Dodo Eggs

February 13th, 2009-  I work a second job as a lifeguard with the Parks and Recreation Department here in Middle Tennessee.  Guarding is without a doubt the best second job you could hope to secure.  Who could argue with flexible hours, free gym access (both pools are housed with fitness centers), plenty of down time, and the endless people watching?

Most patrons come and go without showing enough significance to leave an inscription my memory.  The faces of the regulars I remember.  (Especially the “Walrus Crew” other wise known as Shallow Aerobics.)

Last Friday a child approached the stand complaining about another boy hitting him.  I hadn’t seen anything so I told him I’d keep a look out.  A second later, the mother approaches me and says, “Yea, that boy over there in the black shorts just pushed junior again.”

Juvenile conflict resolution isn’t listed on my official duties but I decided to go ahead and call the offending child over.  I blew the whistle and he ignored me.  I blew again and he only glanced my direction.

“One more and if I don’t get the proper response bozo here is gone.”

After the third whistle, the boy (possibly eight or nine) stomped up.  The expression on his face was a mask of hostility.  Before I could get a word out, he began pleading his case by shouting.

I interrupted him. “Go take a chair.  You’ve got ten.”  (The dirty secret?  That’s about all a lifeguard has at his or her disposal…time out.  That’s dropping the hammer.  After that we “ask” them to go.)

AngryPants (That’s what I’m going to call him ok?  Good.) kicks the water a bit then sits directly in front of me.  His feet are still in the water.

“Son, that’s a chair over there!”

This time AngryPants gets up and marches over to a chair.  On the way, he begins BITING HIMSELF on the arm!  Uh-oh.  We’ve got a broken kid on our hands and I still don’t know where mom is hiding.

I didn’t have to wait long before AngryPants let me know where his mom was.  He leaped out of his chair and showed off a bit more stomping as he moved to the tables only six feet behind my stand.  I needed to know where he was headed so I turned around.  There was AngryPants screaming in the face of this haggard looking woman at the top of his lungs.  The pool has a water fort that makes a ton of noise so I couldn’t make out what he was saying but it was something akin to, “I’M BEING PERSECTUED AND WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT!”

I can’t stress this enough.  The kid was yelling at his mother like a drill sergeant immediately after a recruit urinates on his boots.  It was brutal, jaw open, full-throated shouting. 

Soon enough, mom approaches me, “What happened?”

“Ma’am, some of the other patrons were complaining about your child hitting the other children and when I called him over he ignored me.  He’s obviously a little too angry and needs to cool it for a few minutes.  (There was ZERO chance of me letting his kid back in the water until I had exacted some form of vengeance.  If his mom wasn’t going to work him over then I would do what I could get away with.)   

“Oh, he’s done swimming.  I just wanted to know what he did and how to punish him.”

I nodded but on the inside I mumbled, “Yea, right.”

I knew that within two minutes of me getting off the stand that kid would be back in the water.  If I had a million dollars to put on it, I wouldn’t have thought twice.

Ten minutes passed and I switched out you can guess what happened…From my perch in the office I saw the child swim another hour with his mother’s beak buried again the book.

I see lesser examples of children ignoring parents all the time this was just the most extreme example.  The question is…Why are adults scared of disciplining children when it’s so obvious they’re testing you?

Got an answer?

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