A New Disease!!!
According to the Centers for Disease Control, nearly a billion American college students become sick each year. Sudden bouts of sickness seem especially common among those enrolled in Speech 101. Studies have found an amazing correlation between high absenteeism for assigned speeches and Collegiate Hypersensitive Identity Konditionary Numbness or CHIKN.
College professors have been uncharacteristically callous to those dealing with CHIKN. They have successfully kept Collegiate Hypersensitive Identity Konditionary Numbness out of any mental illness journal including the authoritative MAD magazine. Some Speech 101 instructors have been so unreasonable in their expectations they have begun employing their most severe punishment, a C-.
This harsh indifference comes as a surprise to most college freshmen. Many struggle with the idea of speaking coherently and staying on topic. “Yea, I was totally surprised.” says Mark Drippy, student at Disloyal University. “I mean, I’ve probably plagiarized like a dozen papers, I mean, that’s what the Internet is for right?”
Even graduate students found discussing CHIKN difficult. Matt Teply of Nashville choked up a bit when asked about his bout with CHIKN. “Well, my wife fixes it all the time but she’s more interested in health than taste. Darn it woman! Quit baking and boiling that stupid bird! Fry it then cover it with cheese for Pete’s sake!!”
Besides the intense stresses, those who suffer from CHIKN also deal with other side effects. Frank Tescher of Salt Lick, Utah is a retired teacher who fought the effects of CHIKN for years. “I would often be speaking in front of an entire room of seventh graders when, (shudders) I would accidentally spit on one. I don’t know what to say! It would just come out – I blame my CHIKN.”
Mr. Tescher mysteriously continues, “Sometimes I’d be teaching some grammar and I’d somehow blow a bubble! Yea, I’d have to stop and direct the class’s attention to the little bubble. Most of them couldn’t see it but the folks up front thought it was funny.”
Fraternity and sorority advocacy groups have lobbied for medical marijuana rights to be extended to those suffering from CHIKN.
Researchers from around the world are now applying for grants to study the ill effects of CHIKN. Preliminary tests indicate it may have something to do with what scientists are calling the “wimp” gene. The gene also controls underarm sweat glands, overused phrases, and hurried speaking. If a cure for CHIKN is found, society may one day be free of cowardice toward public speaking.
February 25th, 2010 at 9:43 am
Call the CDC!