Dodo Eggs

Congratulations!!!  It’s been nine months since you ordered your Human Starter Kit.  Although we haven’t had any complaints, we apologize if you were forced to order multiple times.  (Note: We no longer use storks.)  If you’re new to being a “Infant Enthusiast,” you may be confused about the right applications for successfully growing your child.

Initially, babies are like high intensity hobbies or long term pets – both really.  They come out ready for nothing other than an aristocratic existence with you as their faithful suckers…uh, subjects.

Like any good “infant enthusiast” you need the tools to succeed.  Lame stuff like love, patience, and a nurturing spirit, are primarily used when other people are watching you.  Think about it…if you fill a box with “love” or “patience” and try to pass it off at a baby shower, you would have your finger sandwich taken from you!  Deep down inside all the best mothers know it’s the equipment that makes the difference.  

Here’s an abbreviated list of must haves just to get you started…

1) Stroller - Because you carried that kid for nine months!  Don’t do it another second!
 
2) Interactive Toys-  Remember, only toys with batteries are effective…at inducing insanity.  

3) Diaper Bag- It’s like a purse!  Now you can accessorize on both shoulders!

4) Changing Pad - Babies leak…wrap them in plastic or use one of these.

5) Diaper Genie- Grants wishes – makes diapers disappear!  (Quick story, Melissa got one of these during her baby shower and so we set it up in the upstairs nursery.  One of Saul’s first pee diapers went into it before we started changing his diaper downstairs. The diaper genie was pushed aside but never emptied.  I think we kept that diaper for over two years before finally taking it out. 

“Hey Melissa, we’ve kept it so long now…shouldn’t we just tape it into his memory book?”) 

6) Diaper Basket-  Here’s where you keep all the cleaning supplies.

7) Butt Paste- It’s white, creamy, and defiantly not for bagels…but you can put it on hot buns.

Baby Oil - Did you know a properly lubricated human starter kit will slide across a linoleum floor?

9) Breast Pump -  Men throughout history have been simultaneously fascinated and creeped out by this device.

10) Bottles + Accessories -  No, your human starter kit cannot be refueled with a shot glass.

11) Supply of Pacifiers – Infinite is the best kind of supply.

12) Children’s Tylenol – Because infants need drugs too…

13) Anti-Gas Drops-  …and not just one.

14) Crib - It looks like a cage but isn’t….well, maybe it is.

• Great Moments in Parenting
• Childish Reasoning
• Grandparent Syndrome
• OLIVIA ARRIVES!
• The Good Old Days