Dodo Eggs

According to the Centers for Disease Control, nearly a billion American college students become sick each year. Sudden bouts of sickness seem especially common among those enrolled in Speech 101. Studies have found an amazing correlation between high absenteeism for assigned speeches and Collegiate Hypersensitive Identity Konditionary Numbness  or CHIKN.

College professors have been uncharacteristically callous to those dealing with CHIKN. They have successfully kept Collegiate Hypersensitive Identity Konditionary Numbness out of any mental illness journal including the authoritative MAD magazine. Some Speech 101 instructors have been so unreasonable in their expectations they have begun employing their most severe punishment, a C-.

This harsh indifference comes as a surprise to most college freshmen. Many struggle with the idea of speaking coherently and staying on topic. “Yea, I was totally surprised.” says Mark Drippy, student at Disloyal University. “I mean, I’ve probably plagiarized like a dozen papers, I mean, that’s what the Internet is for right?”

Even graduate students found discussing CHIKN difficult. Matt Teply of Nashville choked up a bit when asked about his bout with CHIKN. “Well, my wife fixes it all the time but she’s more interested in health than taste. Darn it woman! Quit baking and boiling that stupid bird! Fry it then cover it with cheese for Pete’s sake!!”

Besides the intense stresses, those who suffer from CHIKN also deal with other side effects. Frank Tescher of Salt Lick, Utah is a retired teacher who fought the effects of CHIKN for years. “I would often be speaking in front of an entire room of seventh graders when, (shudders) I would accidentally spit on one. I don’t know what to say! It would just come out – I blame my CHIKN.”

Mr. Tescher mysteriously continues, “Sometimes I’d be teaching some grammar and I’d somehow blow a bubble! Yea, I’d have to stop and direct the class’s attention to the little bubble. Most of them couldn’t see it but the folks up front thought it was funny.”

 Fraternity and sorority advocacy groups have lobbied for medical marijuana rights to be extended to those suffering from CHIKN.

Researchers from around the world are now applying for grants to study the ill effects of CHIKN. Preliminary tests indicate it may have something to do with what scientists are calling the “wimp” gene. The gene also controls underarm sweat glands, overused phrases, and hurried speaking. If a cure for CHIKN is found, society may one day be free of cowardice toward public speaking.

I picked up a People magazine and on the cover was a couple named the Duggins.  I don’t know anything about these folks other than they could use a little more sun and they have nineteen children.  Nineteen children?!  Are they assembling an army to conquer Luxembourg or planning to start their own circus?

After thinking about it for a while, I now realize there are A LOT of great reasons for having nineteen kids.  You can get by with a ton of unthinkable things and with nineteen kids people would understand.   
 - Accidentally leaving a kid at the zoo.  Instead of calling DHS, zoo employees would say, “Hey, it’s OK!  Eighteen out of nineteen isn’t bad!”

 - You always have leftover birthday cake in the house.  That’s a big plus…sign me up for a couple of extra kids!

 - Everyone should know how to use an outhouse.  With nineteen kids you’ll have a good reason to dig several.

 - Kids today are told they are special without having to prove it.  When your drowning in people that look just like you…well…you get to prove it!

So having nineteen kids makes perfect sense but what I don’t understand is how you can show each child the personal attention that they need.  I have one son and one daughter – I could shower them with constant attention and they wouldn’t get enough.  There is no limit to the investment I could make in each of them. 

How do you love a child individually when there are so many?  Some may argue that it depends on the parents.  I disagree.  Some parents are more enthusiastic than others, but all parents – good or bad – have to deal with this fact….there are only twenty four hours in a day.  Once you carve out the necessities of life, there may be five hours (or less!) to plug into your children.  Now that I have two children it’s hard for me to imagine having four and still having time to focus on each one.

A friend of mine grew up in a family of nine.  He told me that when you grow up in a large family you really don’t connect with your parents as much as you do with your older siblings.  The older children become something like surrogate parents.  Even when you get older, you talk to your parents when you can but it’s those older siblings that shape your childhood.

