The Way of the Dodo
November 2nd, 2009 was my 350th, er, I mean 35th birthday. People sent cards and called to wish me a “Happy Birthday” but I’m no longer convinced birthdays are completely happy occasions. In a way, it’s like another step in everyone’s long path on the way of the dodo.
It used to be that birthdays were substantially happier. They were like magic spells where your parents couldn’t fault you. The number attached to your name changed meaning you had more freedom and more clout. A year older meant you were closer to dating age, driving a car, and telling your parents, “Sorry, I’m too old to be spanked.”
The biggest victory I celebrate on my birthdays now is the battle over the top, middle, and bottom. What do I mean? The top refers to my hair. (Still there…win.) The middle is the middle-aged gut all guys acquire. (Still not there…win. Note: If I was to start a middle aged gut now would be the season – days of Halloween candy coupled with days of leftover birthday cake.) The bottom refers to the fact that I can still run. (I do a 5k each time I step on the track. Does saying 5K impress anyone?)
I’ve come up with a possible remedy to the birthday doldrums. If for some reason, you forget about it does that negate it? I know it sounds far-fetched but if it just slipped your mind could you get by with it? …You’re right, it’s easier just to lie and be done with it.
Here’s a handy chart for those who didn’t already know…
18- You’re now a half adult.
21 – Now you’re a full adult.
27- If you’re not married, you should know that many of the good ones are going off the market about now.
30- That’s it. Now you’re no longer young. Welcome to middle aged.
35- If a lifetime was a mountain, you’re about to see the other side.
40- If you smile at a young woman, you’re now creepy.
55- Life takes a small bump…two actually. Kids should be leaving and retirement is close.
60 – You’re sex appeal…RIP.
70- The golden years of boredom. Maybe your thirties weren’t so bad.
80 – You ask yourself, “Why am I still here?”
90- Others ask, “Why is he still here?”
November 4th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
This tells me you’re a glass-half-empty kind of guy.
35 isn’t old. celebrate!!
November 4th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
pretty funny
November 6th, 2009 at 11:19 am
Matt- You are old. Dont listen to Jenn.
November 12th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Your 35 and your mother, 53…..doesn’t seem like such a spread anymore does it?