Dodo Eggs

Dear Doctor Pokorny,

My husband and I are going through a bit of a rough patch.  I have a hard time getting him to come home from work in time for supper.  We hardly ever talk anymore and when we do it seems to be on subjects that require no thought or commentary.  He never tells me what he’s thinking anymore!  I feel like we’re going apart.  We’ve had eleven good years and I’m hoping for many more.  Sometimes I cry myself to sleep with him snoring right beside me.

I’m cooking a meatloaf tonight (one of his favorites) and I need it to be good.  Can you help?

Sincerely, Mrs. Loser in Love and Loaf

 
Dear Loser,

I was in a restaurant recently for lunch and I ordered meatloaf.  My portion came out perfectly…the slice was geometrically perfect with ninety-degree corners so exact you cold use it as a brick.  The sauce was smooth on the meat as well as on the palette.  When I cut into it with my fork and the texture was even throughout just like…a can of Fancy Feast Cat Food! 

I studied the middle of that restaurant’s meatloaf looking for some difference between it and the Wild Boar flavor of my cat’s favorite food.  I failed!

By the patron saint of meat (Saint Butch or Cleaver; I can’t remember which), I implore that all meatloaves should be a chaotic medley of thick onions, beef that’s been more massaged than ground, palette jolting peppers, sandpaper coarse crackers, and cheese.  I decree that they should bend forks under their weight!  Good meatloaf should rampage through one’s digestive system like a run-a-way Mack truck with servings of tofu and humus lying dead on the sides of your intestines!

If you think about it, meatloaf is really the perfect food.  Just look at the recipe.

1) Six pounds of high fat ground beef  (Meat food group…check!)

2) Three sleeves of whole wheat (optional) seasoned crackers.  Use oats if you want to add hair to your chest.  (Grains!)

3) One whole red onion & one whole green pepper…and ketchup, lots and lots of ketchup  (Vegetables!)

4) One and a half pounds of cheese.  (I like cheese.  Don’t you?)

5)   A dozen eggs. (Vitamins?  Who knows, just add them)

Mix and bake until golden brown.  Serve.

If you need any additional advice, just let me know.
      Doctor Pokorny

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