Dodo Eggs

The power button is depressed and I wait for the electricity to warm the CPU’s achy components.

Yesterday, my 486 microprocessor and I celebrated the machine’s 412th birthday (in computer years). The party was going well until my Casio calculator-watch began making fun of the computer’s short processor. Some hurtful digits were displayed and the party was quickly powered down.

The screen blinks then lights. “Ok, here we go. Another dodo egg coming up.”

My bout with higher education was largely composed of two things: portfolios (collections of activities, lesson plans, and big ideas) and term papers (high-minded affairs with a lean toward research). By a wide margin, the term paper was my favorite simply because it could be COMPLETELY fabricated from right there in my dorm room. I wrote a dozen papers on educational topics such as “Parents Who Sniff Salt, the Abuses of Condiments, and Its Effects on Low Income Students”   (B-), “Fireproofing Your Ceiling / Great Lesson Introductions Using Real Fireworks!” (D), and “It’s OK to be Stupid as Long as You Turn Your Work In.” (A+)

The interesting thing about all these research papers was that the entire bibliography and source material was ENTIRELY MADE UP. For nearly every paper I wrote, I quoted myself. There were no hours wasted at the library checking out long-winded books on educational nonsense. I made up all the experts such as: Dr. Reggie Habbot of Monmouth University, Professor Francis Winston from the Institute of Yorktown, and how could I neglect to quote Robert Swinly of the Seamore Institution. The funny thing was…all these experts agreed with me!

Look, don’t give me any flack! The library was always closed during the late night hours before a due date and I didn’t have access to the Internet. What else was I supposed to do? The late night and wee morning hours are EXACTLY when a college library should be open. Who’s at the library at ten o’clock on a Saturday morning? (No one) Who would be at the library at ten o’clock on a Sunday night? (Everyone)

The results? My papers had the intellectual weight of clouds but read sweet like cotton candy. I was never questioned and because my source was original, I was never caught in the net of plagiarism.

I ended up calling these expertly written sources and the papers they were plugged into, Dodo Eggs. It just seemed like the right thing to call these imaginary bits of wisdom. Now I call almost everything I write a Dodo Egg.

Here are a few examples…

• Laying A Dodo Egg
• Earning an F
• Stockholder’s Statement – 2008
• Male Studies – Letter 8
• DumbKnuckle – Lesson 5