Dodo Eggs

Quotes overheard at DodoEggs.com’s worldwide headquarters upon the second anniversary of the company’s floundering.  Each corresponds to DodoEggs.com’s inside story told by the Chief Dodo himself…Matt Teply.

“So does anyone know how much venture capital is left?”  – Hairy Tennpenny, Chief Financial Officer after locking representatives from the Securities and Exchange Commission in his office…again.

>>> My friend, Greg Dillwine, and I decided to start this blog after exchanging emails with subject lines like, “Matt Breaks His Wind” and “Name Change!  Greg’s new last name is Dillweed!” Obviously, the last thing we needed to do was start a blog.

DodoEggs.com was the name we wanted to use and to our shock – it was already taken.  We bought the domain from a cyber-squatter.  The negotiations were strenuous.  Mr. Squatter kept insisting that he was on the cusp of developing content for the site, which would then translate to unlimited cash flow.  We were, “Asking him to sell the opportunity for a lifetime!” Additional negotiations took place…he wanted to raise his asking price and so we raised our naughty finger.  Eventually, a price of 150 dollars was agreed upon.  I donated $50 and Greg generously threw away $100.

“A good product can mean good business.  Of course, I’ve seen a lot of bad products do pretty well too.  Which one is OUR strength?”   -Gus Wright, Head of Vice Monitoring for the Salt Lick City branch office.

>>> I though I had it made.  I mean, have you SEEN what goes around as a popular humor blog?!  It’s one abrasive, profane, poorly written, absolutely pointless narrative after another.  Many didn’t even make sense!  I figured a fairly clean, clever collection of posts had to be a success.  Additionally, each post wasn’t tied to any particular event or time – each post is just as pertinent now as it was when I wrote them.  I thought this was an obvious advantage over political blogs and others whose archives lose value with every passing day.  I mean, who wants to read why Hillery will win the election?

I was wrong.  DodoEggs.com would have been more popular if I had made it the diary of a sixty year old stripper with terets syndrome.  The formula was right there and I waltzed right over it!  What was I thinking!?

“Son, it don’t do any good to slam the pedal down if there ain’t any gas.”  – Frank Wordwright, Lead Culture Contributor DodoEggs.com’s Southeastern Command.

>>> When I began writing DodoEggs.com, my enthusiasm couldn’t be matched.  I posted EVERY SINGLE WEEKDAY from April to November of that first year.  Looking back, that kind of output stuns me.  It was November 11th when I missed my first post and it tore my soul in two.  “What will my readers do without their daily dodo egg?!” My angst wasn’t funny then but it’s funny to me now.

Greg installed several tracking programs that were supposed to tell me how many people were reading the site.  “It’s not an exact science.” Mr. Dillwine would mutter.  He’s not kidding. I couldn’t tell whether I had 180 readers or 18.  As time went on, it became a little closer to .18.

The final straw came a couple of weeks ago with a post I was really excited about (pictures!)  I asked my coworkers to skip over an take a look at it for me.  DodoEggs.com isn’t something I pester them with – I believe I’d mentioned it once before during the calender year.  None of them went.  In fact, one told me, “I haven’t even been to my room yet!  Why would I waste time on some stupid blog!” Hey lady, don’t waste perfectly good tact on me!

“Jellybeans are such a crock!  I mean, have you ever tried spreading them over bread?!  I’m telling you dude, it doesn’t work very well.”  – Eugene Wasikowaska

>>>Whenever I needed a kick around character I used a guy by the name of Eugene.  Eugene is a name that I find impossible to take seriously.  Naming a child Eugene relegates him to custodial work, being a stand up comic, or college professor.  Eugene is a name zoo workers give to the latest addition to the orangutan environment.  Eugene was one of the only employees at DodoEggs.com that I ever mentioned by name.  Apparently he’s wart-ridden, short, groveling, and a near perfect troll…oh, and he has a bowl of community jellybeans on his desk.