That’s not my idea of being a parent.  Opinions are worth the vapor their made from but here’s mine – I have a hard time seeing a parent of more than five (six?) children without handing over some of the responsibilities to others be they extended family or older children.  It’s my desire that Saul, Olivia, and whoever else has memories built from time not only with the entire family – but alone with me…you know…their father.

Dear Dr. Pokorny,

My wife has taken to wearing sweatpants and sweatshirts everywhere.  You know, I’m OK with the sweatshirts as long as she’s rocking a well-fitting pair of jeans but the sweatpants HAVE TO GO!!!  Yesterday I caught her with a fanny pack filled with M&Ms.  At this point, she looks homeless.

I can’t honestly think of a single good reason for women to wear sweatpants.  They say they’re comfortable.  Oh really?!  Well you know what else is comfortable…SILK NIGHTGOWNS!!  Yea, you want comfort, honey?!  If you find anything silk, I’ll buy it for you!

My daughter has even started wearing sweatpants!!!  I’ll never marry her off and get her out of the house!  Look…she’s not very bright.  Yesterday I asked her if she had ever used a cookbook.  “Sure!”  She excitedly replies.  Then she brought me the phone book with all the delivery places dog eared.  Put her in a pair of sweatpants and she’ll need to find a boyfriend online.  

When both of them are sitting on the couch they look like a couple of plush toys!  ( Panic Level 1)  When we’re in the grocery store, I go hang out in the snack food isle so I won’t have to walk with them!! (Panic Level 2)  Now a couple of my friends are asking if we’re expecting again!!! (Panic Level 3)

Can you help me?

Sincerely,  Bob McCormick
Dear Bob,

What your wife doesn’t realize is that she is transmitting an Attractiveness < Convenience ratio that is NOT healthy.  Let’s face it, for women it takes a lot more work (make up, form fitting clothes, plastic surgery) to look alluring than it does for men.  To which, all men collectively say, “That’s too bad.”

Some women figure this out on their own.  The others must NOT be told – we’ve lost a few good men that way.
 
While some females can look nice in sweatpants, it is generally understood that sweatpants are a NET LOSS.  If you take Woman A, who looks nice in sweatpants, you can guarantee she looks blistering in anything else.  It bears repeating…sweatpants are a NET LOSS.  There are always better options.

So what’s a man to do?  Since most men are too scared to broach this subject with the women in their lives drastic actions must be employed.  Take all the sweatpants in your house (Yours too – you don’t look so hot in them either.) to the back yard and burn them.  Then offer the women in your life gift certificates to any popular clothing store.  If they come home with more sweatpants, burn them too.    

Yours Truly,

Dr. Pokorny Esq.

My four year old son, Saul James, suffers from a schizophrenic type of courage.  He has locked himself in darkened closets and waited patiently until I realized we’re playing hide & seek.  I usually find this out after hearing his taunting, impatient calls.  Saul will follow me under the house in search of a tool I’ve stashed in that light-less realm.  When swimming, he’ll boldly tread water that laps at the top of his neck making his head into a little blond bobber.

 And yet, animals send him running for the hills.  Horses, dogs, frogs, earthworms all become instruments of torture.  For Halloween or if he’s just bad, we drag him through a petting zoo.  If only DHS understood what we were doing!!! 

 Lately, we’ve come to realize that Saul’s boldness now extends to falling.  The other day, Saul was leaping off the arm of the couch and plummeting to the hardwood floor.  A fall of four feet or more depending on how high Saul decides to jump. 
 
 The concussion of his landing bringing Melissa to attention.  She found him on his belly staring at the shoe molding.  “Saul, what are you doing?!  You can hurt yourself.”

 ”Don’t worry mom!”  Saul says from the floor.  “I don’t break.”

 Later as Melissa shares the story with me, she quips, “What will his attitude be when he’s seventeen.  He won’t need tattoos – he’ll be covered in scars.” 

*****

Look up the word “sophistication” in the dictionary.  The antonym is Grape Soda.

