The Juvenile Miscreant’s Guide to Criminal Mischief
It’s late on a Sunday evening. Four teenage boys are missing their bedtimes for the sake of criminal mischief. The security light on the gymnasium’s west wall hasn’t worked for weeks and the dense shadows there provide the perfect place to park their get-a-way car. They drift into their hiding spot with only their parking lights. Having failed physical science, they all mistakenly believe that light from a smaller bulb wouldn’t reach the nearby neighborhood.
Bold words bolster their plan. “Just think guys, tomorrow morning Matt will get to school and everyone will be laughing at him. It’ll be great! And once the girls find out it was us, they’ll be all over us.”
Another speaks. “Yea, we’ll go down as legends, man. Hogan, do you have the camcorder?”
“Yea, it’s right here.” He looks out of the car window examining the darkened school. “What are the chances we’ll get caught? I mean I’d hate for anyone to find out.”
The miscreants sneak to the front of Audubon High School’s gym. Hogan steps into the parking lot and begins recording. The others take out their cans of neon spray paint. A hiss escapes the cans as they print out in large letters M-A-T-T I-S A D-O-D-O B-R-A-I-N 4-E-V-R.
The hooligans chuckle and snicker as they make their way back to their car. Matt will arrive at school tomorrow and suffer the humiliation that comes with being a dodo-head…because he is one.
Yet, there is a gap in the boy’s tactics. Memories are not enough. They want the ability to prove to anyone that they are the masterminds of the Dodo-Head graffiti. They want undeniable proof that it was them who bravely defaced public property. Oddly enough, that will also be the police’s goal.
The Oral of the Story: “Smart criminals keep the evidence in their pocket – Dumb criminals pin it to their chest.”
Allow me to provide a quick primer. I’m calling The Juvenile Miscreant’s Guide to Criminal Mischief.
Principle Number One: People can’t keep their mouths shut. Like a cold virus, you’ve got to expect each person involved in your little misdemeanor to tell AT LEAST two other friends. From there word will spread quickly. The writer’s of the Juvenile Miscreant’s Guide to Criminal Mischief recommend having only one close accomplice and not all of your peeps involved.
Principle Number Two: Borrow a family member’s car. When you tell your grandchildren tales of your misdeeds, the story gets much more interesting if you add in, “and the whole time we were in Uncle Frank’s pickup!” And when you do get busted won’t it be neat to share the legal problems with a member of the old family? A court room is a lonely place…bring your family! Just don’t open your Christmas gift this year.
Principle Number Three: Know your misdemeanors. There are folks out there that believe that knocking over a convenience store is a misdemeanor and holding up a bank is a felony. It makes sense to us too…but you’d be wrong. A good miscreant reads and reviews his state’s bylaws before his next action.
Principle Number Four: For Pete’s Sake, don’t video it!! This involves a bit of common sense. It’s easier to get by with something when no one saw you do it than when everyone can watching you do it from the comfort of their office chair.
July 27th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
I like the new website! The white part at the top makes it hard to read though….