Stupidity Made Easy
Foresyth Says,
“There are an infinite number of good ideas and twice as many bad ones.”
How often have you let your mind off its leash and the first place it wanders is the dung it dropped years ago? You cringe as you think over the ridiculous idea you had and how badly it played out. What you did or said cast you in the worst light possible. You want to imagine that it was unavoidable or just bad luck. You’d like to forget, but that won’t happen. So off your mind goes…right back to sticking it’s nose into the big pile of doo doo and all you can do is squint.
My example goes back to when Melissa and I were first married. We were on vacation with family members and close friends visiting an outlet mall in Florida. You may think a mall is a terrible place to waste time on your vacation and you’d be right. Time oozed by and before I realized it, I was on complete autopilot. I shuffled after our group this way and shuffled after them that way.
Where I regained consciousness was the Ralph Lauren Outlet Store. Its multiple bargains were stylishly accented with understated placards reading “Over Here Sucka.”
My herd wandered over to the clearance racks but I chose another path. I’d been in the market for an attaché case with a hammer-swigging horseman on it and I figured this would be the best place.
“Ah a pair of thick corduroy summer shorts with extra inner material to soak up the extra sweat. Oh my, a hand loop for my claw hammer or do I hang my sunglasses there? Is that a strip of pastel plaid sewn along the inside?! Where is…wait, there it is. The little man on horseback stitched right along the flap that covers the zipper.”
My hand flails about looking for a price tag. “I’m going to say a garment of this style and quality is probably worth twelve bucks.” I find the price tag. “Shoot! Thirty-four dollars with a five percent discount. Hmmmm.”
I studied the tag in my hand a bit longer. It was a thick, sturdy paperboard with a high gloss finish over foil logo and script. A short piece of braided, moss colored rope secured the tag to one of the belt loops. And it had a tassel! There it was, a small tassel hung from the length of rope.
“Darn! I’ll bet the tag cost almost as much as this stupid pair of pretty boy shorts did.”
Then it struck me. A plot so cleaver and so diabolical it could keep me entertained in any mall in the country! “I’ll steal the tag! What a great idea! I’ll collect them! Let’s see, there’s an infinite variety and they can be easily displayed or pasted into a keepsake book. I’m sure I’m the first person to ever come up with such a clever pastime.”
I looked over at my party. They were picking through the racks of clearance items like buzzards over a dead zebra.
“Go ahead ladies! Take your time! I’ve got a whole new pastime to get underway with.”
I used my peripheral vision to scan the area around me. Turning my head to look would give my malintent away as it does my note-passing seventh graders. Then, with only a quick pull, I broke the thin, decorative rope and slid it into my pocket. (I would knot the ends later to make sure I didn’t loose the all-important tassel.)
With the ease of a gentle breeze, I walked through Ralph’s store pilfering tag after tag. I could feel my heart beating with the all-powerful thrill of a near-misdemeanor! The tags burned along my leg and caused my body temperature to rise. Was I stress sweating?
Then I noticed a man in a white button up push through the backroom doors. I didn’t know his first or last name but I’m sure his middle name was LongTimeAssistantStoreManager. His expression was stern and chiseled with purpose. There was evil a-foot.
Melissa looked over at me and called, “Matt, are you ready to go?”
Was she being sarcastic? Was she trying to give me away? It didn’t matter. I slid along the outside wall and out the entrance to the store, in only a few more seconds I’d be home free.
As we all strolled past the kiosk selling obnoxious ties, Melissa looked at me and asked, “So, you seemed pretty busy in there. What were you doing over in the women’s blouses?”
“Oh, something stupid.”
March 16th, 2009 at 7:27 pm
hahaha thats good, do you still have those?
March 19th, 2009 at 10:59 am
haha nice.