Keep Your Pennies … These Are Defective Thoughts
Here’s a few random thoughts to keep your week moving in the right direction and since time travels in only one direction you really don’t have much of a choice. Look, just keep reading….
Item #1 – Oreo Cookies
The rule is simple. Store bought cookies are NEVER as good as the homemade counterpart. They’re never as fresh. They don’t fill your heart with love or your mind with memories. Come to think of it, Grandma’s cookies make Nestle Toll House look like a Haitian brothel.
There’s no denying that cookies born from Grandma’s oven each have a distinctive look. You know every precious morsel is an individual creation coming from an oh-too limited batch. You would throw away a store bought cookie that looked too real but the varied lumps and edges on a homemade cookie mark each as a separate masterpiece.
But when the love is pulled from the recipe you get a bag of Chips Ahoy. The cookies are mysteriously the same shape, color, and size. And when you eat too many you don’t get sick satisfaction you just wind up sick.
The rule doesn’t apply to Oreos. There simply is no homemade version. Nothing grandma ever made properly competes. Grandma’s cookies may be as good but their not the same unique chocolate cake / pure sweet flavor. Oh yea, and nothing Grandma ever made “unscrews.” How can an unfeeling, monolithic plant create such delicious confections while the loving and skilled hands of grandmothers lie helpless? Are they made from alien technology? Is black magic involved?
Item #2 – Flannel Shirts
I really thought these things were out. I do know you can’t unbutton them and leave the shirt tales out anymore. I received a cease and desist order from my wife a few years back.
Anyway, I really don’t care I’m going to wear them anyway. It’s the same attitude old folks have when they wear those ridiculous looking “blinders.” You know, those are the sunglasses that wrap almost complexly around their frontal lobe. It’s a shame they don’t realize that the glasses contain an electrode designed to stimulate the part of the brain that controls their right foot. (Attention, mission control: It doesn’t seem to be working.)
Right, I was discussing flannel shirts.
Half the casual shirts I have are flannels and all would be perfect wear for your local lumberman. Sprinkle a little sawdust on the shoulder and trees would lean away. The part that bothers me a bit is that each Sunday during the winter months I come within a pair of suspenders and stocking cap from being a Halloween costume.
Item #3 – “Family” Attorneys Take Anther Step Closer To Being Vampires
I’m driving to work the other day with the radio pumping its usual nonsense. Most of the time I’m not paying it any attention. I like to imagine an advertising executive out there pulling his hair out because I’m not swayed or even listening to his “Wholesale Direct prices” or his “Once in a Lifetime Sale!” I miss a lot of unbelievable opportunities.
Anyway, my attention was yanked by a the sound of an arguing couple then an ominous voice saying, “Let’s face it. Some things are just broke and cannot be fixed. When you need a divorce, contact the law offices of Bloodsuck & Sadist.”
Really that’s not the worst of it. The advertisement ends the narrator saying, “Make a fresh start in the new year.” Followed by the couple’s male voice saying, “It’s time, I’m getting a divorce.”
They made it sound as if breaking up a family was one part New Year’s resolution and one part gym membership! I checked the Big Book of Common Tact and there are approximately 3,452 other ways for a law office to advertise its services without helping people make such a destructive decision.
January 23rd, 2009 at 9:27 pm
exellent matt. I had some homemade oreos once. they were great but they didnt taste anything like an oreo. you just cant touch the mighty O