Dodo Eggs

Dear Employees,

Over the past six weeks several employees have expressed concerns over the dental package that was included along with our company’s health plan. Obviously these people are anti-teeth. Well, their complaints have finally chipped my enamel and stuck a nerve!

To begin with, the anti-teeth group wanted greater choices in their dental provider. What a ridiculous complaint! We already have a guy who almost graduated with a degree in urology on staff. For your information, a degree to practice dentistry takes six years and urology takes eight! Well, our in house dentist was in school for nearly a decade!

You all know Eugene. He’s the guy who got too inebriated at the Flag Day party and, well, you remember. Well, it’s his second cousin Oliff. Oliff is big on rinsing the oral cavity with alcohol to kill harmful bacteria. Specifically he specializes in vodka. You don’t spit this mouthwash you swallow. No waste and alcohol prevents scurvy!

Then there are the bi-monthly visits from Dr. Brushgood. In case you’ve forgotten, that’s the guy in the foam toothbrush suit that sometimes wanders past your cubical and pelts you with FREE unpackaged toothbrushes and tubes of toothpaste! And if we can find it in the budget, he’ll soon be throwing steel dental instruments at you was well. That’s FREE preventative care!

We’ve also convinced our office supply manager switch to non-toxic white out. While you’re making corrections to a legal form, take a second to dab that little brush over any problem areas you might have. This product (once it solidifies, please keep your mouth open until it dries, try fanning it with your hand) will seal cracks and fill in chips. Try to find that in any other plan!

Preventative care is also available! DodoEggs.com will pay exactly 50% of the cost of needed braces as long as you A) provide documentation from the dentist B) several photos of you or family member smiling with their braces after eating spinach C) equip them with miniature lights for Christmas.

For those that wish to opt out of the DodoEggs.com plan, we now offer a plan that guarantees the best possible care! Statistics show that people in Nebraska have the best teeth overall in the entire United States. Join the Frequent Fillings plan and we will pay exactly 96% of all preventive care and 99% of corrective care for any dentist in Nebraska.

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