Dodo Eggs

I’m walking through Wal*Mart’s parking lot on a mission of self-preservation or grocery shopping…whatever.  Payday is today and my bank account is momentarily inflated.  There’s a good chance I’ll drop a hundred dollars or more on exciting things like bananas and diapers.  Once, spending money was a thrill and money burnt a hole in my pocket.  Now, spending money is like having my blood drawn.

After keeping my eyes peeled for the dangerous combination of handicapped plates and brake lights, I approach the large set of double glass doors.  “Ok, I’m six steps away…just keep marching at the doors.”  I can’t slow.  There’s no way I’m letting my fellow Wal*Mart shoppers think I’m weak….Never!  “Five steps…not to worry.”  I’m a bull charging a red curtain.  “Ok, three steps and they’re still not opening.”  I break into a sweat.  “Two steps…still closed…steady Matt!”  One step and….the glass doors slide open just enough for my shoulders to drift through.

Catastrophe averted, I move to the carts.  Picking from the available carts is a little like choosing from a parade of leapers.  You’re not getting a good cart – you’re not.  If you’re a betting man, try the lottery.  Each cart has some special trait added to make your shopping experience into the chore it should be.

Here’s an abbreviated chart that lists a few things to be aware of.

Dear DodoEggs.com,

I’ve been really depressed lately and there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. It’s hard for me to get out of bed in the morning, talk with friends, eat, or even check my horoscope. It’s hard to see straight and I think I punched my cat in the face earlier. It’s hard for me to say this but after years of causal eating, I’ve developed a severe intolerance to chocolate! Ice cream, cake, fudge, brownies, shakes, syrup, pudding, donuts and everything else that makes life worth living are now off limits to me. You never know when that last bite might be your last!!

This whole thing is a cruel irony considering I’m the one that brought that camp side favorite, smores, into the next century! Imagine the delectable joy of two gram crackers and a marshmallow fused together with rich, smooth chocolate. NOW imagine we REMOVE the weak links in this little threesome. I developed the world’s first “Chore” which melts a chocolate bar between two stale brownies topped with thickened blocks of chocolate pudding! A few seconds over the fire and the chocolate will bathe each of your eager taste buds! Lobbyists from the gram cracker and marshmallow industry conspired to wipe me out but that’s only because they knew THEY couldn’t compete!

It’s going to be tough having to peel all my peanut butter cups.

I called Hershey’s (Pennsylvania is in the Holy Land) to see if they’d ever had other faithful costumers who’d developed this sort of allergy. After waiting on hold for almost twenty minutes, someone finally got on the line with me and suggested I try white chocolate. She swore it was just as good. She said that I would like it. Well, I tried that albino wanna-be and would rather brush my teeth with Ajax than do it again. Hershey’s name should be changed to Heresy’s for even suggesting white chocolate.

I’ve tried rubbing myself down every night with chocolate scented lotions and candles. My tongue is soft and supple now but my stomach hurts.

I’d love to tell you that there are bright silver linings to living with chocolate intolerance but there isn’t. I wander the streets at night watching young lovers share chocolate milk shakes under the moonlight. Restaurants only torment me with their delectable five dollars a piece deserts – they give it for free to anyone smart enough to lie about their birthday.

Sugar candy is for kids and baked goods (sans chocolate) are for old people. (Sigh.) Thank God I’ve still got Cool Ranch Doritoes.

Allergic to Chocolate? This solid milk chocolate FLAVORED bunny might work. If you’re brave enough.

I didn’t know what it was at first.  Bob and I would meet every Tuesday morning as we drug our trash bins to the street curb for pick-up.  Both of us were dressed for work, me in my shirt and tie, Bob in the filthy jumpsuit the city issued him.  The irony of a garbage man wheeling his bins out to the street just so he could pick them up later wasn’t lost on me.

