Honorary Pomp
It’s one of my worst nightmares. I’m sitting in the middle of a large auditorium surrounded on every side by chattering, joking, and obnoxious middle school students. There are limited exits and if they wanted to, these uncouth hooligans could swallow me before reaching one. The throng is loud, rude, and out of dress code! And the worst of it…I am chained to my seat not by braided loops of iron but by a device far more sinister…I was at work.
The students and staff at Clownsworth Middle School are assembled to hear a special guest speaker. Information the faculty received boasted about Dr. Nancy Hooping-Blather. She was the mother of a famous athlete and she busied herself by touring as a motivational speaker. She wore the ever-professional female suit and was introduced by a stunning audio-visual presentation. (As soon as the tech folks at school could get it started for her…oops.)
“So,” I mumbled to the teacher beside me. “So, she keeps referring to herself as Doctor Hooping-Blather. But what is her degree in? Do you know?”
“Well, it’s an honorary degree.”
“And it’s supposed to carry as much weight as someone who’s actually earned their doctorate?”
“Yes, she’s Dr. Nancy Hooping-Blather. Didn’t you see her business cards and name tag?”
One of my eyes narrowed a bit perfecting the disgusted/discounting expression. “Then how about we call her Honorary Doctor and make it an abbreviation before her name like, say…Ho. Nancy?”
“That just won’t catch on.”
Dr. Hooping-Blather’s discourse on making proper choices and directing one’s life was good, but I was still stuck on the honorary degree. Afterward, I went to the good Doctor’s homepage to find out that other than her honorary degree, she’d never received anything other than her high school diploma! This needed to be addressed. Behold…
THE RULES FOR HONORARY DEGREES
Rule #1- Any honorary degree you receive only promotes you ONE level. In other words, if you have a bachelor’s the only honorary degree you can receive would be a master’s. If you have never set foot in a college classroom, then the generous institution may give you an honorary bachelor’s.
Rule #2- You may only receive ONE honorary degree during your lifetime.
Rule #3 (Just because) – You must write a five page paper (due before Spring Break) on why it is important for everyone to call those who’ve earned the highest degree to be called Doctor So-And-So.
May 20th, 2009 at 9:14 am
Excellent dissertation, Dr. Matt!
May 20th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
I love this line. “I am chained to my seat not by braided loops of iron but by a device far more sinister…I was at work.”
May 21st, 2009 at 8:35 pm
well in that case you can call me DR.SCHRO!@#$