Dodo Eggs

From the Desk of Norm dePlume
Professor of Equestrian Cosmetology
Faculty Winner, Office-to-Clubhouse Award for most humorless comics on office door. 

To my peers in the field,

Remarkable news!  Our study of the sadly typical college male has uncovered an incredible new species!  Latin has no proper words to describe these dime sized single celled organisms.  We are forced to name them MASCULUM PATHETICUSor koodies for short.

For years, these spontaneously generated organisms have eluded scientists.  Their transparent organelles and cellular membranes make them nearly impossible to see with the unaided eye.  But we all knew they were there!

Glands in the human body generate the right conditions for koodies which are a by-product of testosterone and estrogen production.  The hormone then dissolves these organisms unless the hormone is created in too small amounts (kids ages 6 to 12) or the sex hormone is not being used to influence behavior and/or appearance (Binko and Zits).

Masculum Patheticus seem to concentrate in undergarments, toothbrushes, book bags, and lunch boxes.  However, there is anecdotal evidence to suggest that koodies can be translated by sharing something as innocuous as a pencil or sitting too close at lunch.

Our research staff discovered them due to the outstandingly high concentrations in Binko and Zits room.  Colonies of Masculum Patheticus were so outstandingly thick they were sticking to the camera lenses and using their flagella to make rude gestures.

We don’t believe that becoming infected with koodies leads to any long-term health effects.  However, social peers seem unconsciously alerted to any infestation and make a decision to avoid the infected person.  This can lead the victim to feelings of self-loathing and social avoidance. 

These are reasonable responses.  After all, they have koodies.

We are working on a permenant cure but thus far the only treatments that have proven effective are good looks, standing on one foot, a nice car, having your fingers crossed, and lots and lots of money. 

    We’ll keep you abreast,
 

  Norm dePlume
 

From the Desk of Dr. Norm DePlume
Medical Doctor, Specializing in Billing
Guest Speaker at the 2002 Amish Internet Extravaganza
Guest Judge at the 2002 Ms. Amish Bikini Pageant

Colleagues,

Our study of college males Binko and Zits experienced a near fatal misstep this week.  One of our female technicians fell through the false ceiling during a necessary readjustment of one of our cameras.   

Binko had developed a strange new behavior and our cameras were ill adjusted to record it.  This unusual routine appears to be a severe seizure but is instead just an odd role-play called “air guitar.”  My grad assistant could not help but note that in his closet there is a real guitar half buried by dirty laundry.

We sent a tape of this behavior to world renowned Dr. John Smith who informed us that, “The subject’s violent head movements were creating brain trauma similar to a rapid series of falls from a unicycle moving at 35 mph.” 

Our second subject, Zits was logging his fourteenth straight hour on his computer.  The game that had captured his attention involved simulated human beings.  These simulations depended on Zit’s input for every direction.  Computer records show Zit’s character had forgotten where the bathroom was and was routinely defecating in the corner of its computer-generated bedroom.

The problem arose when our technician lost her balance just as she was tightening the fastening on the camera’s bracket.  She grabbed the camera and fell through the foam ceiling panels.  She tumbled downward in a tangled mess of wires.  It is fortunate that a haphazard stack of pizza boxes broke her fall.

I was at Control Center at the time.  I radioed in to the technician’s earpiece giving her instructions to activate the emergency action plan “Sorority Rush.” 

“Ah, hi guys.”  She coughed a bit as her lungs readjusted to the noxious atmosphere.  She was equipped with an emergency respirator but chose not to use it.  “You clever guys caught me.  I’m from the sorority K-Y and, well since you hunks are so reclusive we figured we’d voyeur your room.”

Zits said nothing.  Instead he hurriedly instructed his simulated human to clean its bedroom while Zits deleted all the digital waste in the corner.

Binko dropped his air guitar.  His eyes grew wide and hopeful.  “W-would you like to go out?”

The assistant began slowly backing toward the door.  “Yes, well I would but the other girls would pull all my hair out.”

“I’ll still date you!  Girls in caps are hot.  I’ll shave my hair for you!”  Binko was attempting to back the technician into a corner.  “I’m in a band!”

I gave her the signal for the all clear. “If you can catch me, I’ll go out with you.”

She easily outpaced Binko and Zits.  The two males pursued the technician into the street wearing only briefs.  Both were physically unable to perform only fifty feet from the entrance of their dorm building.  This gave us time to install a dummy camera into wall and repair the ceiling and real surveillance equipment. 

