New Ferderal Regulations!!!
US Department of Furry Affairs
Small Rodent Division
Tom Sylvester – Director
On August 25, 2009, Congress passed the Irritating Rodent Awareness Act by a super majority. This binding legislation sets strong standards for pet owners and businesses that sell pets. The law now requires that all hamsters, gerbils, and guinea pigs be owned and cared for by citizens fifteen and younger. Beginning November 2nd, 2009, all business which sell hamsters, hamster accessories, and hamster memorabilia will be required to post this new and helpful restriction…
ATTENTION:
FEDERAL LAW STATES THAT ANY ADULT WHO OWN HAMSTERS, GERBILS, AND GUINEA PIGS IS A GEEK AND IS UNFIT TO PROCREATE. THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA HAS FOUND THAT OVER EXPOSURE TO THESE VARIETIES OF SMALL RODENTS CAUSES DIBILITATING ODORS, WELL DESERVED LACK OF SELF-ESTEEM, AND THE INABILITY TO FIND SEXUAL PARTNERS.
HEREUNTO, NO ONE UNDER FIFTEEN IS ALLOWED TO PUCHASE HAMSTERS, HAMSTERS ACCESSORIES, OR BEAN BAG TOYS THAT LOOK LIKE HAMSTERS. EXCEPTIONS MADE FOR OWNERS OF REPTILES AND TAXIDERMISTS WHO MAKE THEM INTO PAPERWIEGHTS.
Geek advocacy groups have been very vocal about what they view as an infringement on their rights, however the overall value of a geek free populace trumped these minor concerns. Members of Congress held many hearings on the matter before making their decision. Unfortunately, the majority of these hearings were cut short so that the janitorial staff could find escaped hamsters and gerbils. The frequent escapes disgusted many members of the Senate’s Ways and Means Committee and may have tilted sentiment.
Quipped one congressman, “How do those retched things keep escaping? And can they do the same thing when cornered by the Justice Department on corruption charges?”
Legislation is still pending on Rabbits. House Bill #134 attempts to address the partisan issues surrounding what a rabbit sounds like. Biologists who have tagged wild rabbits with microphones seem no closer to finding an answer to this persistent question.
Speaking before the August congressional recess, Representative Peter Cottontail of Dakota Territory said, “Mothers, fathers, and non-traditional guardians across our great land teach the children that a cow says, “Moo” and a duck says, “Quack” but when the rabbit comes up, which it always does, parents are left speechless. Members of Congress…I FIND THIS UNACCEPTABLE!”
Should House Bill #134 become law, an extra six billion would be earmarked for research on this topic.
August 26th, 2009 at 9:14 am
Matt how do you think of these?! This is so funny.
August 28th, 2009 at 10:01 am
Matt i know deep down you miss “moses” your childhood hamster, missing two toes…