Dodo Eggs

Dear Diary,

How are you?  It’s me Eugene.  My latest submission to DodoEggs.com,  “Itchy Lips- The Hidden Plague” just bombed.  ChiefDodo said advertising revenue dipped almost 60% in just one day.  That’s almost 6.4 million game tokens at Chuck UP Cheese!  ChiefDodo is normally really upset about these sorts of “oopsies” but he had recently sold off all his stock options and bought heavily in ChickenPoop.com.  What a smart guy!

My supervisor, Richard “Don’t Call Me Dick” Short, knew I was down about my results and dropped by office.  He had his Self-Esteem Box with him.  I love the Self-Esteem Box!     

Oh, you don’t know what that is do you Diary?  Ok, it’s an old shoebox with a whole bunch of executive titles in it.  If you’ve done something really remarkable, you can draw from the box and whatever is on the card is added to your title!  Isn’t that great!  You even get new business cards!    

Just to make it interesting, Richard has tossed in some names with negative connotations.  He like to say it makes the box more interesting.  He told me that there were fifty positive title enhancers for every negative one.  Well, wouldn’t you know it!  I’ve pulled four times and have somehow gotten the same thing three times!  Dick says if I pull from the Self-Esteem Box I’ve got to keep what I pull. 

As of today, my new title at DodoEggs.com is Hazard Executive of Hazardous Hazards.  It doesn’t really roll off the tongue like I think it should.  Nuts!

In more interesting news, my office in DodoEggs.com’s office high-rise allows a nice view of Central Park.  I’ve set up a telescope and I watch for crimes during my lunch break and for about ten minutes after work.  I’ve got my phone with thumb set to speed dial 911.  I’ve even given myself a superhero name.  Do you like Sight Man With The Earth Rending Power Of Vision?  Me too. 

Unfortunately the police don’t.  I’ve accidentally hit the button a couple of times and when I tell them it’s just Sight Man With The Earth Rending Power Of Vision they don’t seem to get it.  Maybe I should put it on my business card.

Also, I still like Verna.  I know she’ll like me once her face heals.

P.P.S  I hate my boss ChiefDodo.  He is stupid.  He keeps taking all my jellybeans!  I’ve started tossing in a mothball or two into the bowl but he doesn’t seem to notice. 

Yours truly,
 Eugene

This is DodoEggs.com
Recently discovered to be the geographical center of the Internet!

Dear Employees,

Our cooperate headquarters was recently notified that the New York Department of Health has issued our Manhattan office building almost one hundred citations!  The multiple violations stem from an inspection done on the same day as one of our weekly potlucks.  Darn the luck!

To avoid being immediately shut down, I promised to teach the inspectors how change lead into gold.  (Attn Eugene:  Get to work on this immediately.)  Nevertheless, I am forced to address several serious issues.

We know someone in Advertising is buying up the uneaten portions from the previous week, throwing them into a bowl, and calling it “Second Youth Medley Deluxe.”  Well, that is going over almost as well as your new ad slogan, “DodoEggs.com - Read Secrets of the Ancient Dodo before it killed itself.”  For the sixtieth time, being extinct does not mean the bird killed itself!

Also, I am informing Human Resources that they are no longer allowed to crush ED drugs into their shepherd’s pie and call it “Aroused Shepard’s Pie.”  Please keep in mind, the showing of the sexual harassment video is immediately after the next potluck and we cannot have our male employees wolf whistling at the actresses again!

Payroll is no longer in charge of deserts.  I have received too many complaints from workers whose candy bowls were relocated to the potluck table without their consent.  Additionally, fingernails were found at bottom of Eugene’s jellybean bowl last week and the starlight mints didn’t dissolve in anyone’s mouths!  That was sixteen health violations right there!

On a positive note, Eddy “the Plunger” Bartovich has finally submitted his sworn affidavit stating that he indeed does wash his hands before preparing his Mexican bean dip.  Ole!

Once again, I will be not be able to attend due to a lunch meeting with a high profile client.  If you need to reach me, call the hot dog vendor on the corner of 43rd and Wall Street.  Ask for Buba.

Regards,
ChiefDodo

DodoEggs.com
Where planning to do business is our business plan.
Where a hundred people with sense are worth a dollar
Where only the coffee runs in the black

Dear DodoEggs.com staff,

 During contract negotiations, some of our white collared workers have petitioned for an expense account along with a raise in their pay package.  Representatives bombarded me with charts and graphs showing a tremendous discrepancy between our executive’s egos and their compensation. 