For the next few weeks the focus of our research will be on the males attempts to impress unknown female observers.  Binko tattooed “I LOVE K-Y” on his posterior and Zits changed video games to a more macho first person shooter. 

The females on our staff indicated no greater levels of attraction.

 I’ll keep you abreast,

 Norm dePlume 

From the Desk of Norm dePlume, 
Professor of Astro-Biology and Extra Terrestrial Linguistics
Recipient, Participant’s Ribbon from the Nobel Junior Scientists Council, 2004

Sirs or Madams,

We have functionally titled our study of the typical college male, Statistical & Technical Initiative for Non-popular Knuckleheads.  Interestingly enough, we call it project STINK.

The test males, Binko and Zits, have proved exceptionally adept at neglecting the personal growth they should be experiencing during one’s college experience.  Instead of traveling, meeting new people, and experiencing the full spectrum of life’s offerings, they prefer their darkened dorm room and the decomposing world of role-playing games. 

As one staff member said, “They’re mushrooms with body hair.”

In order to truly test the decidedly shallow nature of Zits and Binko’s relationship, we removed Binko for a period of four days.  An attractive female currier was sent to deliver a letter on behalf the Fecal Stain Fan Club.  It promised four nights in a two star hotel and all the pizza he could eat for a few short promotional appearances. 

Without a second of rational thought (his band, Fecal Stain, had yet to release an album), Binko raced to the hotel. 

A highly trained lab chimp named Tum-Tum was then dressed in a long wig and ugly T-shirt.   Tum-Tum was released in the dorm room where it began swinging from the bunk beds.  It then preceded picking and eating mites off of the back of Binko’s pillow.  

Once Zits returned to the dorm Tum-Tum threw the covers over its head.  It’s the learned response most closely associated with horror and disgust.

“Hey dude, I’ve got some extra mini burgers or two.  There right here when you wake up.”

Zits tossed the paper bag onto the bed with Tum-Tum.  Then Zits turned his attention to his computer. 

With the offering of food, Tum-Tum’s revulsion changed to curiosity.  Without taking off the wrappers, the primate ate the mini burgers then waddled over to kiss Zits’ hand.  Kissing the hand was a learned response for gratitude.

“Dude, stop it!  I’m on level seventy-two with a sixteenth strata knight casting a black arts level fifteen spell! You know what this means to me!”

Tum-Tum released Zits’ hand after becoming over stimulated by the fantastic images and colors on the computer monitor.  The chimp later flipped through the level seventy-one game guide almost appearing as if it understood. 

Unfortunately, we needed to conclude the test after only two days.  Zits had managed to undo years of training by our animal psychologists.  Currently, Tum-Tum only picks his nose and refuses to eat anything unless it’s covered in a stomach turning hybrid known as “chili-cheese.”

At no point during the test did Zits notice his roommate had been replaced with a chimpanzee. 

Our study showed young males possess an incredible ability to focus on a single goal.  However, their lack of judgment seems to draw them towards pursuits with the least estimable value.

        Further information forthcoming,
 

                        Dr. Norm dePlume

From the Desk of Dr. Norm dePlume,

*Chairman of Dakota University – Medora Branch’s Remedial Studies Department, Ranked #1 School in the Nation for Studying Remedial Studies  
*Winner, 2008 Wheelbarrow Award for Most Non-Designated Grant Money

Dear Sirs,

We are continuing our probe into the behavior of the nondescript college male.  We have isolated two specimens who are providing us with tremendous data. 

They live in a dorm room wired for us to unobtrusively monitor their behavior.  They have taken to the accommodations calling it the “Virgin Trap.”  Although by our count, 0 virgins have been trapped, 1394.3 hours have been spent discussing virgins. 

Our first male, Binko has long hair that he washes (to our best estimates) whenever the moon rises full over the Northeast horizon.  Oddly, this specimen fails to see the strong correlation between surplus hair and the need for increased upkeep.  The female members of our staff would volunteer to show Binko proper care but they fear he would ask them for a date.

The second male is called Zits.  Due to his skin care problems and lack of measurable personality, no other name was even considered.  In fact, a small skirmish over who originated the name has erupted amongst our staff.

In order to raise these males’ attractiveness quotient, each subject has had an expensive, starched, button down shirt placed into his closet.  These rouge elements hung beside the ugly, threadbare garments Binko and Zits normally wear. 

