A Good Use for a Forked Tongue
Dateline: Last Tuesday give or take a few days.
I’m reading a tabloid in the checkout isle. I’m wearing a shirt and shoes but not pants! Take that corporate America! I’ve been asked to leave and refused. The store personnel have gone to fetch security so I’ve got a second to read the tabloids.
The only thing interrupting my reading are several spoiled toddlers screaming about the toy they didn’t get. Their parents are just standing beside the cart with that “the sex wasn’t even that good” look on their face.
Well, since their parents aren’t going to punish them I’ll have to. I can’t beat or fine them so that means giving them a psychological whooping. I turn to the nearest and say, “You’re the best your parents could afford. You should act better.”
Security is coming around the corner so I pull out an exclusive recent interview with Confucius (Did you know he’s been living at his mother’s house the whole time? Man, platitudes don’t pay like they used to.) and fold it over my naked bottom. They threw me out anyway but the tabloid is mine!
Outside I finished the article. I was smitten by the candor and eloquence of this ancient master thinker. Especially where he says, “Yea, this honesty with yourself and others…it’s all a load. Try this on for size, Confucius says…whatever he pleases, sucka.”
The man is a genius and he’s right to boot! Without even trying I thought of 10 situations where an outright lie is the best policy.
1) You’re visiting some friends who’ve just had a baby. The newborn looks too much like a hairless mole for your tastes. Heck, looking at the kid’s older siblings there won’t be too much improvement. So you say, “Awww, isn’t he adorable.”
2) Your boss approaches you in the office hall and hands you a copy of the business’s Internet policy. It includes no girly sites, hate sites (whatever those are), sports sites (but a quick peek just to check the scores won’t hurt), gaming sites (get to level 600 on your own time), and DodoEggs.com (unacceptable!!). So you say, “Yes sir, I use it for business purposes only.”
3) When at a guest’s house, don’t use the toilet in any meaningful way. But if you do and the toilet gets plugged, you say, “It was plugged when I got here.”
4) Men Only: Shoot, you’ve let your eyes tarry too long on the swimsuit magazines and your wife saw you. Try shrugging and saying, “You know honey, I’m really not into supermodels. They’re much too skinny.”
5) Women Only: Your husband has come in from mowing the lawn and he takes off his shirt. He whistles for your attention and “flexes.” Nod vigorously and say, “Hmmm, that hair on your back and the way your waist totes that thirty pounds of extra value meals…yea.”
6) Well, you’ve passed gas in a public place. Nice one. It’s perfectly acceptable to lie and say, “Uh, it was him.”
7) Someone you work with has a new tattoo, piercing (non-ear), brand, or off colored hair scheme. They want your opinion and you’d rather not give it. Society allows you to opt out by saying, “Wow, that’s really neat!”
8) The boy or girl that wants to date you has called again and asks if you’re interested. Telling him or her that you’re not interested seems harsh to you. No one will fault you if you reply, “I’m sorry, you have the wrong number.”
9) “The speed limit is WHAT? Officer, you can’t be serious. I had no idea.”
10) The old lady next door has brought you a steaming dish of fresh bricks…I mean brownies. They’re abrasive enough to get the scum off your bathtub or move 90% of your gum line. “Thanks, one things for sure, whenever I have kids they’ll love these!”
June 24th, 2009 at 8:33 am
I LOL’ed at this one Matt! I like to do this one, and just act like I didnt hear or smell anything: 6) Well, you’ve passed gas in a public place. Nice one. It’s perfectly acceptable to lie and say, “Uh, it was him.”