Ask Dr. Pokorny

by Matt Teply on January 6th, 2009

Dear Dr. Pokorny,

Thanks for reading my letter. I’m a college guy who is just about ready to graduate. I’ve been working to pay off school and haven’t really dated a whole lot but I’m ready for a serious relationship! What this means is that I really don’t want to waste time and money with women who really aren’t compatible. But it’s really hard to tell what’s in a girl’s head with all that hair. It’s difficult enough to tell what she might really look like under a lot of make-up.

 

Here’s the way I think…if you’re not the mother of my children then why in the world would I want to blow $15 at a restaurant on you and if you’re not the one who will be picking out my coffin then why would I want to burn precious gasoline by picking you up? What’s the point in squandering useless resources on girls who aren’t the one? Am I right?
Thanks for your advice,

Fiscally Sensitive

Dear Tightwad,

Normally I read through a letter two or three times to get a feel for the writer’s question, tone, and state-of-mind. Yours took only one read and I knew there was a huge problem and it isn’t with the women of the world.

What your asking amounts to a golfer saying, “You know, the ball’s going in the hole eventually and why would I waste swings on getting it there when one good one will do the job. I think I’ll just shoot a hole-in-one.”

Yes, everyone wants to make it on that first shot but it really doesn’t work that way. (If you’ve ever dated a sand trap you know what I mean. Wink, wink.) You’ll just have to take you swings, replace your divots, and keep a steady grip on your club.

And if you didn’t like that advice try this…run each of your dates through an obstacle course of questions to begin each date! That way you can abort the date (order only appetizers then tell her you need to wash your hair) if it’s obvious she isn’t the one!

The next time you take a girl out to a restaurant start by pulling out a sheet of paper and ask her the following questions. This handy survey covers all the sticky issues that successful spouses usually have in common.

1. In six hundred words or less, please explain your political affiliations and what party line (if any) you usually tow?
2. Is there a God? Be specific. If yes, how do you relate to this Supreme Being?
3. All families have dysfunctions. What are the pitfalls I may have to deal with as your future spouse? Give examples such as manipulative mother, mooching siblings, or cousins that will call and ask for bail.
4. Being concerned about the genetic health of my posterity, what were (are) the ages of your grandparents and what did they (probably will) die from? Is there strong male pattern baldness in you family? Is there any history of dementia?
5. Have you ever been incarcerated? If yes, for how long and did you get any tattoos?
6. Do you like spending too much money? Do you ever use the phrase, “I deserve this.”
7. Does your definition of cooking involve a microwave?
8. Do you think I’m HOT? If so, how many other men do you find equally HOT?

Anyway, if she answers these questions to your satisfaction, you’re in love! Good luck making up for the rotten start of your first date! You can rest assured she’ll be telling the story on her 50th wedding anniversary (with you or with someone else).

Dr. Doctor Pokorny

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Posted in Ask Doctor Pokorny | 3 Comments »

3 Responses to “Ask Dr. Pokorny”

  1. Josie Says:
    January 6th, 2009 at 9:19 am

    This is good. Can I write to Dr. Pokorny? He seems wise.

  2. Melissa Says:
    January 6th, 2009 at 7:22 pm

    For those that we know that followed this protocol…I am still surprised they got passed the first date!!!!!

  3. Jake the Teply Says:
    January 13th, 2009 at 5:46 pm

    I just write these questionairs out then pass them to moderatly attractive females. if they are intrested they can RSVP. so far I havent gotten a call back.

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