Dodo Eggs

Part 1 – My brothers and I were driving down a North Alabama highway with small groups of trees pushing toward the sky alongside tall bulletin boards.  The dirty structures of small businesses were planted every few hundred yards breaking the landscape on either side.  The auto body shops and small hardware stores sat about like the pulled entrails of some scattered municipality.

“So where it the Lactose Queen anyway?  I’m really looking forward to that delicious blend of smooth, cold soft serve and delicious chocolate bits.”

Nate turned down the assaulting sounds of his Christian heavy metal.  “People in the back seat aren’t allowed to talk.”

A second later the music returned to its previous volume and I was left to the landscape again.  I began reading the billboards accepting the messages of beer induced good times and overeager bail bondsmen (it’s nice that some people can get all the information they need in life neatly plastered to the sky).

And yet, one billboard confused me completely.  It had a yellow background with a T-shirt to one side and…well…I couldn’t read the rest!  As our vehicle approached, I had a long opportunity to study it and could in no way shape or form make out what it was saying.  Someone was investing ad dollars and put up something that could not be read!  

Let’s hope he was trying to sell to birds.

Part 2- If I could make one suggestion to cereal makers it would be…Frosted Bran Flakes!  What’s the draw back?  It seems like the perfect approach.  Real, honest bran flakes with all the nutrition and fiber complimented with a slight dabbing of sugar.

Toni the Tiger has made frosted corn flakes into an institution.  Why not crank it up a notch?  Listen, if breakfast burritos (If you’ve ever eaten one, I have bad news.  You’ve hit rock bottom.) can find a niche then bran flakes should be a hit!  Maybe the mascot could be a stern looking medical doctor wearing a red nose and rainbow colored wig.

I’m just kidding.  When I was in college, the Kroger chain of grocery stores carried a generic version of frosted bran flakes.  They were better than mom’s homemade yeast rolls hitting your tongue while driving an inherited luxury car in route to your wedding.  They were grrrrrrrand!  I liked them so much that I bought up the last few boxes Kroger had and ate them even after finding small flies near the bottom.  Well…I ate most of it.  The flies were dead after all.

Can I have some more, please?

Part 3- I coached middle school football for four years as a condition for getting a teaching position.  Except for walking into a middle school locker room (a biological hazard on so many levels…listen, just throw the bleach and run) and the evening hours involved, I didn’t mind doing it. 

Normally, a side effect of putting on football pads is an over inflated sense of toughness but that isn’t always the case.

After a scrimmage with one of our school’s rivals, the team marched back to the bus for the return trip.  I leaped triumphantly up the steps and gave my team the best Macarthur impression I could conjure.

Then one of my running backs looked me with a face covered in dust and grime and asked, “Hey coach, do you have any lotion?”

“Say what?”

• He’s Not Sane, He’s My Brother
• Mr. Big
• The Way of the Dodo
• Necessary Downsizing
• Good Egg & Bad Egg #7