Male Studies Letter 12, Page 3
From the Desk of Norm DePlume,
Greetings from the Graduate Studies Office at Dakota University – Medora Branch.
We conclude our twelfth submission with a close estimation of Zit’s constructed date with a Miss Linda Flemsburg. Miss Flemsburg, a colleague of Sally Gruntsky, has also spent the last six mouths in deep seclusion with the lowland gorillas of central Africa.
Events of scientific significance are listed below in chronological order.
6:09 PM – Zits arrives at Yukon Hall which is a girl’s dormitory. (Note: This is not her real residence.) He is wearing a tan polo shirt with jeans and boots. Zits has also applied a generous amount of an expensive cologne titled Pure Ego.
Miss Flemsburg recognizes the scent and lectures Zits on the fate of the vinca tree. “Oils from that rare tree are prime components of skunk juice like Pure Ego! It’s a shame that the resources of Western Uganda are so pillaged by big business. And then suckers like you come along an buy them.”
Zits nods dutifully and thinks, “The package said it would make her hot for you. This can’t be what it meant.”
6:12 PM –Zits opens the door of his borrowed car and invites Miss Flemsburg to sit. He begins driving and appears stressed especially as the silence mounts.
With a chuckle, he finally quips, “Wow, I think I can feel my antiperspirant breaking down.”
She smiles at him briefly then takes out her cell phone. During the rest of the drive, Miss Flemsburg begins texting her friends. Not knowing what she is saying sends Zits’ sweat production up two fold.
6:22 PM – They arrive at the restaurant and are seated. Zits immediately asks for water.
6:46 PM – As the conversation continues to lag, Zits pulls a crumpled sheet of notebook paper from his pocket and begins reading the smudged script. He acts as if he is adjusting his napkin.
A second later he asks her, “So, uh, Lori, what are your feelings about school this semester?”
“Our relationship isn’t there yet, Zitman.” She pauses a second before adding. “What are you looking at? Is that a cheat sheet?”
Zits is forced to admit that he uses a game guide for his video game world and attempted to try the same concept for dating. Miss Flemsburg finds Zits’ efforts more pathetic than endearing.
7:49 PM –During the movie (Appropriately titled, “Eight bucks a Ticket, Sucka.”), Miss Flemsburg gets lost coming back from the bathroom. Zits is finally able to relax without her brooding presence and passes the gas he’d been constricting since 6:00.
(Note: Our observer caught Miss Flemsburg trying to leave the date early. He reminded her of the contract. After a bit of strenuous negotiations, she agreed to take only half the stipend and leave immediately.)
8:55 PM –Zits drives back to his dormitory looking forward to four straight hours of playing Dragon Breath on-line. Tells Binko that talking with Miss Flemsburg was like, “shoveling coal.” Binko immediately asks for her number.
October 13th, 2008 at 9:57 pm
the constricting gas got me!!