I learned a great deal about the suffering executives endure.  Imagine the stress involved in continually having to wear dry cleaned clothes and being required to get half of all major business decisions right.  Then the executive tattled and mentioned that the Maintenance Department didn’t adhear to my latest round of budget cuts.

( Attention Maintenance Department:  When I institute a budget cut that means everyone and everything!  Twenty percent across the board pertains to toilet paper as well.  I cannot make exceptions.  Institute the “roll back” immediately.)

Anyway, back to executives wanting expense accounts. 

I couldn’t agree more.  No one needs them more than those who take potential advertisers and clients through the drive-through.  To that end, we are issuing gold Undiscovered Cards through a Mexican bank.  Use them anywhere pesos are accepted.  (They won the bidding process by a wide margin!  In fact, we can even report the kickbacks and they still win!  Bueno!)

 These cards are issued by Payroll anywhere Payroll can be found.  However, they have moved.  I’m not sure where and they won’t tell me.  (Attn Eugene:  Set a box of those stale dainshes in the hallway and see if someone from payroll pops up.)

 This situation is untenable so I am offering twelve expense accounts to the first person that brings me the head of one of those knuckleheads.  I’m serious.  That’s enough pesos to buy half of Baja California.

 Negotiated into regular employees contracts will be large poster boards set up in each department.  Supervisors will have gold and silver foil stars to place next to every employee’s name that does a good job.  Get twelve gold stars and you can pick from the prize vault.  I’ll bet ChickenPoop.com doesn’t have a prize vault for their employees!

 Also, I will no longer give audience to complaints about the homeless men we hire for temp work.  I am aware that our sudden lack of office supplies has coincided with the construction paper shantytowns being built under the over pass.  I defy anyone to prove that those paper clips and staples came from us.

From your bbf (best boss forever)

ChiefDodo 

Due to a lack of quality applicants for employment at DodoEggs.com we are simplifying the application process.  Our new form utilizes built in assistance for prospective employees who have the ability to read.  Look for the ( ).

DodoEggs.com
Scrambled Thoughts from Fried Thinkers
Application for Employment (Desperation Version)

Name (Optional, We have nicknames available.) ______________________

Address(Optional, Our new Cubical-topia office furniture allows you to sleep under your desk.  Filing wardrobes are also available.)

Street ___________________________________  City ____________________ 

State ________  Zip (5 numbers only please)_______________ 

Date of Birth  5 – 14 – 2001  (Note: All employee birthdays are celebrated on the same day to decrease unproductive time on semi-festive office parties)

Social Security Number(Under 60?  You know you’re not getting this money back, right?  Need a number?  Try using your weight, IQ, then the balance on your credit card.  Done!)  __ __ __ – __ __ – __ __ __ __

Reasons for Seeking Employment(We accept honest answers!  Improved solitaire times are ok!  Stealing office supplies is commendable.  Our trend setting casual Wednesdays, hobo Thursdays, and unwashed Fridays may be attractive to you.)

_______________________________________________________

Department of Interest  (Product Development and Quality Control could really use some help.  Write one of those.  Use the previous sentences for spelling assistance.)
______________________________________________________

Education  ___N A _____  (None of us are working in the field we got our degree in so what’s the point?)

Previous Employment  (Use the following word bank to construct three previous professions.  Just put two or three together!)

Caregiver            Professional            Wrestler            Hazardous

Supervisor               Gofer                   Marine                Biologist

Stunt                         Adult             Entertainment         Computer

Mechanical               Money              Homeless             Panhandler

   1) _________________________________     Dates__________ to _________

2) ___________________________________     Dates__________ to _________

3) ___________________________________     Dates__________ to _________

References  (Honestly, we’ve forgotten why we do this.  Just put some of the names you wish your parents had given you.  Do you have any imaginary friends we could contact?  Any pets that can vouch for you?)
Name ________________  Phone _____ – _____ – ______ Relation ____________

Name ________________  Phone _____ – _____ – ______ Relation ____________

Name ________________  Phone _____ – _____ – ______ Relation ____________

Expected Salary  (We will submit this to Payroll when they return from their three year long conference along the Yucatan coast.  Until then, just submit all you personal expenses in the form of purchase orders.)
______________________

Signature (The more indecipherable the better.) _________________________

Strength and Happiness through Benefits!
Water fountains, first-aid kits, the jellybeans on Eugene’s desk, carpeted work zones, free smiles, and loads and loads of sarcasm!
This is DodoEggs.com!  Where the employee is not extinct!