“Morning Bob!” I begin, “Say, you only pick up the trash one day per week.  What do you do the other six days?  Is being a garbage man secretly the best job in the world or is there something I’m missing?” (suppressed snicker)

It took Bob a moment to reply.  His face was downcast and his tone muted.  “Do you have to ask the same thing every week?”

“What’s wrong Bob?”

He finally looked me in the eyes.  “Wanda has been pestering me about where I’ve been throwing my dirty work clothes.  She doesn’t seem to like it when I drape them over her mother but DANG that woman’s been visiting for almost three days now!” He unzipped the front of his jumpsuit and I leaped backward.  The skin on his belly was covered in small, faint reddened areas.

“Oh no, Bob.  She’s started pinching you again hasn’t she?”

*******

With the plight of abused women so well documented, it is easy to neglect the scourge that is the abused husband…or in this case a HAS-BEN (Husband Accosted, Scrotum Bereft, Emasculated, Neutered).  Pinchings and ugly looks are only the beginning of this horrible spiral of events.  Soon, the abusing woman is going around in public without make-up.  It can even go so far as withholding the “kissy-kissy.”

HAS-BENs aren’t always easy to spot.  They may wander about society with brave faces but at home they cower in front of the TV watching a sporting event….any sporting event to escape the pain that is interacting with their spouse.  In Bob’s case, he was in front of ESPN from the moment he got home until he went to bed.  His health was even effected!  In an effort to comfort himself, he’d developed a snack food dependency.

Here are some of the undocumented traits of the abusive wife….

1) Sends her husband on errands…in the house!  She’ll send her HAS-BEN after children’s clothes, express displeasure at his selections, then send him back to try again.  Rinse & Repeat.  The abusing wife will to fetch a million things or perform other errands for no better reason than, “I’m already in bed.”  Outrageous but true!!

2) If abusing wives are busy, they require their HAS-BENs to be busy as well.  “Why should he not do household chores when I’m still doing them?!” She reasons.  “Whether he’s done or not with his duties, he should still be working or at least helping me!”

3) Among the most devious of these tactics is serving food the HAS-BEN despises.  The offending wife sadistically thinks, “I know he doesn’t like squash and there are a hundred different vegetables he would eat instead but…I think I’ll fix them anyway.” Treacherous!

I did nothing for Bob and years later he was a three and fifty pounds and resorting to online role playing games in order to avoid his wife.  At that point it was too late to change the HAS-BEN back into a husband.  If you know anyone who needs help, please, take a moment to call 1-888-HAS-BEEN to speak with someone who may or may not care.

 Today marks the end of a long drought – a chain of endless days will finally break.  Greg Dillwine and his family is stepping off a plane in Nashville and I’ll be there to greet him.  Until I met Melissa, Greg was the almost singular definition of “friend.”  Time and distance have been useless against our common traits:  mild pessimism, milder pragmatism, and a dangerously weak sense of.humor.  Heck, we even have the same genetic back ground – German/Bohemian.      

 We’ve been “co-conspirators” for almost three decades.  Since our fledgling days in one of Dickinson’s small private schools through the very latest DodoEgg.com post, Greg and I have always been Person #1 and Redundant #2.  We sometimes switch roles to no great effect.  Much of our growing up together was used to perfect two separate art forms – amusing only ourselves and soaking our romantic ineptitude in high fructose corn syrup.   

 Here’s a good example…We’re cruising Villard Street hoping a carload of pretty girls would wave us down.  We would have been more likely to see a herd of buffalo fly by.  Greg takes a long look at his Arizona fruit punch (he’s driving) and says,  “You know, once I bought an Arizona with low fructose corn syrup.  I took it back.”  We laughed and cranked up the Hot Pink Turtles.

 Our courage with the opposite gender had the strength of eggshells.  I would stress sweat sitting in the same row as a girl I found attractive.  We tried breaking this vice with weight lifting and inflated titles.  Since we couldn’t speak to girls directly we’d let our pectorals do the talking.  I’ve written about the Gorgeous Hunks Club in previous posts like this one and this one.  Unfortunately, the Club’s clout extended only to Greg’s front door.  (Greg’s mom and older sisters unanimously thought we were indeed hunks.)

