Frank Zastaphol Interview
The walls are completely clad in small tapestries with red tassels, brass gongs the size of dinner plates, and Asian calendars featuring fattened Budas. Red velvet stuffed to bulging dimensions covers all the furniture. A stick of incense the thickness of a hot dog is smoldering in the corner causing the entire room to stink like cinnamon. Miss Nomer feels like she’s in the inside of a candy Red Hot.
A homely Asian man with a completely flat face waltzes into the room through a sliding door. He’s sporting fifteen birthmarks and a greasy looking Fu Manchu. On his head is a paper hat that looks like a Chinese lantern. He squints as he smiles.
Frank Zastaphol: “Ahhhh, Miss Nomer, good for you to visit.” ( He sits in the plush chair across from Miss Nomer. His robe glistens with million delighted sequins.) “Have you come seeking enlightenment, inner peace, or Chinese souvenirs?”
Miss Nomer: She begins setting up her tape recorder. “Well, do you have soapstone lions?” He nods. “Stuffed pandas?”
Frank Z.: “You bet. And don’t forget our weapon grade incense. It’s been proven to make even male dormitories smell sweet and refreshing.”
Miss N: “Bleach and Honeysuckle?”
Frank Z.: (Jots something on a memo pad.) “I’ll put you down for a value pack.”
Miss N: “Alright, let’s get started.” She punches the record button. “Greetings DodoEggs.com! This is your bare knuckled, rock overturning, special assignment reporter! I ask the questions you can’t study for! I find out what’s in the Special Sauce!”
Frank Z.: (Skews eyes) “Uh, it’s thousand island dressing.”
Miss N.: “I mean your special sauce.”
Frank Z.: “Uh, ok.” (Narrows eyes.)
Miss N.: “So you are the supplier of the fortunes in fortune cookies. Please describe the fortune creating process for us. What mystical forces do you tap into?”
Frank Z.: “Well normally I just listen to static. Sometimes I hear things. Daytime soap operas are good sources of the things people want out of life but why don’t you tell me. What do you think people are looking for in regards to good fortune?”
Miss N.: (Big smile) “Money, a better job, beauty, talent, friends, health, cold medications that work, and maybe straight teeth.”
Frank Z.: (Holds up memo pad. All of Miss Nomer’s requests are crammed onto the sloppy page.) “Here’s what I like to do. I call upon my fortune finger. (He holds up his right pinky.) “Now I’ll close my eyes and plant my finger on the pad. Whatever it lands on will be the subject of my next batch of fortunes.”
Miss N.: “Excuse me…you have a fortune finger?”
Frank Z.: “Yea, watch.” (He plants his finger on the memo pad. Instead of landing on Miss Nomer’s list it points to a half completed grocery list.) “Hmmmm, it appears fate has chosen frozen pizza snacks.” Pulls a small slip of paper out of this robe and begins writing on it. “Ok, how’s this?” (He begins writing.) “Life is like pizza pockets, it is best enjoyed spicy and hot.”
Miss N.: “That really doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.”
Frank Z.: (Shrugs) “I does if you follow the serving instructions on the box.”
Miss N.: “Are you sure that stuff you’re burning over there is incense?”
Frank Z.: (Waves her off.) “Fine, let’s get back to what people really want…money. What is it about money that people want?”
Miss N.: (Confused expression.) “Are you kidding me?”
Frank Z.: “Alright, here’s a good fortune.” (Opens palms toward the sky.) “A small change will put your face on coins. Get it?”
Miss N.: “Mr. Zastaphol, that’s not what people like about money. Besides, you have to be dead before they will put your likeness on money.”
Frank Z.: “Then that makes it the perfect fortune! It is your future…after you’re dead. Perfect!” (Leans back in chair.) “You know, it’s really something that fortune tellers can see major events coming but can never give a date…ever. You’d think just once we could say, ‘You will win the lottery on Tuesday.
“Heck, sometimes I even stick in false ones just for my own amusement. My favorite is, ‘You just won a million dollars!’ Then offer no information. That’s it. I can just see the confused looks on people’s faces.”
Miss N.: (Shakes fist.) “Ah Ha! Hard-hitting journalism pays off again! I got one of those and the waiter refused to give me my money. Now we know the truth!”
Frank Z.: (Panicked expression.) “Oh no. Look, let me throw in a couple of free fortunes and we’ll call it even. Um, ok, ‘A good idea is worth a thousand bad ones.’ And how about, ‘A gas station bathroom holds many surprises.’ ‘Plastic comes from cows!”
Miss N.: “Don’t even try to bribe me! This thing goes all the way to the top doesn’t it? Talk!”
Frank Z.: (Folds arms and turns his head.) “I have nothing else to say. This interview is over.”
July 2nd, 2009 at 9:36 am
Funny Matt. Elements rocks!! (play on words there… haha) I am hooked, cant stop reading it.