What I find interesting about that is most of DodoEggs.com’s traffic comes from a picture of jellybeans that Greg posted to one of my early posts.  If you search jellybeans on Google, there’s a good chance you’ll find DodoEggs.com.  A lot of innocent folks do.  To capitalize on this, we’ve set of an Amazon advertisement link to sell jellybeans.  We’re hoping for greater returns than the DodoEggs.com thongs we tried selling during the site’s first year.

“Merit is a wall built from sacrifice and held tight by self-control.”  -Paul Bearer

>>>  One of my deep thoughts that never seemed DodoEggs.com appropriate.

DodoEggs.com isn’t dying but it is going into a hibernation-like state.  Simply put, I have other (more promising) things to do.  DodoEggs.com will now be updated on the 1st and the 15th of every month.  Please come back!  If anyone out there is a regular reader, I apologize and hope you’ll leave a comment.  I’d love to know you exist.

Little know fact:  If you type in ClownPolice.com, you arrive at DodoEggs.com.  Try it.

Dear DodoEggs.com,

I’ve been really depressed lately and there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. It’s hard for me to get out of bed in the morning, talk with friends, eat, or even check my horoscope. It’s hard to see straight and I think I punched my cat in the face earlier. It’s hard for me to say this but after years of causal eating, I’ve developed a severe intolerance to chocolate! Ice cream, cake, fudge, brownies, shakes, syrup, pudding, donuts and everything else that makes life worth living are now off limits to me. You never know when that last bite might be your last!!

This whole thing is a cruel irony considering I’m the one that brought that camp side favorite, smores, into the next century! Imagine the delectable joy of two gram crackers and a marshmallow fused together with rich, smooth chocolate. NOW imagine we REMOVE the weak links in this little threesome. I developed the world’s first “Chore” which melts a chocolate bar between two stale brownies topped with thickened blocks of chocolate pudding! A few seconds over the fire and the chocolate will bathe each of your eager taste buds! Lobbyists from the gram cracker and marshmallow industry conspired to wipe me out but that’s only because they knew THEY couldn’t compete!

It’s going to be tough having to peel all my peanut butter cups.

I called Hershey’s (Pennsylvania is in the Holy Land) to see if they’d ever had other faithful costumers who’d developed this sort of allergy. After waiting on hold for almost twenty minutes, someone finally got on the line with me and suggested I try white chocolate. She swore it was just as good. She said that I would like it. Well, I tried that albino wanna-be and would rather brush my teeth with Ajax than do it again. Hershey’s name should be changed to Heresy’s for even suggesting white chocolate.

I’ve tried rubbing myself down every night with chocolate scented lotions and candles. My tongue is soft and supple now but my stomach hurts.

I’d love to tell you that there are bright silver linings to living with chocolate intolerance but there isn’t. I wander the streets at night watching young lovers share chocolate milk shakes under the moonlight. Restaurants only torment me with their delectable five dollars a piece deserts – they give it for free to anyone smart enough to lie about their birthday.

Sugar candy is for kids and baked goods (sans chocolate) are for old people. (Sigh.) Thank God I’ve still got Cool Ranch Doritoes.

Allergic to Chocolate? This solid milk chocolate FLAVORED bunny might work. If you’re brave enough.

Public Notice: Matt & Melissa Teply of Loss Vegas, Nevada are listed as defendants in a defamation suit by a Mr. Easter Bunny.  The litigation stems from an incident on April 4th, 2010 in which the defendants allegedly defamed Mr. Bunny’s likeness in a reckless effort to celebrate Easter.  Mr. Bunny asserts that the Teply’s “effigy in cake” so depreciated his image that he may be forced to relinquish Easter and become the Flag Day Bunny.

Speaking on behalf of his client, the lawyer for Mr. Bunny said, “The pictures speak for themselves.  After many, many years of constructing a wholesome brand, the Teply’s so-called Easter cake portrays my client in too disparaging a light.  The first cake is hardly distinguishable!  It’s just a mangled mound of yellow cake and misplaced icing!  As for the other cake, did you see the way Mr. Teply put on the small purple jelly beans?  They make my client look retarded!

“If Mr. Bunny loses his position as the ambassador of Easter, we can only assume his Australian rival, Mr. Easter Kangaroo, will try to take Mr. Bunny’s position.  We are tired of hearing how Mr. Kangaroo can carry Easter eggs in his pouch.  If this happens, it will most assuredly be partially attributed to Mr. Teply’s actions this season.”