 Greg’s father could have helped but didn’t.  Instead of teaching us the devious tactics he used to snare Mrs. D he would take us fishing.  We averaged one catch per day and almost 6,000 stories on how the fishing used to be much better.  Since we were in a camper miles from civilization, we had no choice but listen.  (Greg’s dad also skipped buying real toys.  Instead of providing cool toy guns he gave us chicken wire and plaster telling us to make our own guns.  He owned several apartment complexes and needed to patch a lot of holes.  The guns were cool…I guess.)  

 It took years before my parents bought our family a Nintendo and Greg’s family only watched one station.  (I’m not kidding.  Huge TV…satellite dish…VHS…and ONE station allowed!)  With such a dearth of entertainment, we spent most of our time swimming at the local pool (Swam there for years – surrounded by girls and I never remember speaking to one.), assembling puppet shows (early years), and constructing movies with deodorant sticks as the characters (college years and no we were not on anything).

 One occasion Greg and I were allowed to prepare supper at the Dillwine residence.  We were given five pounds of ground beef and told to make hamburgers.  “Hey Greg….onion, onion powder, and I’m out of ideas.  (digging through the cupboard and pulling out the food coloring).  Wait, what about coloring the burgers?!  Food coloring doesn’t effect the taste right?”

 ”No,” Greg replies, “I think green might be funny.”

 The burgers were a flop and Mr. Dillwine vowed that Greg and I would eat every last burger.  He eventually relented when it was decided there was no way to tell whether the burgers had gone bad or not.  Safety first!

 Greg and I eventually DID find interested females.  We have families now and what seem like a million other pursuits.  He lives in Fargo and I live near Nashville.  When I pick him up in a few hours,  that fact, finally, won’t matter. 

 Note:  Greg was snowed in and caught in the Chicago airport.  So….never mind.

Congratulations!!!  It’s been nine months since you ordered your Human Starter Kit.  Although we haven’t had any complaints, we apologize if you were forced to order multiple times.  (Note: We no longer use storks.)  If you’re new to being a “Infant Enthusiast,” you may be confused about the right applications for successfully growing your child.

Initially, babies are like high intensity hobbies or long term pets – both really.  They come out ready for nothing other than an aristocratic existence with you as their faithful suckers…uh, subjects.

Like any good “infant enthusiast” you need the tools to succeed.  Lame stuff like love, patience, and a nurturing spirit, are primarily used when other people are watching you.  Think about it…if you fill a box with “love” or “patience” and try to pass it off at a baby shower, you would have your finger sandwich taken from you!  Deep down inside all the best mothers know it’s the equipment that makes the difference.  

Here’s an abbreviated list of must haves just to get you started…

1) Stroller - Because you carried that kid for nine months!  Don’t do it another second!
 
2) Interactive Toys-  Remember, only toys with batteries are effective…at inducing insanity.  

3) Diaper Bag- It’s like a purse!  Now you can accessorize on both shoulders!

4) Changing Pad - Babies leak…wrap them in plastic or use one of these.

5) Diaper Genie- Grants wishes – makes diapers disappear!  (Quick story, Melissa got one of these during her baby shower and so we set it up in the upstairs nursery.  One of Saul’s first pee diapers went into it before we started changing his diaper downstairs. The diaper genie was pushed aside but never emptied.  I think we kept that diaper for over two years before finally taking it out. 

“Hey Melissa, we’ve kept it so long now…shouldn’t we just tape it into his memory book?”) 

6) Diaper Basket-  Here’s where you keep all the cleaning supplies.

7) Butt Paste- It’s white, creamy, and defiantly not for bagels…but you can put it on hot buns.

Baby Oil - Did you know a properly lubricated human starter kit will slide across a linoleum floor?

