Dodo Eggs

Miss Nomer:  Hello to my worldwide audience!  My name is Miss Nomer and I’m coming to you live from the beautiful penthouse offices of DodoEggs.com in busy downtown Manhattan!  I bring you the cutting edge interviews with all the Z list celebrities! 

Today, I’m sitting here with one of the Internet’s most notorious thugs, Mr. Jared Laroosi.

Jarad L:  (adjusts his booster seat and straightens) Thank you Miss Nomar and yes, I am exceedingly dangerous.

Miss Nomer:  Let’s see here, you are only five foot three and a whopping one hundred twelve pounds yet you nearly make a living as a professional bully.  Tell us how.

Jarad L:  Well, it all started when I was a young man.  (Laughs a bit and shakes head.)  I’m telling you, being such a small guy is no picnic.  (deepens voice)  I had to go the  “Little Big Man” route to get any attention.  You know, being extra loud and wearing loud clothes.  But I was better at being abusive than loud.

Because I was so physically lacking, I had to make up for it somehow with personality, style, or expensive toys.  Like I said, the “Little Big Man” thing.  As it turns out, I have the personality of a leach, the pizzazz of a Star Trek convention, and I stuff my wallet with coupons.  (Pauses a bit)  That I cut from my mom’s woman’s magazines.  (Pauses again)  I guess I didn’t need to mention that.

Miss Nomer:  Ok, you don’t have the blatantly obvious characteristics that make men respect you and women take notice of you.  But the Internet helped you…

Jarad L:  (Interrupting.)  I’m also pretty stupid.  I can fill out a personal classified add with words to spare.  (Does the quotation gesture with both hands)  Single White Male seeks Any Female. Enjoys being mean, long arguments in the park, and sending food back in cozy restaurants.

Miss Nomer:Soooo (Rolls eyes a bit), the Internet thing.  You’re a cyber bully despite the fact that you barely weight enough to depress a key.  Care to explain?

Jarad L:  Wait, I want to show you my tattoo.  (Pulls up sleeve to reveal a dark purple bruise across his bicep.)  What do you think of that?

Miss Nomer:  Wow!  What did you do to yourself?  That looks terrible!

Jarad L:  I already told you.  (Puts sleeve back down.)  It’s a tattoo but my arm is so thin the ink began bleeding through and showing up on the other side of my arm.  It was supposed to be barbed wire but now it’s just a swirling mist.  (Pauses then louder.)  Of Internet Death!

Miss Nomer:  Speaking of that…

Jarad L:  Fine!  I send scathing emails to corporations and businesses large and small.  I complain about their service and the attractiveness of their employees.  The Internet has been a real boon since I don’t have to come up with a good lie on the spot.  Remember, I’m not very smart.  When I complain I’m sketchy on the details and a lot of times they wind up sending me coupons and gift certificates.   

When I’m not doing that, I like to get in chat rooms and bark strong opinions at anyone elsoe online.  (Gets excited and starts pounding the table.  No ripples formed in his coffee.)  Yea!  It’s great to royally chew people out when they can’t get to you.  I’ve got like, seventy different abusive monologues that I can simply copy and paste into emails and posts!  You will hear from me and your eyes will burn!

Miss Nomer:  So what’s the value on these fraudulently earned certificates?

Jarad L:  Oh, not much.  My favorite one was the free pass to the zoo after I complained that the ticket staff didn’t make animal noises when I asked them to.

Miss Nomer:  What was so special about the zoo?

Jarad L:  Cussing at the animals but only the ones whose cages I know are locked.

• Interview with Tim Smit
• Rodney Bovine Interview
• Frank Zastaphol Interview
• Interview with WAYS
• Interview with Franklin Huff