Binko was the first to discover our new stimulus.  He had just stepped in from the shower. 

“Hey man, there’s some strange shirt in my closet.  It looks expensive.  Is it yours?”  

Without turning from his computer, Zits replied, “No.”

“Huh.”  Binko studied the shirt for a bit then replaced it.  “Well I can’t wear it around my crew.  I don’t do prep.” 

His next act was to reach for a worn black T-shirt with the large likeness of a popular science fiction actor on the front. 

Images of this shirt have been shown to over two hundred randomly selected women between the ages of 18-25.  Approximately 110% of them responded in a highly negative manner.  It’s a statistical anomaly we are still unable to explain.

When Zits finally came across his shirt, he mumbled, “Well, who will iron it after I wear it?  Forget it.”

Although we failed to influence Binko and Zits behavior, we did learn that young males could be immune to the strongest of suggestions and/or resistant to the easiest opportunities.  This earns Binko a brain density rating of 237 lbs per square inch with Zits coming in somewhere near 302 lbs.  It has been an eye-opening week.

  We shall keep you abreast,

 
            Professor Norm dePlume

From the Desk of Dr. Norm dePlume
  Professor of Disco Bio-Kinetics
  Winner, Dakota University-Medora Branch’s Employee of the Month (June ’02)

Dear Colleagues,

We are updating the data on the young male subjects currently being housed in their natural environment, the dormitory.  

The short, long haired specimen has been named Binko.  He is a moody artist who takes his juvenile orchestration very seriously.  In fact, anyone who fails to appreciate his free form guitar playing is roundly seen as ignorant and unsophisticated.  His band is named “Fecal Stain” which in an apparent attempt to prune its potential fan base to the bare minimum.

Zits is tall and severely set with infected pores and ingrown hairs.  Many on our research staff wish Zits would grow his hair to Binko’s length to cover the affected areas.  He is gainfully employed at a fast food business where he obtains most of his nourishment. 

Our staff has cataloged all discarded fast food bags, which are allowed to collect on the floor like fallen leaves.  When pressed for food, Zits has reopened discarded bags scavenging for any neglected French fries.  These fries enter a chemically induced mummified state preserving the calories for consumption weeks after initial frying. 

We have offered these week old French fries to starving lab rats.  They were placed at the end of the maze instead of cheese.  In an amazing display of dexterity, the rats threw the fries over the walls and ate their tales instead.

Our first real test involved Binko and Zits’ apparent loss of their olfactory sense.  Our staff sealed the window with an insoluble epoxy then rerouted the ventilation as to endlessly recirculate the same air.

Due to the subject’s amazingly limited physical activity, their need for available oxygen seemed to diminish as well.  After less than a half hour, however, two members of our staff did experience dizziness and nausea.  We treated them with supplemental oxygen and “fresh linen” scent.  We expect them to make a full recovery. 

  I will keep you posted regarding further tests,

    Dr. Norm dePlume
   

From the desk of Dr. Norm dePlume,
Professor of Rectal Sclerosis at Dakota University -Medora Branch
2008 Winner of DUMB’s Most Expensive Textbook Competition
     

To My Esteemed Colleagues,

For many years, our understanding of the hormone driven behavior of the young male has lumped haphazardly into the catch phrase, “Boys will be boys.”  Science and we as scientists must consider this grossly insufficient to our intellectual demands.  We as men of learning must peel back the layers of that hide the young male’s inner psyche. 

We must ask ourselves what makes young males respond, “Man, yea!  I’ll take another!” to nine out of ten randomly generated questions.

As scientists we must understand why, with such a willingness to mate, these young males dress and groom so poorly when males of other species puts on his best.

With a generous appropriation from the Centers for Disease Control, we have wired a typical dorm room with cameras, listening devices, and small hoists.  Little effort was needed to conceal our surveillance equipment as we have labeled everything with, “Cable for 1500 Channels.”  The room was actually given cable access.  We have little fear they will count.

Our specimens are two males we have affectionately named Binko and Zits.  They were lulled into permanent occupancy of the room by the lowering of baked goods whenever they lost consciousness.  These baked goods are made from sugar, white flour, and the most advanced space age materials, which give them a shelf life that tops canned goods. 

I will keep you posted regarding our studies.

                              Regards, 
       

                              Professor Norm dePlume