“So does anyone know how much venture capital is left?”  – Hairy Tennpenny, Chief Financial Officer after locking representatives from the Securities and Exchange Commission in his office…again.

>>> My friend, Greg Dillwine, and I decided to start this blog after exchanging emails with subject lines like, “Matt Breaks His Wind” and “Name Change!  Greg’s new last name is Dillweed!” Obviously, the last thing we needed to do was start a blog.

DodoEggs.com was the name we wanted to use and to our shock – it was already taken.  We bought the domain from a cyber-squatter.  The negotiations were strenuous.  Mr. Squatter kept insisting that he was on the cusp of developing content for the site, which would then translate to unlimited cash flow.  We were, “Asking him to sell the opportunity for a lifetime!” Additional negotiations took place…he wanted to raise his asking price and so we raised our naughty finger.  Eventually, a price of 150 dollars was agreed upon.  I donated $50 and Greg generously threw away $100.

“A good product can mean good business.  Of course, I’ve seen a lot of bad products do pretty well too.  Which one is OUR strength?”   -Gus Wright, Head of Vice Monitoring for the Salt Lick City branch office.

>>> I though I had it made.  I mean, have you SEEN what goes around as a popular humor blog?!  It’s one abrasive, profane, poorly written, absolutely pointless narrative after another.  Many didn’t even make sense!  I figured a fairly clean, clever collection of posts had to be a success.  Additionally, each post wasn’t tied to any particular event or time – each post is just as pertinent now as it was when I wrote them.  I thought this was an obvious advantage over political blogs and others whose archives lose value with every passing day.  I mean, who wants to read why Hillery will win the election?

I was wrong.  DodoEggs.com would have been more popular if I had made it the diary of a sixty year old stripper with terets syndrome.  The formula was right there and I waltzed right over it!  What was I thinking!?

“Son, it don’t do any good to slam the pedal down if there ain’t any gas.”  – Frank Wordwright, Lead Culture Contributor DodoEggs.com’s Southeastern Command.

>>> When I began writing DodoEggs.com, my enthusiasm couldn’t be matched.  I posted EVERY SINGLE WEEKDAY from April to November of that first year.  Looking back, that kind of output stuns me.  It was November 11th when I missed my first post and it tore my soul in two.  “What will my readers do without their daily dodo egg?!” My angst wasn’t funny then but it’s funny to me now.

Greg installed several tracking programs that were supposed to tell me how many people were reading the site.  “It’s not an exact science.” Mr. Dillwine would mutter.  He’s not kidding. I couldn’t tell whether I had 180 readers or 18.  As time went on, it became a little closer to .18.

The final straw came a couple of weeks ago with a post I was really excited about (pictures!)  I asked my coworkers to skip over an take a look at it for me.  DodoEggs.com isn’t something I pester them with – I believe I’d mentioned it once before during the calender year.  None of them went.  In fact, one told me, “I haven’t even been to my room yet!  Why would I waste time on some stupid blog!” Hey lady, don’t waste perfectly good tact on me!

“Jellybeans are such a crock!  I mean, have you ever tried spreading them over bread?!  I’m telling you dude, it doesn’t work very well.”  – Eugene Wasikowaska

>>>Whenever I needed a kick around character I used a guy by the name of Eugene.  Eugene is a name that I find impossible to take seriously.  Naming a child Eugene relegates him to custodial work, being a stand up comic, or college professor.  Eugene is a name zoo workers give to the latest addition to the orangutan environment.  Eugene was one of the only employees at DodoEggs.com that I ever mentioned by name.  Apparently he’s wart-ridden, short, groveling, and a near perfect troll…oh, and he has a bowl of community jellybeans on his desk.

What I find interesting about that is most of DodoEggs.com’s traffic comes from a picture of jellybeans that Greg posted to one of my early posts.  If you search jellybeans on Google, there’s a good chance you’ll find DodoEggs.com.  A lot of innocent folks do.  To capitalize on this, we’ve set of an Amazon advertisement link to sell jellybeans.  We’re hoping for greater returns than the DodoEggs.com thongs we tried selling during the site’s first year.

