Dodo Eggs

Love has serious side effects.  That’s what they don’t tell you.  There are aches, pains, and obsessive thoughts that overcome you when a strong infatuation never comes to bloom.  All of us have stored enormous amounts of dreams in another hoping they are making a similar investment.  Juvenile love, of course, almost always fails and any strong feelings you have stored up come crashing on top of your head.  When this happens expect tears, ridiculous overtures, and angst ridden love letters.

When Melissa taught high school, she would sometimes run into these letters.  After all, who could concentrate on biology when your one true love is thinking about going to prom with someone else?  For some reason she kept one and I got a hold of it.

Hellooooooo, DodoEggs.com!!

Remember, this is an ACTUAL Letter.  We don’t know all the details (thankfully) but they aren’t necessary.  Just let the writer’s powerful torment overtake you.  My additions are in parenthesis otherwise it’s all Stephen. 

My Dearest Lori, 

For two years I have chased after you (even when you were chasing Eugene).  Unfortunately nothing became of it, but as I sit here waiting to leave for summer vacation and with college on the horizon I realized how much you really mean to me.  I have loved you for a long time (like, since puberty).  All the girls I dated never worked (made out with me), and now I can say I know why (acne).  In the back of my mind I was trying to make myself believe that I didn’t need you, which almost worked.  I know now that I do need you badly.  Too little, too late, huh?

Remember that wherever you end up you’ll always have me to turn to (I really, really, really like you!) for you and I it is too late I know that (not really but I want you to call me up and so this is the tactic I’m trying).  I couldn’t leave without saying this one way or another.

You know how you always said nothing seemed to bother me most of the time and how I always made you smile?  (If you didn’t say that you should have.)  Well, the only reason I acted that way was because I didn’t want you to know how scared and childlike I really was (you like men in diapers…I mean sensitive men right?).

You did something to me that I hate you for, you reminded me that I was weak about several things (spiders…cottage cheese…acne cream).  I can’t leave without asking the question that’s been on my mind for months so here goes…Could you have ever married a guy like me?  (Remember, I really, really like you.  Look, I can’t say it any stronger!)  I wanted so much to spend the rest of my life with you.  I will always love you (Call me now!).

When it gets dark in your world don’t be frightened.  Welcome the darkness, embrace it, for in the darkness is where I’ll be (I don’t even know what I’m talking about any more), watching, loving, and protecting you (but, you know, not in the stalker type of way).  Don’t fear the night, nor what lives therein for I’m there to protect you and give you light (unless you file a restraining order).

Love Stephen  That’s with a PH not a V you stupid she-devil!  (Ok, Matt added that last part.)

• Golden Balls
• Ask Dr. Pokorny
• Love’s Long Odds
• Is He the One?
• The Juvenile Miscreant’s Guide to Criminal Mischief