Professor Hurlbert Interview
Miss Nomar walked through the front doors of the converted hospital and is immediately surrounded by stern walls clad in sterile, sea green tile. Everything is quietly bathed in light from periodic light fixtures a few of which are not even on. Dakota University – Medora Branch’s renovation of the old hospital was a modest one. A few of the surgical rooms have been made into classrooms with only the addition of a few folding chairs and a feeble podium. Smaller patent’s rooms are now the offices for DUMB’s faculty.
A student with abnormally good posture and long unmanaged hair meanders by. Miss Nomar raises a hand in order to pull in his attention. He grudgingly stops as if the lost momentum causes him pain.
“Yes, excuse me, can you tell me where Dr. Hurlbert’s office is?”
The student points towards the steps just beyond his shoulder. “Uh, yea, Dr. Vomit is right up those stairs then somewhere on your right. Just read the signs.”
“I’m sorry, did you just call him Dr. Vomit?”
A smile reaches across the young man’s face and his head bobs a bit. “Heh heh, yea, with a name like that you really shouldn’t teach, right? You know, just too easy for the students to make fun of you. It’s really not so bad though, you should hear what we call Dr. Chitfaus. Like I said, I really don’t think they should allow you to teach when you have a goofy last name.”
Miss Nomar’s face went deadpan, “Cool, say I’m working on the college’s online newsletter. If you tell me your name, I’ll quote you.”
The student stared at Miss Nomar for an additional twenty seconds before shrugging and moving back into his sluggish gait.
The only thing to be heard as Miss Nomar continued to the next floor was the short rasp of her footfalls on the cold steps. It was the first Friday of the new semester. Each class’s projects were long from being due so the halls were empty of students begging for an extension and singing dirges of sorrow. It didn’t sound like anyone was around.
Miss Nomar arrived at Dr. Hurlbert’s door and knocked. It was a hollow sound and seemed swallowed by the office on the other side. A second later, the door knob turned with a bit of a high squeak. The door opened and the professor welcomed her inside with a sweeping motion of his arm. His height and build were plain with a slight bulge around the midsection of this suit.
“Well, you must be Miss Nomar. Welcome.” His graying beard parted in a friendly grin.
The interviewer stepped in and found a seat in front of Dr. Hurlbert’s meticulously organized desk. “Thank you, yes, I’m here from…”
“Oh, I know, DodoEggs.com! You know, that’s my favorite site!” He began laughing and under his breath he muttered. “Scrambled thought from fried thinkers…kills me every time.”
Miss Nomar removed and started her recorder as Dr. Hurlbert took his seat. “Someone called DodoEggs.com and said that you’ve quit teaching yet maintain a paid position with DUMB. As part of my investigative job I’ve come to find out how.”
Dr. Hurlbert didn’t reply for a moment. Instead he just stated at Miss Nomar before shaking his head. “Golly, I’ve almost forgotten how strange it is to hear a woman speak.”
“I’m sorry. What do you mean?”
“Well, the college needed someone to prep the cadavers for med labs. I volunteered and so I’ve done nothing but cut up bodies or whatever for almost a month now. After work I spend my evenings on the internet – you know – I’m kind of a geek.”
Miss Nomar struggled to hide her disgust. “You cut up dead bodies? Why would you volunteer for such a thing?!”
“Well, to meet ladies, of course.” He quickly raised his palms to stop Miss Nomar from interrupting him with the obvious questions. “Wait, let me explain. I thought working with and cutting up donated bodies would be a great conversation starter! Can you imagine how curious other people would be about my work? Instead of saying something boring like, ‘Yea, I teach,’ now I’m saying, ‘Yea, I work over dead bodies!”
Miss Nomar’s eye’s narrowed. “Wait, are you the one who called DodoEggs.com and set up this interview?”
Dr. Hurlbert rolled his eyes, “Well yes, I mean…” He stammered for a moment then continued, “I’m a little desperate for attention from, you know, a living woman. I tired getting a Russian bride and thus far the only Russian I’ve learned is ‘Nyet.’ What does that mean anyway?
“Before that, when I was still teaching, I tried impressing the female faculty members in the lounge with origami. You can guess that that didn’t go over either. I thought an interesting job in the field of Corpse Management would make conversations and thus interest in me automatic…hasn’t worked out though.”
Miss Nomar stopped the tape recorder and stood. “Thanks for dragging me down here. If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a date with a 64 oz. diet soda.”
Dr. Hurlbert stood as well, “Wait! Don’t you want to hear what we do with the leftover parts?! How about I tell you over dinner!?”
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