Dodo Eggs

Subject: Matt Teply – aka:  Matthew, “BUT ONLY IF YOU’VE CHANGED MY DIAPER!!”

Condition: Adultius Funonium Retardus – An inability to enjoy the events in life that have great appeal for so many other people.

Synopsis: Adultius Funonium Retardus was once clinically referred to by the acronym AFR but has become better known as “Lame-O’s Disease.”  It’s a rare disorder that inhibits the brain from producing the chemicals necessary for fun when exposed to most stimuli.

Research: We’ve studied Mr. Teply for over a decade and performed almost eight different lobotomies (One time didn’t count – we just shaved his head.) with no measurable change.  Mr. Teply has been exposed to almost everything commonly associated with enjoyment and with neutral to negative responses.  The subject’s condition appears to be permanent.

Here is a listing of stimuli in alphabetical order.

Concerts – Subject complains of loud noises and that the music doesn’t have the same clear quality.  Instead of participating in the public event, Mr. Teply searches relentlessly for a bathroom.  Although many people dance, Mr. Teply prefers to sit and completely refuses to dance with the music.  Mr. Teply admits, “Is the show worth the hearing loss?”

Golf - Subject is allowed to roam free on a public golf course and immediately begins breaking golf norms.  He takes a baseball-style swing at the golf ball with a completion percentage in the low twenties.  He then kidnaps a bucket of driving range balls and uses them to play the actual game.  Subject refuses instruction.  Mr. Teply lost eight balls on eight holes played, and was finally shooed off the course by the course manager.

Boating/Jet Ski/Water Skiing – Despite being a certified lifeguard and spending a great deal of time at the public pool, Mr. Teply was generally unenthusiastic about all three endeavors.  When asked to explain, the subject shrugs.  Again, classic Lame-O’s Disease symptoms.

Mr.Teply responds, “A boat?  They are expensive, eat up an entire driveway, require upkeep, are a pain to get anywhere, and you only use them a few times a year.”  Lame-O’s Disease for sure.

Beach – Subject complains about the sun.  Subject complains about the salt water.  Subject complains about being board.  Subject is given heavy sedative and thrown to sharks.

Enjoying Alcohol – Mr. Teply has been given multiple types of drinks to enjoy and finds them all “yicky.”  Subject equates beer with “horse piss” and becomes visually and verbally combative if challenged.  When forced to consume alcohol, Mr. Teply mistakenly chooses drinks specifically designed for females such as cosmopolitans, fruity schnapps, and white zinfandels.  Teasing from our research staff only increased the subjects hostility to the beverages.

Movies – Subject developed a toxic mix of outright hostility at being asked to pay large sums for an hour and a half of “tripe.”  Mr. Teply’s general response to the movies we showed him was disgust.  He hated the idea that people along the California coast were making millions and congratulating themselves for scripts real authors wouldn’t wipe their rears with.  Mr. Teply kept repeating, “Thank goodness for special effects!!”

Gambling – This trial was the shortest in duration.  Subject lost five dollars in three minutes on a slot machine and stormed out.  Research aids that tried to stop him from prematurely leaving the lab were summarily beaten.

Conclusion: We have failed to find a cure or even a treatment.  To ease the subject’s suffering we plugged him into a computer game and left the room.  Furthermore, do not invite Mr. Teply or anyone stricken with Lame-O’s Disease to anywhere other than a knitting club.

• Music to My Ears
• Un-Aware
• Choosing A Mate
• Saul’s Balls
• Generation Gap