*****

 I discovered something the other day that I thought every dutiful reader of DodoEggs.com needed to know.  You’re welcome in advance…

 What would you do if you needed an alias?  John Doe has been used and any name you’d make up yourself would sound stupid.  This could be a real hindrance if the CIA ever came calling or Hollywood wanted you to create a screen name.  I mean you can’t star in a blockbuster spy movie with a name like Pauline Morris!

 A spy friend of mine recently shared the formula with me…Step One: Take your middle name and make it your first name.  Step Two:  Take the street name you live on and make it your last name.  It’s that simple. 

 Hmmm…Say hello to Allen Wrench.  (The street is actually Wrenchwright.)

*****

Every now and then I’ll make up my own math worksheets.  We’d been studying probability and I decided to create an assignment titled…”If Mr. Teply presses SHUFFLE on his Ipod, what is the probability of…”  I then offered the following list of musicians and how many songs from each I supposedly had.  Of course I followed this with questions regarding the chances of getting a hip-hop song or a country song etc. 

15 songs by The Country Hicks-Ups  (I thought this was funny.  They didn’t.)

40 songs by YeeeHaaa Surprise (If you read it with an exaggerated accent, it’s funny.)
  
22 songs by The Saddle Sours (I meant to type Saddle Sores – this is spell check’s fault!)
  
90 songs by Ka-Thump-Bump (This is the sound I hear every time I walk Wal-Mart’s parking lot.)

55 songs by Lil’ Bling (When I came up with the name, I figured there was a fifty-fifty chance there was an actual artist by that name.)  

25 songs by The Bleeding Ears (Well if I had a rock band that would be our name but no one wanted to form a band around a kazoo.) 

*****

Look at the title of this post again.  I once started an email to my fellow teachers with this title.  Curse you spell check!!

From the Classified Section of the DodoCoop Gazette…

I’ve tried the bar scene, singles groups, on-line chats,
double dates, blind dates, and dates who were blind.
I’m now desperate enough for the classifieds!
Not as needy as I sound.  CALL ME! 

Siamese twin (male, 24) looking for single female.
I enjoy time w/ family and specialty clothing stores.
I share a stomach and intestine w/ brother but nothing else.

SWF – I’m a deluxe swimsuit model with $$$$$.
I love sports and seek a man to make happy.
Whirlwind romance my dream / Pre-nup OK.
Seeking SWM that will believe anything.

Get 2 men for the price of one!
On-line character is Level 80 Necromancer!
Dashing, rich, able to cast enchantment spell on you!
Real self (5′2, 246 lbs.) available as well.

Single white female will take any slightly used man.
Money is more important than looks or charm.
I lie about my age – now forgotten my real age.
Like to gamble?  Call me 123-4560.

Single Male Beagle seeking last foray.
My romantic skills keen – 6 unexpected litters!
Master displeased \ will soon neuter.
Seeking SFB and something to howl about.

SWM seeking good maid / hot girlfriend.
Excellent pay but the benefits are only average.
Promotions opportunity – as future spouse!
My socks are waiting for you!  Call 434-2344!

Attention all Super Heroes and Wannabes!  It’s time for the Semi-Century, Blow-Out Sale at Super Power Emporium!  Ever wanted a super power but felt like they were too expensive or difficult to operate?  Come to Super Power Emporium where our highly trained staff of retired super heroes and villains will show you everything you need to know about buying and using your own Super Power!

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Check out this week’s list of amazing deals…

Stoplight Power – Imagine how quickly you can stop the bank robbers from detonating a nuclear device if you didn’t have to stop at reds?!?!  Or better yet, imagine how quick your commute to work would be?!?   Now you can change the color of a light or extend greens with Tele-Kenetic-Microbial Brain Waves!  All it takes is $19.95 at Super Power Emporium and a bite from a radioactive traffic cop!

