Don’t Regret What You Deserve
The scene: A psychiatrist’s office. Matt Teply is reclining on a plush leather sofa. His eyes wander the textured ceiling. Amidst the specks of ceiling paint he looks for shapes and faces. So far, he’s found three Virgin Marys and a Tyrannosaurs Rex.
A tall bald man with wire-rimmed glasses sits in a swivel chair taking notes on a legal pad. There’s a bowl of mixed nuts on a small end table. He appears to like nuts.
Shrink: Ok, let’s get started. (bumps up glasses with index finger) You’re here because you’ve lost patience with mankind. You explode into episodes of quiet mental torment whenever you hear certain phrases used. Hmmmm, quiet explosions, eh? This is fascinating. Tell me, what makes you think anyone cares what you think? Was it your mother? (rubs chin)
Matt: I kinda thought saying they were quiet explosions gave it a sleeping intensity…you know what I mean?
Shrink: No. (snaps his suspenders with his thumb) Ok, this may sound a bit radical but why don’t you go ahead and tell me about it.
Matt: (nods vigorously) Sure. People keep using phrases that absolutely drive me insane!
Shrink: Can you give me an example?
Matt: When someone begins a sentence with, “I deserve…” it really doesn’t matter what comes next I’m probably not going to like it. (lifts his hands toward the ceiling) I mean, what do we really deserve anyway? Is there a chart out there that shows which experiences or accomplishments result in you deserving this or that?
Shrink: (taps his gold plated pen against his memo pad and honestly believes he deserved platinum.) Matt, I suppose it’s a matter of personal estimation. It’s like rewarding yourself for a job well done.
Matt: Really? Should we allow folks to make judgments on their own work? Don’t you see a conflict of interest here? I mean Lil’Bling decides he deserves a two-week vacation because his rap album sold thirty-four million copies. How did he get that number? Did he not work hard enough for three weeks?
Shrink: What are you some sort of hater?
Matt: (flashing gang signs) Dude, I’m on the down low. But when you say, deserve something, your surgically removing any link to an important trait, gratitude. In other words, I deserve this so why should I be grateful to have it? (begins showing signs of anger) After all, I DESERVE THIS!
Shrink: All right, let’s just calm down. (looks at the clock and winces – there’s still a lot of time left) So, what do people deserve?
Matt: How should I know?! Considering the way many people in the world are forced to live you’d think everything we enjoy would be flavored with a pinch of gratitude, anything else just comes across as arrogant.
Shrink: Ok, this is something that is out of your control. What is in your control, especially after help from my prescription pad, is your anti-social, compulsively idealistic, psycho-sclerosis. (takes a walnut and cracks it open) Is there anything else that bothers you so?
Matt: (heavy sigh) Yes, I despise it when someone says, “I have no regrets” at the conclusion of something that obviously didn’t work out right. C’mon! Nobody passes a test and walks away saying, “I did my best. No regrets.” If everything had worked out perfectly, someone would never add, “No regrets.” I mean, am I wrong here?
If you messed up, then you should have regrets!! (fists are clenched) Small ones or big ones take your pick but I know they’re there!!
Shrink: Hmmm, this is a problem. (admires the grapevine he’s doodling across the top of his paper) You know there’s a forum for pointless harangues that my suit you perfectly. Have you ever considered blogging?
June 15th, 2009 at 8:39 am
This is very clever. I really enjoyed this. Dustin and I are both glad you added another dodo egg. Your fans have been waiting.
June 15th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
THANKYOU matt!!!& just under a shade of a decade