Dodo Eggs

In the brazen interest of boosting my readership, I am subscribing to the traits that make the web’s most popular blogs such a huge waste of time.  If you want incendiary language, useless opinions, and the slight chance that what your reading could offend you, than this is your post!  It’s even in list form and seasoned with just the right amount of humor!

The Top 5 Thinks I Hate About You Fortified By A Dash Of Humor!

5. Men With Long Fingernails- Your father may have forgotten to tell you this or perhaps your mom didn’t think it was that important but… long fingernails are for girls!  Why are you growing them out? Are you planning on painting them? 

I’ve shied away from shaking guys hands if I discovered they had longer fingernails. 

4. People Who Prolong Meetings With Too Specific Questions- What’s the quickest way to lower your popularity where you work?  Urinating near the water cooler?  (Nope)    Continually hitting coworkers up for fundraisers? (Close)  Turning your microwave popcorn into a raging, flaming ball of sulfuric gas?  (Getting “warmer”).

You guessed it.  It’s the end of the day and all anyone can think about is getting out of the meeting room.  The last item on the agenda is a sticky subject that always brings out the inane questions.  You promise yourself not to throw a punch at the first person that asks something stupid and you know you’ll fail.  It looks like another Saturday at an employer mandated Anger Management Workshop for you.

Here it comes… “How will this policy affect me picking up my fifteen year old from band practice?”
3. Kids (or Sub-Adults) Who Walk Around With Their Pants Half Down Or Underwear Showing – There is no faster way to show off your complete ignorance and lack of taste than adopting this fashion statement first made popular by inmates. 

In fact, a team of Nobel nominees worked for three years trying to find a faster way to broadcast, “Hello Police!  Please look at me suspiciously.  If you’re looking, I’m selling.”  They failed miserably.

If you want to show off your fruity colored underwear that badly, why don’t you just slip them over the outside of your pants?  At least you’d be able to run when the police come for you. 

2. People Who Are Too Competitive For The Game- I know this may sound crazy but sometimes a game of basketball or touch football is not a test of manhood.  Sometimes it’s just for fun.  If somebody is getting too hot, that’s a good time for time out.  All the other participants should stare at the angry player and quip things like, “Hey pal, who’d you make the 100 dollar bet with?”  Or, “Relax man, your fans in Burma still think you’re a great player.”    

1. People Who Walk Around With That Stupid Looking BlueTooth - Hey, who’s the bigger geek?  The guy who watches Star Trek religiously or the guy with the communicator taped to his ear?  Can you hear Scotty through that thing?

Anyone should feel self-conscious wearing those goofy things since they immediately draw the eye of whomever you’re talking with. 

One last thing, if you are on the phone so much you need it taped permanently to your ear, you’re on the phone too much!

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