Dodo Eggs

Matt picks up Melissa at her mother’s house.  All day Matt’s mind has been conjuring ways to impress his new girlfriend while his heart continually sings her praises.  He showered before caking the deodorant under his arms and even a swipe down the middle of his chest.  In his pocket, he has his wallet and “protection” – twelve sticks of Big Red.

The front door is a shadow draped walk up the front driveway past the stunted grass that’s still trying to grow under that magnolia tree.  Matt knocks on the door and hides the dense cluster of roses behind his back.  It’s better to make a quick show of them instead of forcing them into her face.  After all, he wants her eyes drawn to his first before they go to the roses.

Melissa answers the door – her high cheeks and perfect smile giving Matt’s chest an unexpected thrill.  Her mother says hello and the couple steps to Matt’s car.  Neither can stop smiling…it really doesn’t matter where they’re going this evening as long as it ends in a private place.   Neither wish to be anywhere other than with each other. 

All this….and Matt is hiding a secret.  It’s a memo pad tucked secretly in his glove compartment.  The pages between the battered covers are full of numbers but not those of Matt’s previous “love interests.”  In fact, there are no phone numbers at all.  (Matt would have used a square of toilet paper for that.)  Beside the memo pad there’s a pen that marks in blood red ink.  The red ink is a keen description of Melissa’s effect on Matt’s wallet.

The pad contains dollar amounts down to the cent.  Matt wants to know the exact cost of finding a spouse so he’s recorded the cost of the roses ($22.98).  The dinner tonight will be paid out of Matt’s checking account but the cost won’t be lost to oblivion the second he stares too long in Melissa’s eyes…instead it will go into the memo pad (Two McDonald’s Happy Meals…$6.22).  He’s even prorated the increase deodorant usage to her account (consumption easily doubled!).

Eventually all fools talk.  “Hey mom,” Matt mentions one day on the phone.  “Guess what I’ve been doing?  Ha, I’ve been recording everything I’ve spent on Melissa.  You know, in case we ever get married I’ll be able to tell anyone exactly how much my wife cost.  That sounds pretty cool right?”

Silence for a moment.  “Matt, if you have any long term plans than destroy that thing NOW!  You can’t do something like that!  Don’t you have a romantic bone in your body?”

Matt’s brows knit.  “Why, is this against the rules?”

“Matt, listen to your mother.  The rules of romance are simple and complicated at the same time – I’ll keep this simple.  Show Melissa that you’re thinking of her even when she’s not around and let her know that she occupies the most prominent place in your thinking.  DON’T do anything that makes her question your mindset.  Buying her roses makes her believe that you’ve been thinking about her but recording the cost tells her you’re concerned about money.
Now do yourself a favor and throw that dumb thing away.”
 

Years later, after eleven years of martial ups and downs (many more ups), a wiser Matt thinks again about the memo pad he threw way.  “Man that was stupid.  A memo pad wouldn’t have been anywhere near big enough to record what this woman has cost me.”

• Testing Love
• Geographical Nonsense
• Redirected Proposal
• Grandparent Syndrome
• Need Bathroom Reading?