“Merit is a wall built from sacrifice and held tight by self-control.”  -Paul Bearer

>>>  One of my deep thoughts that never seemed DodoEggs.com appropriate.

DodoEggs.com isn’t dying but it is going into a hibernation-like state.  Simply put, I have other (more promising) things to do.  DodoEggs.com will now be updated on the 1st and the 15th of every month.  Please come back!  If anyone out there is a regular reader, I apologize and hope you’ll leave a comment.  I’d love to know you exist.

Little know fact:  If you type in ClownPolice.com, you arrive at DodoEggs.com.  Try it.

• Eugene’s Diary
• The Welcome Guest
• Meet Greg Dillwine
• Staff Memo – Expense Accounts
• The Doctor is…

Speaking on behalf of his client, the lawyer for Mr. Bunny said, “The pictures speak for themselves.  After many, many years of constructing a wholesome brand, the Teply’s so-called Easter cake portrays my client in too disparaging a light.  The first cake is hardly distinguishable!  It’s just a mangled mound of yellow cake and misplaced icing!  As for the other cake, did you see the way Mr. Teply put on the small purple jelly beans?  They make my client look retarded!

“If Mr. Bunny loses his position as the ambassador of Easter, we can only assume his Australian rival, Mr. Easter Kangaroo, will try to take Mr. Bunny’s position.  We are tired of hearing how Mr. Kangaroo can carry Easter eggs in his pouch.  If this happens, it will most assuredly be partially attributed to Mr. Teply’s actions this season.”

Exhibit A: Notice the child’s delirium

Addressing the media yesterday, Mr. Teply strongly denies he tried to make the Easter Bunny look retarded.  “Look, my grandmother used to make these bunny cakes for us when we were young.  I thought it would be easy to do!  Take a circular cake, cut it in half, and stick the halves together.  Then you cover the thing in icing and sprinkle with coconut to give it a furry feel.  Accessorize with two ears cut out of cardboard before adding jelly beans and marshmallows.  It sounded easy!”

Mr. Teply fought tears before continuing,  “I, I guess I wanted…a tradition for my own son.  I didn’t want to make the Easter Bunny look retarded…I swear!” Despite repeated public apologizes, it appears Mr. Teply is unable to wipe the Cadbury Egg off his face.  The law suit seeks damages in the hundreds of thousand of jellybeans

Children’s advocacy groups have also waded into the fight.  Mark Cocobutter of SHAC (Safe Holidays Activist’s Commission) saw the photo evidence and released a twelve page statement in which he stated, “Look at the ridiculous delirium on the child’s face.  This child obviously has no idea what an Easter Bunny is supposed to look like and these “cakes” certainly won’t help.  We are saddened that people like Mr. Teply are given the ability to have children.”

Despite the hyperbole and excessive verbiage, it is unlikely the case will be brought to trial anytime soon.  Comparatively, the lawsuit Mr. Kris Kringle brought against the people who spawned Kwanzaa is still caught in the gears of litigation.  Additionally, it should be noted that Mr. Kringle’s case against Kwanzaa is much stronger than the comparatively minor action Mr. Teply took.

The Unhappy Easter Bunny or Unhappy Easter Muskrat?

• Need Bathroom Reading?
• Good Egg or Bad Egg?
• Fun Impaired
• Feminine Fortunes
• Coco Intolerance

That’s right, I’ve walked into a woman’s restaurant.  I glance over the menu and engage the two men I’m with in conversation.

Me:  “Well, whoever suggested this place gets to pick up the tab.  I’m not joking.”

Doug:  “It was this or McDonald’s.  So back off before I have the bouncer here cream your can.”

Me:  (Under my breath.)  “Cream my can?”

Waitress:  Walks up.  “Our special today is a rose hip housework salad with fresh ground potpourri and topped with a rich estrogen dressing.”

Me:  (After Marty and Doug order)  “Uh, I guess I’ll have the Deli Rose (NOT a joke.).”

The waitress leaves and all three of us squeeze the lemon into our waters and stir with our straws. 

Marty:  “So Matt, you teach huh?  What’s that like?”