9) Breast Pump -  Men throughout history have been simultaneously fascinated and creeped out by this device.

10) Bottles + Accessories -  No, your human starter kit cannot be refueled with a shot glass.

11) Supply of Pacifiers – Infinite is the best kind of supply.

12) Children’s Tylenol – Because infants need drugs too…

13) Anti-Gas Drops-  …and not just one.

14) Crib - It looks like a cage but isn’t….well, maybe it is.

DodoEggs.com proudly announces the recall of its revolutionary, and popular baby monitor – The Ga-Ga Gabber!  Using space age materials, the Ga-Ga Gabber translates an infants cooing and crying into plainly understandable speech or English!  However, a translational “glitch” has raised the concern of  many caregivers and requires DodoEggs.com to publicize a recall. 

The Ga-Ga Gabber’s development team, a mix of intoxicated MIT drop-outs, engineered a product which computes the baby’s words AND calculates implied feelings as well.  The problem arises with a much too literal translational algorithm.  We at DodoEggs.com regret any embarrassing circumstances our product may have caused. 

All of our customers complaints have been throughly investigated and reviewed.  We now present a few of our favorites…

From Sally in Fort Smut, Ohio:  “I’m a nursing mother who had a friend over for lunch one day.  My twelve month old boy wanders over to her, grabs her knee, and coos.  We both thought it was adorable until the Ga-Ga Gabber blurts out, ‘Wow lady!  You’ve got a great rack!’  I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life!  How can you produce such a product!!!”

From Rachel in Travesty City, Utah:  “My infant girl was upstairs taking a nap.  She woke up and began goo-goo-gaaing with her teddy bear.  All of the sudden, there’s static and I hear my sweet Jessica mumbling, ‘Mr. Fuzz Butt, can you believe how tacky my outfit is!  My shirt says PRINCESS with a unicorn underneath.  Dang, is my mother colorblind!?”
 
Finally, here’s Joline from Busterville:  “I was fixing supper one night and trying to take care of my other two kids when my little Maxwell woke from his nap.  He must have had a poo poo diaper becasue suddenly I hear over the monitor, ‘Hey!!  How about a little help here!!  I’ve got a diaper full of crap here!!! I don’t see anyone else sitting in this stuff!!!”

We at DodoEggs.com apologize for any problems this “glitch” may have caused.  Please return your Go-Go Gabber to any DodoEggs.com office branch…conviently located in the Geographical Center of the Internet.

According to the Centers for Disease Control, nearly a billion American college students become sick each year. Sudden bouts of sickness seem especially common among those enrolled in Speech 101. Studies have found an amazing correlation between high absenteeism for assigned speeches and Collegiate Hypersensitive Identity Konditionary Numbness  or CHIKN.

College professors have been uncharacteristically callous to those dealing with CHIKN. They have successfully kept Collegiate Hypersensitive Identity Konditionary Numbness out of any mental illness journal including the authoritative MAD magazine. Some Speech 101 instructors have been so unreasonable in their expectations they have begun employing their most severe punishment, a C-.

This harsh indifference comes as a surprise to most college freshmen. Many struggle with the idea of speaking coherently and staying on topic. “Yea, I was totally surprised.” says Mark Drippy, student at Disloyal University. “I mean, I’ve probably plagiarized like a dozen papers, I mean, that’s what the Internet is for right?”

Even graduate students found discussing CHIKN difficult. Matt Teply of Nashville choked up a bit when asked about his bout with CHIKN. “Well, my wife fixes it all the time but she’s more interested in health than taste. Darn it woman! Quit baking and boiling that stupid bird! Fry it then cover it with cheese for Pete’s sake!!”

Besides the intense stresses, those who suffer from CHIKN also deal with other side effects. Frank Tescher of Salt Lick, Utah is a retired teacher who fought the effects of CHIKN for years. “I would often be speaking in front of an entire room of seventh graders when, (shudders) I would accidentally spit on one. I don’t know what to say! It would just come out – I blame my CHIKN.”

