Pokorny Letter – Zimmerman Letter
My name is Thomas Zimmerman and I’m the dessert chef at one of the fancier restaurants in my hometown. I’m very good at what I do which means I have a real hard time keeping my fingers out of my work. I’ll whip up some perfectly fluffed cream for a batch of gourmet éclairs and I’m constantly dragging two fingers through the middle of it. Bread pudding, cheesecake, baklava…It doesn’t matter; I’m eating some of it!
The health department doesn’t know anything about this so keep it on the “down low.”
You might think that I weight about three hundred pounds but that’s where you’re wrong. I spend a lot of time on the treadmill at the local gym working to keep off the weight. It seems to be working. In fact, I think I’ve even become smaller, more nimble.
So here’s where things become interesting. I was mowing my lawn one day when this small Asian man comes shuffling down the sidewalk. He’s wearing a long, red, silk robe and even has the long Fu Manchu beard going on. He stops on the sidewalk in front of my house and gives me this strange look. Before I know it, he’s throwing small pebbles at me. They’re not thrown very hard but they still sting a bit.
I start dodging them. Left! Right! Pretty soon, I’m like dodging every one! The old man cant’ hit me anymore! It was so cool!
When I finish mowing, he comes up to me and tells me I have all the tools to be a world-class ninja. He told me he’s never seen anyone sidestep rocks like that before! Apparently, I began looking like some sort of blur.
The old man told me that I could sign up for a six-week ninja class for only $62.99 and that normally he charges about a thousand dollars? He’s only given me one week to make up my mind. Look, he was short, wore silk, had little sandals, and carried a walking stick. I think he’s legit.
What do you think? (Professional Ninjas make about $220,000 a year! And once you figure out throwing stars and climbing drain pipes, the rest is all black underwear!)
Normally I omit the proper names of those who write me but just in case someone from the Health Department is reading this advise column I’ll include yours. The spoon licking, hand dipping pastry chef is THOMAS ZIMMERMAN. The return address on his letter was 1435 Main Street in Las Vegas, Nevada.
About the ninja school, HECK YEA! I can’t think of anything cooler than throwing sharpened coasters at men with semiautomatic pistols! And did you know that numb-chucks got their name because of what happens when you accidentally hit yourself in the ying and yang? AWESOME!
Also, you can sneak into the bedrooms of the neighborhood kids and scare them out of their flannel pajamas! At least until their parents get an alarm system, large dog, windows that lock, or their father shoots you dead.
Just make sure you get a receipt from the old man. You can take some educational expenses off on your taxes. The outfit also makes a great Halloween costume just be sure none of the kids get their hands on your throwing stars while your handing out candy.
Yours truly,
Dr. Pokorny
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