Me:  “A loaded question.  How about I tell you only the stuff you’d be interested in.  For example, Friday after the kids were released from the bus room the first kid down the hall hands me a condom.  He says, ‘Here you go Mr. Teply.  Thought you might need it.”  (NOT a joke.)

Doug:  “You’re kidding me!”

Me:  “Nope that’s not a joke.  Didn’t I just say that?  Anyway, that’s not all.  During class, we were going over area and volume.  I showed them the formula for volume of a cylinder then off-handedly asked what city department would have a use for that information.  The first kid who raises his hand says, ‘The shape department.”

Doug:  “That’s a good one.”

Me:  “Still not kidding.  Ok, one more – this one happened last week – we were doing unit conversations and I mentioned that your skin completely replaces itself every 45 days.  The idea was for them to find out how many skins they go through in a year.  A kid raises his hand and asked if there was any chance he would be a different color in a month and a half.”  (NOT a joke.)

Doug and Martin chortle  into thier salads.

• The Last Dance — Step Two
• The Wonders of Children
• Armed with Dodo Eggs
• Band Aid
• Male Studies (Letter 4)

EVENTS, DISINTEREST, AND VIDEO TAPE

What percentage of home video recordings are ever watched again? You know what I’m talking about. Aunte Pearl videoing the entire dance recital even though her niece has fallen over twice. There’s the Christmas program that Sandie may or may not be in…we know she’s one of the shepherd’s sheep. And who can forget Billy-Bob’s third birthday! It needed to be recorded since BB is only three once. (Let me remind you – you only get the chicken pox once but that doesn’t need to be recorded forever now does it. Yes, it’s the same thing!)

Here are the facts as researched by DodoEggs.com’s Fact-Checker-Upper Department.

Fact #1 – 82% of respondents have never rewatched their wedding video after the honeymoon.

Fact #2 – If given the option, 98% of respondents would rather watch an old episode of Magnum P.I. than watch grainy footage of their nephew’s bar mitzvah.

Fact #3 – 100% of men will one day throw out or record over Frankie’s kindergarten graduation. 99% of wives will be angry about this for no good reason.

KFC KOMPLAINT

After garage saleing with my wife (for the LAST time), we stopped into a KFC for a quick lunch. Chicken isn’t really my favorite so it’s a rare thing for me to eat there. Melissa ordered some fried chicken and I ordered a chicken sandwich.

“Surely,” thought I. “A restaurant that specializes in fried chicken can piece together a decent chicken sandwich.”  I put two and two together and came up with four. The reward for my assumption? A limp, white bun, a spot of mayo, pickle, and a chicken piece seasoned with leather. It was a sandwich perfect for a starving refuge with all the flair of a funeral.

If a chicken place can’t make a decent chicken sandwich then what are McDonald’s chances with a burrito?

 SHE MEANS CHEST MUSCLES

My sister approached me over Christmas break and asked if I wanted to invest on the ground floor of an exciting new chain of restaurants called “Peckers.” It would feature the bill of a woodpecker as the P in the name and feature men in tank tops and skin colored tights.

As she explains, “It’ll be great. We can even have themed days. Tall and thin guys will serve on Mondays when we discount the fat free menu. Tuesdays can be short but cute guys and the kitchen special will be on shrimp. Hamburgers half off on Beefcake Wednesdays!”

 I should note that she’s still looking for inverters…if you’re interested.

• The Complaint Department
• Cooking With Love
• Chinese Characters
• Is He the One?
• Male Studies – Letter 12, Page 1

“Do you bet Mr. Samuels?”

He makes a forced frown and rocks up on his toes.  “Ah, I play poker a bit but I only use money I can afford to lose…you know, discretionary money.”

Most people respond this way.  I usually reply one of two prepared ways…

A) “Of course, you’re insane if you view gambling money any other way.”

B) “Is there really such a thing as discretionary money when most people owe on a house or know people in need?’

I’m not really interested in broadening the conversation so I chose Option B.

Mr. Samuels nods and continues.  “You know, I have a friend who learned to play craps.  Well, he manages to win, like, 8,000 dollars the first night he plays.  He thinks he’s some sort of idiot savant and runs out and quits his job so he can play craps full-time.”