Mr. Tescher mysteriously continues, “Sometimes I’d be teaching some grammar and I’d somehow blow a bubble! Yea, I’d have to stop and direct the class’s attention to the little bubble. Most of them couldn’t see it but the folks up front thought it was funny.”

 Fraternity and sorority advocacy groups have lobbied for medical marijuana rights to be extended to those suffering from CHIKN.

Researchers from around the world are now applying for grants to study the ill effects of CHIKN. Preliminary tests indicate it may have something to do with what scientists are calling the “wimp” gene. The gene also controls underarm sweat glands, overused phrases, and hurried speaking. If a cure for CHIKN is found, society may one day be free of cowardice toward public speaking.

My four year old son, Saul James, suffers from a schizophrenic type of courage.  He has locked himself in darkened closets and waited patiently until I realized we’re playing hide & seek.  I usually find this out after hearing his taunting, impatient calls.  Saul will follow me under the house in search of a tool I’ve stashed in that light-less realm.  When swimming, he’ll boldly tread water that laps at the top of his neck making his head into a little blond bobber.

 And yet, animals send him running for the hills.  Horses, dogs, frogs, earthworms all become instruments of torture.  For Halloween or if he’s just bad, we drag him through a petting zoo.  If only DHS understood what we were doing!!! 

 Lately, we’ve come to realize that Saul’s boldness now extends to falling.  The other day, Saul was leaping off the arm of the couch and plummeting to the hardwood floor.  A fall of four feet or more depending on how high Saul decides to jump. 
 
 The concussion of his landing bringing Melissa to attention.  She found him on his belly staring at the shoe molding.  “Saul, what are you doing?!  You can hurt yourself.”

 ”Don’t worry mom!”  Saul says from the floor.  “I don’t break.”

 Later as Melissa shares the story with me, she quips, “What will his attitude be when he’s seventeen.  He won’t need tattoos – he’ll be covered in scars.” 

*****

Look up the word “sophistication” in the dictionary.  The antonym is Grape Soda.

*****

 I discovered something the other day that I thought every dutiful reader of DodoEggs.com needed to know.  You’re welcome in advance…

 What would you do if you needed an alias?  John Doe has been used and any name you’d make up yourself would sound stupid.  This could be a real hindrance if the CIA ever came calling or Hollywood wanted you to create a screen name.  I mean you can’t star in a blockbuster spy movie with a name like Pauline Morris!

 A spy friend of mine recently shared the formula with me…Step One: Take your middle name and make it your first name.  Step Two:  Take the street name you live on and make it your last name.  It’s that simple. 

 Hmmm…Say hello to Allen Wrench.  (The street is actually Wrenchwright.)

*****

Every now and then I’ll make up my own math worksheets.  We’d been studying probability and I decided to create an assignment titled…”If Mr. Teply presses SHUFFLE on his Ipod, what is the probability of…”  I then offered the following list of musicians and how many songs from each I supposedly had.  Of course I followed this with questions regarding the chances of getting a hip-hop song or a country song etc. 

15 songs by The Country Hicks-Ups  (I thought this was funny.  They didn’t.)

40 songs by YeeeHaaa Surprise (If you read it with an exaggerated accent, it’s funny.)
  
22 songs by The Saddle Sours (I meant to type Saddle Sores – this is spell check’s fault!)
  
90 songs by Ka-Thump-Bump (This is the sound I hear every time I walk Wal-Mart’s parking lot.)

55 songs by Lil’ Bling (When I came up with the name, I figured there was a fifty-fifty chance there was an actual artist by that name.)  

25 songs by The Bleeding Ears (Well if I had a rock band that would be our name but no one wanted to form a band around a kazoo.) 

*****

Look at the title of this post again.  I once started an email to my fellow teachers with this title.  Curse you spell check!!

