Coco Intolerance
Dear DodoEggs.com,
I’ve been really depressed lately and there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. It’s hard for me to get out of bed in the morning, talk with friends, eat, or even check my horoscope. It’s hard to see straight and I think I punched my cat in the face earlier. It’s hard for me to say this but after years of causal eating, I’ve developed a severe intolerance to chocolate! Ice cream, cake, fudge, brownies, shakes, syrup, pudding, donuts and everything else that makes life worth living are now off limits to me. You never know when that last bite might be your last!!
This whole thing is a cruel irony considering I’m the one that brought that camp side favorite, smores, into the next century! Imagine the delectable joy of two gram crackers and a marshmallow fused together with rich, smooth chocolate. NOW imagine we REMOVE the weak links in this little threesome. I developed the world’s first “Chore” which melts a chocolate bar between two stale brownies topped with thickened blocks of chocolate pudding! A few seconds over the fire and the chocolate will bathe each of your eager taste buds! Lobbyists from the gram cracker and marshmallow industry conspired to wipe me out but that’s only because they knew THEY couldn’t compete!
It’s going to be tough having to peel all my peanut butter cups.
I called Hershey’s (Pennsylvania is in the Holy Land) to see if they’d ever had other faithful costumers who’d developed this sort of allergy. After waiting on hold for almost twenty minutes, someone finally got on the line with me and suggested I try white chocolate. She swore it was just as good. She said that I would like it. Well, I tried that albino wanna-be and would rather brush my teeth with Ajax than do it again. Hershey’s name should be changed to Heresy’s for even suggesting white chocolate.
I’ve tried rubbing myself down every night with chocolate scented lotions and candles. My tongue is soft and supple now but my stomach hurts.
I’d love to tell you that there are bright silver linings to living with chocolate intolerance but there isn’t. I wander the streets at night watching young lovers share chocolate milk shakes under the moonlight. Restaurants only torment me with their delectable five dollars a piece deserts – they give it for free to anyone smart enough to lie about their birthday.
Sugar candy is for kids and baked goods (sans chocolate) are for old people. (Sigh.) Thank God I’ve still got Cool Ranch Doritoes.
Allergic to Chocolate? This solid milk chocolate FLAVORED bunny might work. If you’re brave enough.
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