“So, he’s more idiot than savant.”

More nodding.  “Right.  Soon he’s thirty thousand dollars in debt with no job.  Then it occurs to him that he’s made a mistake.”

My eyes widened.  “Thirty thousand, huh?  You mean at the twenty thousand mark he was still thinking, ‘This will work out fine.  I just need to stick with it?’  He turned a good thing like winning money into a bad situation.  Strange.”

A bulge under one of the bus kid’s jackets indicated they were trying to smuggle in a weapon of mass destruction into the school again.  Mr. Samuels left my side to go and confiscate it.  It turned out to be just a tank of mustard gas…rookies…7th graders still have a hard time getting nuclear materials.

Addendum:  I was driving by a casino last year and was amazed by the thick number of billboards that crowd the roadside.  Anyway, most of them bragged about “95% payback on slots!” – as if this was a good thing!

In other words, we’ll change all the dollars you’ve got into ninety-five cents!  What a service!  Try the buffet!

• Band Aid
• Too Big
• Latent Heat
• Frank Zastaphol Interview
• Male Studies Letter 14

 A young man shoves his small pile of school supplies from the tabletop into the mouth of his open backpack.  He’s excited because this is going to be the year he makes his mother proud.  This is going to be the year he makes the honor roll and takes his place among the smart kids.  He wants to meet his new teachers.  There’s also a chance he could be seated next to Leah Schumaker!

 His mother is in the car and she’s already started the engine.  She’s late for work again and if he doesn’t hurry, she’ll chew him out.  Then she’ll drop him off a block from school which means a mad dash through school morning traffic – good thing his backpack has reflective strips!

 “Now remember,” she’ll tell him.  “Mommy needs her money for her medications so you’d better write on everything you have whose it is.  I’m not kidding.  If I have to buy you pencils instead of Prozac I’m likely to stab you with them.  And remember – mommy spent time in the slammer so I know how to make a good shank.”

 The young man makes it to his classroom and while the teacher begins her speech (“No gum, no talking, no cheating, no bad hygiene, no notes, no foreign languages, no clothing from the 1970s) the student takes out a pen.  With keen intensity he begins following his mother’s instructions to mark each item he owns. 

 Carefully, he etches “M-I-N-E” into the side of all sixty pencils.

Being Professional

 Three years ago I had a student in my last period math class who in no particular order…

1) Never came to class with a pencil or paper.  Nothing!  What was he doing during the five minutes it takes him to cross the hall from Science to Math?  He wouldn’t even bother to ask to borrow from the kids around him.

2) Speaking of five minutes – sometimes it wasn’t enough!  I’d begin class and the door behind me would open interrupting my class.

3) He honestly lacked any detectable math skills.  He didn’t even know his multiplication tables!

4) This student made no effort to learn.  He wouldn’t listen to the lesson or instructions.  Once the assignment was made, he would not know how or what to do.  Then he would proceed to huff and puff until I arrived to repeat them specifically for him!  (And then he still didn’t know how!)

5) This boy would not shut up.  He disturbed others around him with his constant yapping.  Write-offs and detention did little to inhibit him…instead he would pout because I was picking on him.

One of the other teachers was writing up a discipline referral on him.  She approached me about anything I could contribute.

“Yes,” I began.  “Write on there that Douglas is a complete educational negative.”

Later that day, the principal shows up at my door, “What’s this?  You can’t write this.  Everything has to stay professional.  Just the facts.”

Ok, so I wrote out the five items listed above then I looked at my principal and quietly said, “Are you sure you didn’t want the condensed version?”

• Failing Parents
• Parental Guidance
• DumbKnuckle – Lesson 6
• Eavesdropping
• Dumbknuckle – Lesson 4

Looking at him again, it was impossible not to notice the suede jacket and name brand “distressed” jeans.  The outfit wasn’t threatening me…we apparently were angling to attract a different type of female …but it was expensive.

“Um, there’s no way you can afford these clothes.  How can you afford to go out each week, date, buy new clothes, and all that without a job?  Are you collecting plastic then running them up to their limits?”