From the Classified Section of the DodoCoop Gazette…

I’ve tried the bar scene, singles groups, on-line chats,
double dates, blind dates, and dates who were blind.
I’m now desperate enough for the classifieds!
Not as needy as I sound.  CALL ME! 

Siamese twin (male, 24) looking for single female.
I enjoy time w/ family and specialty clothing stores.
I share a stomach and intestine w/ brother but nothing else.

SWF – I’m a deluxe swimsuit model with $$$$$.
I love sports and seek a man to make happy.
Whirlwind romance my dream / Pre-nup OK.
Seeking SWM that will believe anything.

Get 2 men for the price of one!
On-line character is Level 80 Necromancer!
Dashing, rich, able to cast enchantment spell on you!
Real self (5′2, 246 lbs.) available as well.

Single white female will take any slightly used man.
Money is more important than looks or charm.
I lie about my age – now forgotten my real age.
Like to gamble?  Call me 123-4560.

Single Male Beagle seeking last foray.
My romantic skills keen – 6 unexpected litters!
Master displeased \ will soon neuter.
Seeking SFB and something to howl about.

SWM seeking good maid / hot girlfriend.
Excellent pay but the benefits are only average.
Promotions opportunity – as future spouse!
My socks are waiting for you!  Call 434-2344!

Attention all Super Heroes and Wannabes!  It’s time for the Semi-Century, Blow-Out Sale at Super Power Emporium!  Ever wanted a super power but felt like they were too expensive or difficult to operate?  Come to Super Power Emporium where our highly trained staff of retired super heroes and villains will show you everything you need to know about buying and using your own Super Power!

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Check out this week’s list of amazing deals…

Stoplight Power – Imagine how quickly you can stop the bank robbers from detonating a nuclear device if you didn’t have to stop at reds?!?!  Or better yet, imagine how quick your commute to work would be?!?   Now you can change the color of a light or extend greens with Tele-Kenetic-Microbial Brain Waves!  All it takes is $19.95 at Super Power Emporium and a bite from a radioactive traffic cop!

Jumping Out of Pools – Perhaps you’ve never thought about jumping out of the pool’s shallow end onto the deck…but why not?  There’s nothing more inglorious for supper heroes than pulling oneself out of a pool.  Frog-Man is now selling the secret to his amazing ability.  You just need $12.95 and to eat sixteen radioactive flies.  Leaping out of water can also be useful for barrels of acid or any other dangerous liquid a villain may drop you in. 

Touching Your Toes -  Remember being able to do this?  Experience the thrill again with Plastic Man’s “Let’s get Plastic.” video.  (Note:  This has nothing to do with cosmetic surgery.)  This super power helps you dodge bullets AND get the most out of your spandex super suit – only $2.34 + the cost of the video.

Golden Touch – Your butt may itch but don’t scratch!  With this power, you’ll be able to change anything you touch into pure gold.  You’ll have trusty sidekicks knocking down your door!!  (Note:  This is a used super power – returned by its aristocratic first owner due to user error.  We guarantee it will work for you.)  The cost ($31.99) is only a small initial investment!!!

Pulling Quarters Out of Children’s Ears – One of the Super Power Emporium’s best sellers is now on sale!  With only $14.99, that’s only 60 quarters, you can waltz down the halls of daycares and elementary schools pulling money from the yellow-orange gunk of their unwashed ears!  Be advised, this trick turns brain cells into money.  Too many pulls from their ears will result in a fascination for hip-hop music, lottery tickets, and cable television.  Also, 99% of children don’t let you keep the quarter.

Donut Power- MoochMan is now offering the general public the keys to his most spectacular power.    It’s the ability to locate, within a twelve mile radius, any box or bag of FREE donuts!   People are constantly bringing these delectable goodies to conferences, hospitality rooms, church meetings, and the office work room all the time!  Be there faster than instant coffee after only six hours in a radioactive oven and $144.99 to Super Power Emporium.

Super Power Emporium – Where Selling Super Powers at Amazing Prices is Our Super Power!!