Exhibit A: Notice the child’s delirium

Addressing the media yesterday, Mr. Teply strongly denies he tried to make the Easter Bunny look retarded.  “Look, my grandmother used to make these bunny cakes for us when we were young.  I thought it would be easy to do!  Take a circular cake, cut it in half, and stick the halves together.  Then you cover the thing in icing and sprinkle with coconut to give it a furry feel.  Accessorize with two ears cut out of cardboard before adding jelly beans and marshmallows.  It sounded easy!”

Mr. Teply fought tears before continuing,  “I, I guess I wanted…a tradition for my own son.  I didn’t want to make the Easter Bunny look retarded…I swear!” Despite repeated public apologizes, it appears Mr. Teply is unable to wipe the Cadbury Egg off his face.  The law suit seeks damages in the hundreds of thousand of jellybeans

Children’s advocacy groups have also waded into the fight.  Mark Cocobutter of SHAC (Safe Holidays Activist’s Commission) saw the photo evidence and released a twelve page statement in which he stated, “Look at the ridiculous delirium on the child’s face.  This child obviously has no idea what an Easter Bunny is supposed to look like and these “cakes” certainly won’t help.  We are saddened that people like Mr. Teply are given the ability to have children.”

Despite the hyperbole and excessive verbiage, it is unlikely the case will be brought to trial anytime soon.  Comparatively, the lawsuit Mr. Kris Kringle brought against the people who spawned Kwanzaa is still caught in the gears of litigation.  Additionally, it should be noted that Mr. Kringle’s case against Kwanzaa is much stronger than the comparatively minor action Mr. Teply took.

The Unhappy Easter Bunny or Unhappy Easter Muskrat?

Dear Dr. P,

Thanks,   Wonder Wizard (Slayer of Evil)

Dear Wizzer,

Dr. Pokorny.

Bits of wisdom lay about his world like the pennies on convenience store parking lots.  People, knowingly or not, cast them here and there so the prudent can pick them up.  Of course, wisdom has pluses that make it substantially worth more (and fewer germs).  Here’s a few I’ve picked up…

>>> The last time I wanted to install some hardwood in my home I rented a nail gun that required an air compressor.  Instead of renting that too, I knew a handyman that had a couple and without thinking, I asked him if I could borrow one.

“Matt,” he replied.  “You never ask a man to borrow anything he uses to make a living.”

>>> I finally discovered what separates those with a J-O-B and those who make the best employees.  One of the special education teachers I work with signed up for an inclusion conference to “advance her knowledge of her given field.”  I signed up just to get a day out of the classroom.  Good News….we both got what we wanted!

However, our conversation stuck with me.  She wanted to improve her ability to instruct children – a task I was trying to get out of doing.  Like a bolt of lightning, I suddenly understood what separated me from a good employee.  Good employees do two things: they sweat the details and they work to get better at what they do.

How wonderful to have an occupation that makes you care that much.  I wish I did.

>>> The Teply residence was out of mayo and I had just opened a can of tuna.  In college, I would eat tuna straight from the can but those days were well behind me.  I looked at the pinkish/gray flesh and wondered what I would need to do to salvage the meal.

“What could I substitute for mayo?” I sifted through the condiments in the refrigerator door .  “Uh, catchup, mustered, sour cream….I don’t think so.”

Then I saw the Italian dressing and I was hit with inspiration.  I enjoy Italian dressing and I love tuna…Italian is zesty and tuna can be plain…Italian is oil based and tuna is often sold in oil.  The idea wasn’t as crazy as it sounds right away!

I dumped the dressing on the tuna and took a bite eager to discover the dynamic new taste I’d unearthed.  Instead I wound up pealing the top off the roof of my mouth.  I tried offering the tainted tuna to the cat…two sniffs and its whiskers fell off.

Melissa would later advise me, “Good cooks have intuition.  They know what works, might work, and what should never see the same bowl.  You might get there someday but for now stick with cold cereal.”