Jumping Out of Pools – Perhaps you’ve never thought about jumping out of the pool’s shallow end onto the deck…but why not?  There’s nothing more inglorious for supper heroes than pulling oneself out of a pool.  Frog-Man is now selling the secret to his amazing ability.  You just need $12.95 and to eat sixteen radioactive flies.  Leaping out of water can also be useful for barrels of acid or any other dangerous liquid a villain may drop you in. 

Touching Your Toes -  Remember being able to do this?  Experience the thrill again with Plastic Man’s “Let’s get Plastic.” video.  (Note:  This has nothing to do with cosmetic surgery.)  This super power helps you dodge bullets AND get the most out of your spandex super suit – only $2.34 + the cost of the video.

Golden Touch – Your butt may itch but don’t scratch!  With this power, you’ll be able to change anything you touch into pure gold.  You’ll have trusty sidekicks knocking down your door!!  (Note:  This is a used super power – returned by its aristocratic first owner due to user error.  We guarantee it will work for you.)  The cost ($31.99) is only a small initial investment!!!

Pulling Quarters Out of Children’s Ears – One of the Super Power Emporium’s best sellers is now on sale!  With only $14.99, that’s only 60 quarters, you can waltz down the halls of daycares and elementary schools pulling money from the yellow-orange gunk of their unwashed ears!  Be advised, this trick turns brain cells into money.  Too many pulls from their ears will result in a fascination for hip-hop music, lottery tickets, and cable television.  Also, 99% of children don’t let you keep the quarter.

Donut Power- MoochMan is now offering the general public the keys to his most spectacular power.    It’s the ability to locate, within a twelve mile radius, any box or bag of FREE donuts!   People are constantly bringing these delectable goodies to conferences, hospitality rooms, church meetings, and the office work room all the time!  Be there faster than instant coffee after only six hours in a radioactive oven and $144.99 to Super Power Emporium.

Super Power Emporium – Where Selling Super Powers at Amazing Prices is Our Super Power!!

What’s the difference between fact and opinion?  My approval.  That’s right, Chief Dodo simply has to stamp an opinion with his OK and it magically changes to fact.  It’s like I’ve got the Midas touch over all things that are up for debate.

Here’s the proof. Pixar has completed 10 movies and I’ve ranked them from worst to first. 

#10 – Wal*E (2008)

Pluses – *Classic love story from an unlikely source.  *The robots were varied and interesting.

Subtractions -  *Cockroach was the supporting character.  *The comic relief (a little cleaning bot) was nonexistent for long portions of the movie.  *There were long stretches especially during the beginning that left you wondering if Pixar was just trying to lengthen the movie.  *Desperate – thirst educing – lack of dialogue.  *No cool antagonist. 

Additionally-  *What happened to the sandstorms that plagued earth in the movie’s beginning?  *How does that stupid plant manage to live with it changing hands so many times?  More importantly, the plant is out in space for a brief period of time…hey, space KILLS!  *Where did the new animals and plants come from?

#9 – Up (2007)

Pluses – *A cranky, stoic old man is comic GOLD.  *A fat Asian kid is comic PLATINUM!  *Great love story.  *The talking dogs were funny – especially the Alfa dog.

Subtractions –  *Going from (presumably) America to somewhere in South America by way of a thunderstorm made no scene – even for a movie with a flying house.  *The final scene was waaaay over the top.  *Not enough lines for the FAT, ASIAN KID!!

Additionally – *What on Heaven’s name is Mr. Fredrickson taking?!  The old man is strong enough to manage the momentum of an air born house, run from dogs, and keep a hose from slipping off an edge with a dog, fat Asian kid (see, you’re smiling), and a large bird on the other end!  *The villain was Mr. Fredrickson’s childhood hero…but he’s still alive and kicking when Fredrickson is an old man!  What?

#8 – Finding Nemo (2004)

Pluses - *Dory was great as a supporting character and comic relief.  *Story about overcoming your disadvantages was nice.  *Under water environments were neat – especially the sunken submarine and mines.  *Sharks who worked not to eat other fish was amusing.

