Male Studies Letter 14
From the Desk of Norm Deplume
Voted – “Most Likely to Talk Himself to Sleep” / Dakota’s University’s Student Senate (2009)
Lead Lobbyist – House Bill #8642 “The Next Best Thing Act” / Requires all purchased loaves of bread to have an even number of slices which relieves citizens from having to use the end pieces.
Most Consistent Winner – Gold Syllabus Award / Student given recognition to any Dakota University faculty member who includes the language, “Sporadic attendance = 65% of Grade” in their syllabus.
To My Fellow Colleagues in Left Field,
We have been forced to prematurely close our study of the maladjusted, misappropriated young male. Our subjects Binko (Lead guitar of the band Fecal Stain / short, with long hair, and the state’s largest concentration of black T-shirts) and Zits (Works in fast food industry/ Spends most waking hours playing World of Dorkcraft, lacks personality, has problematic acne) have exited the program. I should also mention that my funding was pulled, but whatever.
My graduate assistant and I had equipped their dorm room with the best surveillance equipment we could contract through Radio Shed. (We lost our receipts so if your interested in a few gently used RC cars we could probably work out a deal. Contact La’Shawn-esha at Dakota University’s Bursar Office. 701-225-8600)
The statistics bear out our valuable findings…
*Zits and Binko had a body odor mass index of .8 parts per thousands nearly 57% of the time. This would create a nasally discernable perimeter of almost five feet!
This data contrasts profoundly with Ricky Machismo (a well-circulated male, very popular with the “floosy” demographic) whose body odor mass index was completely overwhelmed by the application of cologne “Romantic URGE.” When we measured its concentration, it registered an astounding 32 parts per thousand or an amazing 3% of his total bodily mass! Astounding!
*Also of note was the distinct lack of a “bump” in Binko’s Social Standing Measurement after mentioning, “Yea, I’m in a band.” These words usually raised female approval rating by 35%. However Binko often failed to follow up this advance with other strong traits such as being tall (84.9% increased approval), being fashionable (51% increased approval), good looking (99% increased approval), or having a car (99.999% increased approval). The name, “Fecal Stain” created a generally unenthusiastic response as well.
Thusly, we now understand that being good looking and owning a car corresponds strongly with success with the opposite gender!
*Another amazing find was the human body’s ability to synthesize useful materials from the nutritionally void foodstuffs Binko and Zits consumed. Their bodies were able to split water from the only fluids they ever ingested: energy drinks (43% of total) and sodas (57% of total). The water needed for continued function is at least 12 fluid cups per day (even at their stunningly low activity levels). These quantities did not exist in the fluids they drank thusly we can only assume their bodies absorbed water while they showered. But that raises another question…
From the partially hydrogenated oils they took in from such bountiful sources as chips, snack cakes, and other super-saturated fats, their bodies began creating a new vitamin! We have titled it vitamin X. In tissue samples we took while both were in deepest sleep (usually 11:30 AM), we found this recently discovered vitamin being used as a HUMAN DUCT TAPE over damaged cells. We don’t know what the long-term effects of vitamin X are, but as long as they don’t try to do too much it should hold.
About Binko and Zits…
After discovering the secret identify of the Greasy Arches “secret sauce,” Zits was suddenly and dramatically promoted to Liaison of Franchise Supervision. Without need of a degree, he immediately dropped out of school. The next day he married Az-Ra-KaKa inside the online World of Dorkcraft. They are expecting their fist online, fully digital child sometime in June as long as a dragon doesn’t eat Az-Ra-KaKa. (They are hopping for a boy with 16 agility and 21 strength.)
Binko flunked out of college. During our last recorded contact, he was working at a tattoo parlor as a tester. Testers offer parts of their own hide to high-end, prospective clients who want to see how a tattoo will look before they actually get it done. The pay was considerably more than Binko was making with his band but the career’s future looked grim after Binko began running out of available skin. His current whereabouts are unknown (probably his parent’s house).
In conclusion…
With the loss of our subjects and funding, the research was brought to a premature conclusion. That’s ok, because I had a good time and I’ve made friends that will last a lifetime. I want to thank my mom and dad for always believing in me then smiling politely when it was obvious I wouldn’t.
Besides, I just wanted to see how much grant money I could blow through before someone turned off the tap. Grand total: $63,236.23! I’ll be teaching Early American Literature 4500 next semester. If you want to sign up and hear me tell you how to abuse the system, come on. The test questions will be the same as the study, in order and wording. 65% of your grade is based on sporadic attendance.