He laughed.  “Nope, do you know where that Arab guys play soccer?  It’s a field about a mile down the road.  A whole bunch of them play on Saturdays and Sundays.”

Was he changing the subject?  “So…” 

“Well, those guys wear their gold jewelry all the time…even when they’re playing soccer!  I just go out there with my metal detector every other week and I usually come back with almost a sandwich bag of gold goodies.  Of course, you need to keep this on the down-low because if you ruin my racket , I’ll hire a hit man to take you out.”

************

On long road trips, Melissa likes to fill up the car and acquire a cup of expensive, goofy flavored coffee.  I don’t have any love for that stuff – in fact I like to call the place SuckerBucks.  Melissa does more than her share of the driving so I usually don’t complain.

We’re slicing through the drive-through trying our best to make it to the Interstate in quick fashion.  Melissa gets a low-fat, mocha, latte, chocolate, hokey-pokey, grande coffee.  The lady running the window hands over the coffee and with it we received a small circular magnet that has, “Got Beans?” cleverly spelled out above a coffee bean.  

I take the magnet and begin auditioning places in the car to stick it.  The dashboard?  Nope…plastic.  Center council?  Nix…more plastic.  Roof?  Door?  Floor?!  There was no place in the inside of the car to place that magnet.  I really wasn’t sure what to make of it…was I incredulous or just surprised?

“Hey Melissa, do you realize that there is absolutely nothing of metal on the inside of our SUV?  These things are supposed to be ruff, rugged off road machines and the inside is nothing but plastic!  Are you ok with that?”

She gave me a patient look. “Why don’t you turn on the radio?”

• Tock
• Baby Pander
• Running on Fumes
• Lost Coin
• The Complaint Department

The last Monday in January (shiver) has a list of depressive powers that surprise.  Consider…

     1) Football season is over (or almost over) and your team really stunk.

     2) Your New Year’s resolution (I will read more DodoEggs) is already in the tank.

     3) Inside your mailbox is an envelope with your credit card bill and you made Santa’s “Stupid” list.

     4) The shortest day of the year is here.  “Why does 4pm look like 4am?”

     5) Old Man Winter is sitting squarely on your head.   

     6) I told you it was Monday, right?

     7) TV is airing reruns and, wait, no one’s watching anymore.  Never mind.
That’s a pretty overbearing list!  Don’t worry though; at DodoEggs.com we know better than anyone else that misery loves company.  Here are a few days that will make you WISH for the last Monday in January.

February 15th – Valentine’s Day is over and you didn’t get any.  Chocolate that is.

October 21st – Shoot, it’s the anniversary of your great-grandma Ruthie’s death.  You probably didn’t even remember did you?

May 12th – Let’s stop and run the numbers on the National Noose, I mean, er, Debt.  What was my share again?

March 2nd – Remember this date?  It’s when you were expecting to be fluent in Butswipean but instead the CDs and books are still sitting under your bed.

Month of September – It’s Ugliness Awareness Month and you’re about to receive your handwritten invitation to lead the “UGLY AND PROUD” parade through downtown Ekalaka, Montana.

June 31st - This would have been a great day!  …now we’ll never know.

July 5th – Stop and think about what you spent on fireworks.

Flag Day – How are you supposed to enjoy Flag Day without a good sturdy flag pole?!  Dang!  You’ve blown another year!

Really, any day is a good day for depressive thoughts.  In fact, let’s take a time out, breathe, relax, and remember that you aren’t getting any younger.  Heck, come to think about it, in four hundred years who will even know your name?  The guy who mows your cemetery ploy quit reading the stones a long time ago.

• Developmental Item
• Corporate Perspective for 2010
• Extra Resolve for 2009
• Super Powers – ON SALE!
• Parental Guidance

David, our church’s music minister, had invited Melissa and me out to lunch in order to acquaint ourselves with a visiting family.  The Landons had set up household in the same small town where Melissa and I live.  Truly, I can think of no better method to attract and hold visitors than the one two punch of “food & fellowship” – a free meal and connections with people in similar thread of life.  The conversation was quick and plentiful and it only took me about forty five minutes to remember the names of the Landons’ five children. 