Dear DodoEggs.com staff,

Its come to my attention that many of you smoke.  Look, I was one of the cool kids in school.  I know my share of things about the dark mistress.  Which end goes in the mouth and which should be lit is no mystery to me.  I even know where to buy them.

To that end, I am banning cigarettes in our Manhattan high rise. 

I know I’ve tried this policy before but this time I’ve been trained.  Telling me it’s a candy cigarette will not work anymore!  The glowing end is not a bit of dye! 

Last week I attempted accommodate our smokers by restructuring the company’s antiquated departmentalized structure and replacing it with the smoking and non-smoking divisions.  However, having our legal personnel scattered throughout the building with accounting, vice monitoring, marketing, human resources, and all the rest was not a sound business plan.  Now I really can’t find anyone in payroll!

In response, I am calling for a do over.  I had my fingers crossed when I typed up the last policy (thanks to Ursula for clearing up the typos) so I didn’t mean it.  I want everyone to return to his or her departments before you go to lunch.

Here’s my new plan… Cigarettes are not allowed.  Anyone caught smoking cigarettes will be taken out during their lunch break and not allowed to come back inside until they’ve smoked at least three more.  It will help cure your cravings and get it out of your system.  It’s harsh but you’ll never bounce up until you’ve hit the bottom.

As I was saying, compromise is the key to resolving any conflict. 

Cigars smell much better and look really cool.  I am hereby allowing cigar smoking anywhere my employees want.  If cigar smoke bothers you, we will have clean air stations located right outside every doorway.  Feel free to take in the boring air during your breaks.

Of course you could also fight smoke with more smoke!  Try burning incense!  That’s right.  Everyone can now burn incense at their desks but no fruity scented candles!  I will take the fire extinguisher to them!

In an unrelated development, our company’s fire insurance is burning a hole in our budget.  Because of this, your health insurance only covers broken bones on Fridays and will not cover anything for which you have a spare.  In other words, maladies involving your kidneys, lungs, and limbs are hereby not covered.

Love your boss, 
ChiefDodo 

Before I begin I’d like to take full responsibility for the latest crate of corporate letterhead.  You can quit emailing me!  I know I mixed up the second D in DodoEggs.com and now the top of each sheet boldly proclaims….DoboEggs.com – The Bohemian Blog.  No one said anything about the new motto but EVERYONE commented on the simple typo.  Look, I’ve blamed the whole thing on Eugene and demoted him back to private.  My secretary is currently taking white out to all 256,000 sheets of letterhead so until she’s done…avoid writing any memos.

Ok, where was I?  Oh yea, the new corporate gymnasium in the basement. 

Many of you on the first three floors have been experiencing foul odors throughout the day.  I’ve also heard concerns about loud moaning, cursing, and heavy metal music.  Rest assured…this is not another New Age management technique.  I also want to dispel the rumor that it’s some sort of unproductive employee torture chamber.  If that was the case, I’d need a whole lot more office space than just the basement! 

No, no…the torture chamber is the employee lounge on the twelfth floor.  I’ve got the TVs permanently set to music videos from the early eighties, granola bar stocked vending machines, and informative laminated posters listing employee benefits. 

I visited about seventeen garage sales this weekend.  I got a great deal on a bow-flex, 2 solo-flexes, a used smoothie machine (that I didn’t bother cleaning), six butt-busters (injuries incurred on the butt-buster are NOT covered by the health plan), a treadmill that works if you jiggle the power cord just right, and an ENTIRE set of sand filled plastic weights!  The weights come in four fantastic colors to motivate you.

Note:  Eugene update the benefits posters in the employee lounge.

If you are lifting properly, screaming and yelling is not allowed.  As is standard gym etiquette, you may yell out and drop the 80 pound dumbbells only if you are using too much weight or are lifting improperly. 

When discussing how much weight you can move, feel free to add the “Theoretical Good Day Bonus.”  This isn’t really lying.  It’s where you boast about how strong you are by telling people a weight you might be able to move.  As a rule of thumb, it’s twenty pounds on the bench and forty pounds for any leg exercise.  Also deduct fifty pounds off anyone who uses a machine.  This means that if Eugene tells you he can bench 250 pounds this is what it means…

250 – 20 (Bragging) – 50 (Bo-flex Machine) – 50 (Screaming/Improper Form) – 30 (Dork Penalty) = 100 MAX

While I’m thinking about it, here are a few other items you should know before using the gym.  I’ve stretched aluminum foil over all the walls (shiny side out) instead of mirrors.  You probably won’t even notice.  My brother, the CEO of ChickenPoop.com, gave me his old stereo from college.  The volume is broke and so is the tuner.  Fortunately it’s stuck on the heavy metal station and the volume is blasting.  And lastly, there are no showers.  Strenuous use of showers has not been proven to increase muscle mass so you don’t need them. 

