Mr. Big
Jennifer swept into the Aquatics office with team of cute little cartoon bunnies and bluebirds behind her. Her voice had new love’s sweet sound, “Hellllloooo Mr. T!”
I raised my hand a bit and lifted two fingers. “Hello Miss Wotten. It sounds like you and Brian have yet to break up.”
“Oh Mr.T, you just don’t understand. We’re doing just great and he in love with me.” She fell sideways into the swivel chair and with a slight push off the desk she spun in nauseating circles. “I’m sure this is the man for me. He’s going to graduate from Panderbuilt, he’s on the football team, and we’ll be very happy.”
“Statistics are not on your side. Instead of wishing for the moon, you should try something that you can actually attain. Let’s see, how about a lukewarm spouse, a stained couch, and free checking.”
“Mr. T! Can’t you tell how in love I am? And he feels the same way!”
I switched gears to something more interesting. “So you told me he’s on the football team before but I’ve never asked what position he plays.”
She smiled, “He’s a guard on the offensive line. I’m not sure which side but I know the quarterback gets a real nice look at his butt and now so do I.”
“So he’s pretty big huh?”
“Oh, yea!” She brought her arms up and flexed. “Brian is six foot six and weights like three hundred and thirty five pounds. You should see what he can eat in a single sitting! We went out for breakfast last week and he ate like a dozen pancakes, three omelets, bacon, and like five glasses of milk.”
“Well,” I deadpanned. “That sounds like a boy with a healthy appetite.”
“You bet Mr. T.”
“Isn’t it ironic that a such a healthy appetite will wind up killing him. The human body isn’t built for that kind of size. He may not play football forever but I’ll bet he’ll enjoy eating that way forever.”
Jennifer’s eyes grew wide then narrowed. “Oh, I know he can’t always do that. Don’t worry, as soon as he’s out of football, he’ll slim down to around two hundred fifty or so.”
I took a deep breath and prepared to deliver the bad news. “Jennifer, how many eighty year old men do you know that tip the scale anywhere near that weight? What about seventy-five or even seventy?”
She paused before answering. “You know, I don’t know any man that old and that heavy. What are you saying Mr. T?!”
It was time for my next sift on the lifeguard chair. I stood and walked to the door. “Nothing other than I’m sure you and Brian will be very happy together for a very long time.”
“Thank you Mr. T. I appreciate you good wishes.”
October 17th, 2008 at 8:29 am
why the pessimist attitude, Mr T?? Not everyone is shallow and superficial. she obviously doesn’t care about his size. the girl is in love. I think it’s great!
October 17th, 2008 at 8:55 am
Ah, with Mr. T, it’s all about genetics! Relationships must be engineered to the highest of specifications since life is all about what happens to a person after they turn 75, because those are such good times. Nothing good happens before 75, you know!
October 17th, 2008 at 9:12 am
well, i’m focusing on my quality of life now. Then, if i make it to 75, i’m going to chill out and start saying yes to cheesecake and cream sauces. those last few years of my life, i’m eating whatever I want! I doubt my hubby will care if I have a belly at that age. And his belly will be the least of my worries then. haha
October 17th, 2008 at 10:02 am
Cheesecake and creamsauce??? That is what you do when you are pregnant!!!:)