Interview with Matt Smith
Miss Nomar: Hello eager readers. I am Miss Nomar your ace correspondent to the world famous DodoEggs.com website. I routinely bring you the fascinating personalities that you crave. So when your neighbors finally remember to start closing their blinds, check me out instead. I ask the hard, semi-permeable, and ridiculously porous questions others in my profession fail to ask.
Today I am sitting across from the architect of America’s most obvious conspiracies. He is the creator of the world’s most infamous advertising campaign, which incidentally, has cost his company almost nothing. He is the founder and CEO of Ka-Boom Cereal Company. His company makes one of the most popular cereals on the market to day, Rainbow Crunch. Introducing Matthew Smith.
Matt Smith: Hello, thank you Miss Nomar it’s really crunchy being here.
Miss Nomar: Crunchy?
Matt Smith: (makes an open palm gesture, as if pulling Miss Nomar towards him) That’s right, crunchy. As in, I’m crunchy…you’re crunchy…he, she, it is crunchy. Come on, the conjugation isn’t that hard.
And hey, have you ever heard of slang. Use context clues baby, I haven’t got all day.
Miss Nomar: (cross look on her face) Oh, you mean the sound your neck will make if you feed me anymore sarcasm. Now, why are you using crunchy?
Matt Smith: (looks aside for a second, pretending not to be fazed by Miss Nomar’s threat) Well ok, it has everything to do with our plan to revolutionize the breakfast eating experience. People have come to associate cold cereal with having a long day or lacking enthusiasm. At Ka-Boom Cereal, we patently reject the idea that cold cereal means Monday or Tuesday or any day that nobody likes.
One way we do this is by including prizes in our products that young people might enjoy. Such as new slang words to try out with you friends. Using crunchy for anything cool was one of our company’s innovations. You can also thank us for new uses of the words “lumpy,” “crotch rocket,” and my personal fave “adios.”
Miss Nomar: Adios is not a slang word it’s Spanish.
Matt Smith: Miss Nomar, you’re not being crunchy at all. (Begins flashing gang symbols) Don’t make me go crotch rocket on you! If’n you ain’t lumpy than you just adios. Feel me. (Outstretches his arm to Miss Nomar and flexes his bicep.) No, really, feel me.
Miss Nomar: (Pokes Matt’s arm with the eraser end of her pencil.) Let’s wander back to your company’s success with Rainbow Crunch. Everyone knows why the cereal is so successful, it cannot be an accident, and yet your company consistently denies knowing any thing about it.
Matt Smith: It’s no mystery. You see, Rainbow Crunch is fortified with everything you need to be a more active you. We use the finest Bavarian hops, barley, corn syrup, and other grains known for a rich, robust flavor. Our additives aren’t made in foreign countries either. Heck, with the guidance of a professional dietitian, it can be worked into any complete breakfast.
Miss Nomar: (Pounds table with her fist) There you go again! It’s a well known fact that eating your cereal colors your…well..you know..one’s poo poo. It corresponds to the color of the box. I know, I’ve tried it for myself. I bought a yellow box and twenty-four hours later my uh, stool looked like a ripe banana.
Matt Smith: Yes, besides the common logo our boxes come in six different colors. You know, the rainbow. It helps our product stand out in the cereal isle.
Miss Nomar: (deadpan look on face) More denials huh? You know, it’s become something of a cult phenomenon. You have people out there who are buying and eating your cereal simply because it adds color to their stool!
Matt Smith: (Grinning broadly, rubbing hands together) That is not the official policy of Ka-Boom Cereal Company. We deny marketing Rainbow Crunch that way. These rumors on the Internet and in male dormitories are that…simply rumors. We can’t stop them being spread any more than we can control what type of milk people eat with it. (Under breath) Whole works better.
Miss Nomar: So, are you replying to Ka-Boom’s leaked inter office memos? I’m sure you’ve seen the news. These documents claim that your product engineers are working on formulas for neon colors?
Matt Smith (Stifling Laugh): I really don’t have any comment on that. In fact, I’m late for another engagement. (Stands) Oh, before I forget, you didn’t ask me about our new Island Tropics Bran Kernels. The vicious rumors that it colors your skin are totally and completely unfounded. I repeat, one bowl will not make you look like a bronze god in the middle of winter.
December 28th, 2008 at 11:34 am
I kinda freaked out when I ate from the red box of rainbow crunch.