Subtractions – Most of the movie was one chase scene after another.  Sharks!  Now deep-sea angler fish!  Look out…jellyfish!  Oh no gulls!  *The whale scene was hard to swallow (yep, a pun)

Additionally - Why was this movie such a smashing success?  I suppose it’s easy for kids to understand, “RUN or you’ll be eaten!”  I’d put UP ahead of this one but people would riot.

#7 – Toy Story 2 (2003)

Pluses – *Zerg was cool.  *I liked the toy collector angle.  *The toy store scene with all the additional Buzzes was comic. 

Subtractions - *It was a sequel – you lose points for that.  *Lacked much of the original’s magic.

Additionally – Are we really going to do a Toy Story 3?   …Apparently so.  The truth is I haven’t seen this movie in a long time.  The fact that I’m not making any effort to correct that isn’t a good sign.  This placement seems about right.

#6 Ratatulli (2007)

Pluses- *The kitchen staff was varied and interesting. *The imaginary Gusteu was fantastic.  A rat with an imagination!  *Using a childhood dish to dismantle the food critic’s facade was genius.  I loved it and could easily relate to it.

Minuses- *Well, did you notice that the main character was a rat?  It’s tough to get too excited about rats running a kitchen.  I could never quite get past it.  *I once worked in a restaurant.  The amount of time the critic waits to be served while all the high drama goes on in the kitchen and the streets drove me bananas.  When the kitchen staff walks out of the restaurant, a dude on roller skates waiting tables and one qualified chef isn’t enough to keep it going!  The critic and the others must have been waiting for forty-five minutes to an hour! 

Additionally- Remme rides a cookbook through lit sewer pipes to make it to Paris.  Last time I checked  books don’t float.  This bothered me.

#5 Bug’s Life (2001)

Pluses - *I thought it was visually appealing.  Everything looked exactly like it would to someone ant size…grains of sand as big as large rocks and droplets of water held by surface tension were nice touches.  *I thought it was honestly funny and the story (albeit predictable) was solid.  *I like screw-up main characters who wind up doing well.  *I enjoyed the circus bugs masquerading as warrior bugs angle.

Minuses- *Yea, it was pretty predictable.  Flick and Princess Ada was inevitable.  The ants were going to unite against the grasshoppers. 

Additionally- *Look, both the fake bird and the real bird scene was as much excitement as you’ll get out of bugs. *The ladybug whose a man is comic gold – you know it is!
   

#4 Monster’s Inc. (2003)

Pluses- *Wildly original!  The cast was a blast especially the Billy Crystal and Rozz characters.  *Collecting screams for power was a great idea as well as the resolution of using laughter as fuel.  *Oddly rewatchable – especially the first half.

Minuses – After the movie’s halfway point the movie quits being funny almost altogether and morphs into a serious, “We gotta save Boo!” game of hide and seek.  *The end chase was a little over the top and why was getting Boo so important to the bad guys…just go through another door and steal a different kid!

Additionally –  At first the Minuses bothered me too much to really enjoy this movie…but it’s growing on me.  I still think it could have been better – a missed opportunity with a great set up.

#3 Toy Story (2000)

Pluses – Everyone empathies with the lost toys of your youth.  I know I’d love to have all my toys back from when I was young.  Not only would they be worth a fortune but there’s no better anchor for the memories of youth.  *The first and a good one…That’s worth extra points.  *Not only were there two main characters but they were BOTH likable and funny.  Their competition was a great addition to the  plot. 

Minuses -  Visually, this Pixar was far and away the least appealing.  It was impressive at the time but now it looks a bit old.  *I don’t know…kid seemed a little obsessed with his toys.  Why weren’t any of the good kids toys broke?  Even good kids break toys.

Additionally- Hey, the music to this movie also contributed.  You watched it and hummed the tunes to yourself.  The other movies on this list (maybe Cars) can’t boast that. 

