Dear Doctor Pokorny – Smith Letter
Dear Doctor Pokorny,
Hi! How are you? I am fine. Anyway, I’m currently sitting in a hospital room with my newborn baby and they won’t discharge me from the hospital until I’ve chosen a name for him. I want it to be a unique name that sets my child apart as the special child I know he really is. Sam, Roy, or Jamal Smith seem so stale to me and I’m flirting with Funtae Smith. The name means someone who likes to have a good time. I’ll bet no one else will ever have the name Funtae! What do you think?
Thanks.
Undecidia Smith
Dear Mrs. Smith,
I apologize for the lengthy wait between receiving your letter and my response. I needed to show your question around the office and get a little feedback on your selection of the moniker Funtae. The reaction generally went something like this …
“What? I don’t get it. (12 times)”
“You’re kidding me. (11 times)”
“What box of cereal did that come from? (2 times)”
“Oh that poor, poor child. (females)”
“Hey, that’s the Russian word for barstool! (Eugene)”
Remember, names are a little like sweaters. Sure, you can knit one that’s homemade and unique but EVERYONE will be able to tell when one sleeve doesn’t go as far as the other or the strips turn into more of a zig-zag.
Please don’t crowd out your son’s achievements by forcing him to head his resume with the name Funtae. A name should add distinction and not cause distraction. There is an absolute chance that perspective employers will go no further.
Mrs. Smith … remember that while you have a legal responsibility to care for your child, there is no requirement for you child to love you in return. In a purely professional sense, I like you less and less each time my eyes skip across such a stupid name. You would do much less damage to your child’s future by naming him Tracie, Kelly, or even Sue.
And this is from someone who knows a thing or two about stupid names.
Sincerely,
Dr. Doctor Pokorny
NOTE TO READERS: The name Funtae was NOT just conjured out of mid-air (at least by me). It was the name of one of the babies I saw in the hospital nursery. No joke.
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:14 pm
hahahahahah really?! Funtae. If thats his name he is going to need a word pronouncer behind it at all times. Like so (fuu-nh-tay) Ask mom about Presshouse sometime. Mom was substitute teaching once and Presshouse was a childs name. She read it aloud to the class just like it says press-house. And the whole class started laughing… turned out the little girls name was suppose to be pronounced – precious. Thats a true story.
January 23rd, 2009 at 9:21 pm
that was awesome. one of your best posts I dare say. I really enjoy these kind of posts
January 24th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
how can this at all be a real name…