Dodo Eggs

From the Desk of Norm DePlume

Lead Developer – Crayola crayon “Underarm Stain” – Available only in the 1256 crayon box set.

Consultant – Lawn Gnome Action Project – Pose able lawn décor that allows you (and every juvenile delinquent on your street) to create interpretive scenes with these flexible mythical creatures.  A good way to get your lawn on the Internet!

Chemical/Olfactory Engineer – Feminine perfume – “Fast and Easy”

Dear Colleagues,

We continue our examination of the maladjusted males Binko ( band member, short, long hair, socially desperate) and Zits ( tall, acne problem, plays video games, socially unconcerned).  Their dorm room has been wired with surveillance devices to allow for complete data collection.

Our research has already unearthed countless clues to the ritualistic habits of the socially maladjusted yet no cure has been located.  In fact, it appears that outside of not having any female companionship, they are completely unaware of their status as social outcasts.

I put several of my graduate assistants in charge of creating a value based list of traits that hinder Binko and Zits’ complete interaction with everyone who isn’t related to them.  They began with Infrequent and Unsatisfactory Bathing (Repugnant Factor of 94) to brightly colored male briefs (Repugnant Factor of 48) to wearing the dreaded black shoes / white socks / blue jean shorts combination (Repugnant Factor 21).

(To compute each Repugnant Factor, square the absolute value of their GPA, divided by the shortest distance measured in centimeters from contacting a member of the opposite sex, and multiply by the derivative of bacteria samples taken from the dorm room floor.)

To begin the process of reconstituting these young people and changing behavior, we tried correcting the negative behaviors with the smallest Repugnant Factors. 

For Zits, it was his penchant for cupping both lips over the spout of any bottle from which he was drinking (Repugnant Factor 13).  Accepted procedure would be tucking the upper lip while drinking from a bottle.
  
Remarkably, Binko’s least repugnant trait was his failure to close his mouth while eating.  For much of our study, it has annoyed the video review team to, as they say, “Watch nearly a third of the digestive process before he even swallows!“  This habit has a Repugnant Factor of 27.  Please keep in mind; this is Binko’s least socially destructive habit!

We began my sending mock magazines such as, “Girl Fancy” and “Females Illustrated” with headlines that stressed females dislike for lip cupping and smacking.  Then we moved to flashing positive messages into there television programs.  Finally, several of my grad assistants (with feminine, loopy handwriting) wrote them as coming-to-America, exchange student, hula dancers from a fictitious South Pacific island we called, “Manly-Lo-Lo” in which they stated a desire for a mate with good manners.

Our final result proved inconclusive.  Binko and Zit’s dorm mates had the mistaken idea the magazines were ”woo-hoo” publications and stole them.  Binko couldn’t read cursive handwritting and my engineers found is dificult to slip in the subliminal messages with Zit’s changing the channel so often.

Next week we may attempt shock theropy.

Regards, Norm DePlume

• Male Studies – Letter 12, Page 1
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• Male Studies (Letter 4)
• Male Studies – Letter 8
• Male Studies (Letter 3)