#2 Cars (2006)

Pluses- *Best opening sequence of any of the Pixar movies.  I have approximately zero interest in car racing and I was into it immediately.  *Great music.  *Strong comic relief in Tow Mater – honestly funny.  *No real antagonist, but a pretty good jerk who WINS in the end.  Great ending which was not seen ten laps out.  *A respect for small town heart and a nostalgic view of the fifties.  *A movie with a ton of cheese potential but avoided cheesy moments nicely.  *Enjoyed the movie from start to finish with almost no lulls.

Minuses- Sally was a boring character…really dull.

Additionally – *When I saw the previews for this film, I thought it would be Pixar’s Waterloo.  As it turns out they were planning that for a couple years down the road.  *The tractor tipping scene was a classic that really didn’t have much to do with the movie.   

#1 The Incredibles (2005)

Pluses - *Not quite as original as some of the others but it’s up there.  *NO BETTER SUPPORTING CHARACTER than Edna Mode.  Not only loved every scene she was in but every word that came out of her mouth.  Classic.  *Syndrome was a bit goofy but surprisingly serious for a Pixar movie.  *End battle scene was exciting.  You knew they had to – but you weren’t sure how they were going to beat the robot.  *Moive stayed funny and if you weren’t laughing, you were enjoying the action.

Minuses- The only one I can think of was…not enough Jack Jr.

Additionally – In a strange way, I enjoyed the message of “Not EVERYONE is special.”  But wait!  You can’t tell someone they’re not special!!!

Career Avalanche is the hardest working, most dynamic employment service in the industry!  We constantly scour the business world looking for the jobs that NO ONE else wants!  Now you – with no qualifications whatsoever – can find hundreds of cast-off jobs the click of a mouse!  Employment is easy when you’re not picky!  Each entry in Career Avalanche inundates the reader with valuable information concerning education, licenses, and potential contacts.  You can depend on the information you’ll find in Career Avalanche.

 Today’s fascinating career….Substitute Middle School Teacher.

Want to make a difference in the number of children you’ll have?  Strap yourself into that beat-up, swivel chair and hold on to that messy desk because you’re about to trade the mini-van back in!  Let’s hear from one potential leader in the substitute field…Marcus Rankfold.

 ”Dear Career Avalanche,
 I’m a risk taker.  I always rise to the challenge – no matter whether I need to back out of it or not!  The military seemed nice until I found out the guns were real.  REAL BULLETS, ARE YOU SERIOUS!?  Then I thought about being a police officer but criminals can weigh over 180 lbs.!  Look…a lot of things don’t scare me, so I want a job with challenge!”

Pursuing a pint-sized challenge?  Well, welcome to middle school substitution Marcus!  Every hour a bell will ring initiating your next opportunity for a demeaning exchange with children who don’t respect you.  You can huff and puff but these little piggies know that’s all you’re allowed to do! 

Just wait until you’re asked questions about the capitals in South America or the directions to some project you know nothing about.  They’ll have you feeling stupid in no time.  Don’t cave in!  Just reach for the teacher’s edition and pass it around the room.  Now you’re looking smart!

Here are some further tips for dealing with the uncivilized…

Tip #1 - Threatening to “take their name” may not be the best method.  This tactic admits to the students that you indeed have no real power to correct them and that you are deferring to a teacher who is not there.  (”PLEASE NO!  Mr. Rankfold!  My mother won’t know who I am if you take my name!  Oh, mercy!”)

Tip #2-  Find inflatable muscles and an oversized shirt.  Wear them. 

Tip #3- The answer to 99% of questions is always…No.  Stress that whining only adds extra Os.  (”I said, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.”)

Tip #4  – Before the school day, make an arrangement with the assistant principal to send one kid to the office at the beginning of each class.  It doesn’t matter what the offence is.  (”Gum stuck on the bottom of your shoe!?  GUM ISN’T ALLOWED!  Go to the office!”) 

In Summation…
Job: Middle School Substitute Teacher
Average Salary: School districts vary – scour the teachers desk for change or resale items.
Required Education:  Graduate from any middle school. 
Required Certifications & Licenses: Anger Management / Pigmy Linguistics
Average Length of Career:  Well as long as people keep breeding…