As the meal wound down, someone appeared at the table with a small bowl of soft-serve ice cream.  My interest was drawn away and my world narrowed.  “Where did you get that?!”

The human with the ice cream (I think it was my wife) pointed to the far wall near the soda fountain.  A moment later, I was on my feet excusing myself through the smattering of pedestrians.  Soft serve!  “Perhaps,” I began, “I’ll just stick my head under the machine and just camp out there.”

“Yea, are you sure you want to do that?  That might be a health code violation.”  Mark Landon was directly behind me with three of his small boys in tow.

“Just kidding.”  I replied.  “I’d only do that if I ever managed to get one of these machines at home.”  I snatched a bowl (no bigger than my palm…curses!) and filled it with ice cream.

“Fat and happy…I like it.”  Mark took a single cone and filled it with ice cream.  I expected him to hand it to one of his boys and begin making another.  Instead he turned and the four of them wandered back to the table.

I couldn’t believe my eyes.  “No way.”

Sure enough, All four shared the same cone and NOT ONCE did any of those boys (ages 7, 5, and 4, mind you) ask for more or complain that they weren’t getting enough.  It was a shock almost big enough to distract me from going back for more.

“Mark, are you going back for another?”

“Nope, I want to manage their sugar.”

Each kid got two miserable bites.  Was I in the Twilight Zone?

Melissa leaned over.  “Would you look at that!?  I can’t help but compare this with the scene last night where you finished your French fries then began stealing your three year old son’s – over his protests!” 

“Woman, go away…and when you come back, bring me some more ice cream.”

Bonus Info:  Earlier in the meal I watched Amos (boy #3) take a spoon and scoop up the small pile of ketchup that was left on his plate.  The boys had their plates completely clean with everything eaten…INCLUDING their condiments.

• Male Studies (Letter 2)
• “Grandma Dollar”
• Necessary Downsizing
• Redirected Proposal
• Dustin – Safe Only At A Distance

Satisfied with her success over the water, Melissa moves to the cutting board.  She’s chopping up a bell pepper.  “It’s over to the right.  While you’re down there, pull out a can of olives and mushrooms.  We need to stiffen the sauce a bit.”

Eventually Matt finds the right jar and pops the top.  He sets it on the counter and examines the label.  The sticker is laced in bright green with “NOW OUR CHUNKYEST IS EVEN CHUNKER!” written from one side to the other.

Matt looks at the extra ingredients his wife is asking him to pull out and then looks again at the label.  “The sauce isn’t really that chunky is it?’

“Nope.”

That’s when Matt’s soul tears in two – a sacred trust between consumer and producer has been destroyed.  Those executives at Happy Time Spaghetti Sauce Company (Note: not their real name) know their “chunky” sauce really isn’t chunky!  They abuse the word because it contains microscopic bits of onion and garlic.  Anyone who understands the definition of chunky would never look at those jars of tomato juice and offer the adjective “chunky.”  Do you hear me Happy Time?!  NOBODY!

Speaking of things I no longer trust…

I no longer trust jewels.  I remember waltzing into a mall jewelry store on a whim and seeing a sapphire the size of thigh on sale for a surprisingly low price.  Then I took a closer look at the label…”What do they mean, ‘LAB CREATED?  They can make precious stones in the lab?”

I envisioned men with plastic safety goggles and white lab coats mixing the swirling contents of test tubes into a homemade bread maker (sometimes I pretend it’s a blender), setting the timer, then coming back to a beautiful gem.  What does this do to the value and integrity of the real stones!? 

The salesperson swore that there’s no way you can tell the difference between a natural sapphire and one that has been lab created.  He must have believed that I was interested when, in fact, I was horrified.  You can’t tell the difference!?  That makes sapphires, rubies, and emeralds close to worthless.  Let’s just all wear costume jewelry!

Come to think of it, I don’t trust the phrase, “financially secure” either.

• Childish Reasoning
• The Truth & Media Bias
• The Way of the Dodo
• Accounting for Love
• Cupid Correction