Enjoy the Gym…
ChiefDodo (Your CEO)

Pro-Activity, Cooperative Retroflexing, Synchronous Omni-Market Approach, Executive Plastic Surgery…This is the Verbiage that makes DodoEggs.com the world leader in typos and misspellings.
Less Comprehension for a Brighter Tomorrow!

Dear Employees,

We don’t have any women on staff here at DodoEggs.com.  Thusly, I have modified all female bathrooms in our Manhattan office building to equestrian centers for miniature ponies.  The pony near my office is just for me so if I catch anyone riding Glue Stick I’ll take all the glitter out of the grooming kits on your floor.  I’m talking to you Eugene!

Back to the point…Our legal department has informed me that we need a sexual harassment policy to protect any strange women who deliver food or walk into our offices by accident. 

I don’t want there to be any confusion.  Women want to be noticed and have their hair, clothes, and eyes complimented BUT NOT if you fall into any of the following categories: ugly, creepy, short, fat, clumsy, wart-ridden, or uncontrollable facial hair.  I’m still talking to you Eugene!

The following list contains derogatory names that I think are so funny you can use them.  None of you were planning on running for public office anyway.

“Sugarbritches” – Cock one eyebrow up a bit as you say this for maximum effect.  If you’ve got an oiled, pencil-thin mustache, that would help.

“Lovebutt” – Shortened from the Latin phrase, “I love your butt.”  The meaning is largely maintained in its current from.  Always remember, girls love to know you like their butt.

“Trancechest” — Women love to be called by this name. It assures them that there are other parts of the body we can focus on during a conversation besides her eyes.

“Ginger Crotch”– First used by Randy Vanentino during his career in silent films. This surefire line will almost make her heart burst with affection.  In some countries the phrase is “Ginger Genitals.” Be sure to ask your travel agent.

Please remember, if the female becomes hostile tell her you work for ChickenPoop.com.

Innovation, development, accuracy, hallucinations…these are the words that drive the mission at DodoEggs.com. It is our relentless pursuit of more pretentious letterhead that make us the industry’s memorandum standard bearers! Better letterhead for a brighter tomorrow!

Dear Employees,

It has come to my attention that our main rival ChickenPoop.com is in development of a super advanced predictions list for 2009. Who saw this coming!?

I have contacted our research department about creating such a list for 2010 and have been given notification that they only work with past information.

Folks, the past is the past. Let’s put is this way…do you want day old doughnuts or tomorrow’s cookie dough? Nine out ten people can’t remember what they wore yesterday. I rest my case.

In a rush of executive power, I have sold the entire research department to the Japanese. If you work in offices 207 to 215, Casual Day has been changed to Komono Friday. Sayonara.

The maintenance department has approached me regarding our needs and has come through with a list we can use. However, he have had problems beta testing as the toilet paper the lists are printed on have not proven to be very durable.

DodoEggs.com’s potent predictions for 2010…

5. Thanks to the possibility of Global Warming, North Dakota retailers sell their first bikini! The governor proposes three days of bikini training titled, “Two pieces = One bathing suit!”

North Dakota’s beach development team will look into leasing beach property from coast-wealthy states but transporting the coast back to Dakota will remain an issue.

4. Nostradummy’s (second cousin of famous prophet) work is discovered in a desert cave in the Middle East. Visionary predicts color television, horseless buggies, and flavored tortilla chips.

Archaeologists find unused corner of the Smithsonian’s maintenance closet to display scrolls.

3. The credit industry will create another advance that provides the debt laden American consumer with additional purchasing power. Generational financing! Now you can leave the worn out, coffee stained couch to your children along with the bill stuffed between the cushions.

2. A great earthquake will temporarily change the direction the water in our toilets rotates. Plumbers across the world are called in to make necessary adjustments on all existing toilets.  In a startling revelation, it will be discovered that water’s opposite rotation helps prevent clogs.

Leaders of plumbers unions are called before Congress to explain the huge cover up and kick-backs received from the plunger industry.

1. Scientists in Chile discover a way to combine the two most potent power sources on earth. This hybrid fuel, a volatile mixture of caffeine and sarcasm, is able to power every vehicle on earth for more than three weeks on one tank!