Dodo Eggs

Attention All Registered, Card Carrying Vegetarians, here is a message from our Commissioner:

Which vegetable is the most important?

Put the sharpened carrot sticks down boys!  We don’t want anyone else to get hurt arguing which of our beloved vegetables is more important than another.  Remember, carrots are only good for the eyes if one isn’t stuck in your eyeball. 

To settle this raging debate, I have convened a summit to determine the authoritative pecking order of all our leafy friends.  We have included information about each one that helped us come to our decisions.  Rest assured, all members of the committee were screened using the most rigorous of standards.  Each selecting member is thoroughly trained in dangerous juicing combinations, has read the manual to their Salad Shooter at least three times cover to cover, and rejects ranch dressing.

After weeks of careful study and furious debate, we now present the end-all ranking of important vegetables.   

#26 & #27 Beets and Parsnips- You don’t know the difference and neither do we. 

#25 Radishes- Death wish with a root.  Often mistaken for being edible.

#24 Turnips- Root vegetable that will grow in cold climates after the warm ones kicked it out.

#23 Rutabagas- A cross between cabbages and turnips that was attempted after oranges and strawberries refused to hybrid.  Oops.

#22 Leek- The national vegetable of Wales, which is supposed to be important.  Also of note:  it rhymes with Greek, peek, and reek.

#21 Brussels Sprouts- Traditionally eaten with Christmas dinner in the UK and the YUCK.

#20 Collards- This leafy, green vegetable is rich in vitamins and minerals.  Couple with grilled raccoon for an ethnic favorite. 

#19 Artichoke- A tight head of fleshy leaves.  It’s very tasty with lemon butter and a clip over your nose.

#18 Asparagus- Tender green tips that can be raised in a shortened growing season.   Voted MVP of the all-vegetable basketball league after Celery went down with a season ending injury less successful on people’s plates.

#17 Eggplant- Our panel recommends breading thick slices and disguising it as a hamburger.  A great way to convert your meat-eating barbarian friends!  They won’t know the difference!

#16 Okra- The only recognizable ingredient in good gumbo…unless you count the pig’s feet.

#15 Spinach- Rumor that it causes severe swelling in forearms is untrue.

#14 Cabbage-Main ingredient in the German staple… sour krap. 

#13 Celery- Famous for burning more calories than it provides, which means the partially hydrogenated peanut butter is OK!

#12 Peas-Wanted to make the top ten but its communal, hippy, utopian upbringing bothered the judges.  That, and smothering them with cheese doesn’t seem to help at all.  

#11 Cucumbers- This vegetable is common in salads, grows quickly, but likes to hang around dill weeds. 

#10 Broccoli and Cauliflower- Only edible when covered in cheese.  Little known fact:  in Venezuela children are told they are baby trees. 

#9 Yams- The mild-mannered, alter ego of the vegetable super hero Sweet Potato. 

#8 Lettuce-It’s big secret is that it has almost no nutritional value. Covering it in ranch is paramount to a diet soda and large fries.  Place a large leaf on your tongue then eat it without using hand or utensil…you’ll feel like a dinosaur, Vegosaurus Rex!  

#7 Carrots- Introduced by the Romans because we were to shy to approach it ourselves.  Convenient narrow end indicates which end should be eaten first.

#6 Peppers, Green or Otherwise- Like a Latino gang, most seem mild but eventually you will mess with the wrong one.  Babylonian women would shove them into the eyes of overly amorous men to protect themselves.  Hammurabi’s first law was to prohibit this practice.

#5 Beans- High in protein and Vitamin F.  The entire bean family has filed a libel suit against school kids for a reputation marred by flatulent comments and mean-spirited nursery rhymes.

#4 Onions- While off limits while you’re dating, this is one of the perks of getting married and not caring anymore.

#3 Corn- A vegetable still pissed about the fact that candy corn tastes like wax.  If you call it maize, it will try and fight you.

#2 Tomato- While technically a fruit, it knew it couldn’t compete with oranges and strawberries so it switched leagues. It broke from the highly successful Vegetable Soup to try a solo soup career.

#1 Potato- What everyone’s referring to when they say, “Yea, I like vegetables.”  From fried, to mashed, and to baked…if a big bowl isn’t present at most meals you’ll be beaten, whipped, or mashed. 

Also, please don’t forget that “I’m Pro-Vegetable and I Vote!” bumper stickers are still available.  They’re ten dollars a piece and we need to get rid of them.

       - Your Commissioner

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