Male Studies – Letter 12, Page 1
From the desk of Norm dePlume,
Definitive Vote – Choke vs. Dripsi Taste Test (Greg’s Grocery Store, produce aisle, 1984)
Reluctant Participant – Square the Earth (A grassroots’ movement to curb wasteful overuse of toilet paper encouraging everyone to use only one square per wipe.)
Dear Colleagues,
Although not well researched, observational evidence suggests a distinct lack of important social traits in the college male between the ages of nineteen and twenty-four. This developmental period we have designated the “larval” stage in the male progression to a life as a fully functional adult. Evidenced behaviors include, poor judgment, lack of taste in hair / clothes, and pursuits that only depreciate in value (cars, video games, music, everything below a female’s neck).
My team is attempting to better understand this lapse in the spectrum of psychology. We have wired a dorm room to collect data on two ideal subjects. One specimen is affectionately named Binko the other (for lack of a better name) Zits. Binko is short, with long hair and enjoys music. Zits is tall, plays video games for hours, and maintains severe acne.
We have seen and recorded a wealth of behaviors except for courting of the free range, American female. After combing the universities’ entire student body, we found only one narrow subset of females that would agree to date either Binko or Zits. Lady graduate students that have spent the last six months studying lowland gorillas in their natural habitat seemed amendable to Binko and Zits but only after a substantial stipend was offered.
The first female (Sally Gruntsky) who agreed to date one of our specimens chose Binko over Zits. During the pre date interview, Sally admitted she chose the photo of Binko over Zits because, “I’m a big fan of fantasy books. Anyway, Binko looked a little like a dwarf and dwarves are always funny. Besides, he also looks over eager to please. I’ve got a bet with my BFF that after dinner I can get him to stop by the mall and buy me a gold bracelet.”
My grad assistant then recorded her demanding her stipend up front. This was in direct contradiction to the signed contract.
The second female (Linda Flemsburg) was assigned Zits. Her reaction seemed counter productive. “I sell an entire line of skin care products for guys that are specific to each area of the body. Bottom Butter is good for stunting hair growth on your hindquarters. Let’s see, Coconut Chest adds shape and volume to pectorals that are sagging a bit. Does Zits have any money?”
We detail each date and their findings in this journal’s next edition.
Regards, Norm DePlume
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