Dodo Eggs

Miss Nomar:  I’m Miss Nomar a seventh year journalism student at Dakota University – Medora Branch (Go D U M B Midgets!) and special correspondent to DodoEggs.com.  I bring you the interviews that the mainstream media is afraid to touch. 

Today I’m talking with Franklin Huff.  Mr. Huff, otherwise known as “The Camel,” is world famous for taking modified catheter collection bags and hiding them under his sweatshirt.  He then fills them with funneled soda from fast food soda fountains.  Welcome and good day to you Mr. Huff.

Huff:  No, (loud belch) thank you Miss Nomar it’s a pleasure to be here.

Miss Nomar:  Just to be clear, these are unused bags am I correct?

Huff:  (Gives Miss Nomar a confused look and then slowly nods.)

Miss Nomar: So how did you get started with this strange, sick hobby.

Huff:  Well Miss Nomar, I remember when fast food joints didn’t give you free refills.  The teenagers who worked behind the counter acted as gatekeepers protecting the soda fountain and denying the rest of us the carbonated beverages we all deserved.  I mean who did they think they were?  The food they served is chuck full of sodium and that makes you thirsty!  And don’t think they didn’t know that the salt in the meal accentuates the sweet taste of soda!

(Stands up and shakes fist)  But we won!  We (belch) won! 

Miss Nomar:  Please remain seated Mr. Huff.  (Waits for Huff to sit down.)  So you do this because you think the fast food restaurants are cheating you?

Huff:  Oh yea.  (Nods head vigorously)  Have you seen how much ice they put into your cup?  It takes up half the entire cup!  I can’t tell you how many angry letters I wrote before I finally began drinking my cup then throwing the ice at the teenagers behind the counter.  I would hide in a booth near the front register and pelt those evildoers with one cube of ice at a time.  You know, it was like laying seize to the world’s evil soft drinks captors.  It was how I got my first nickname, “The %^*#$ Idiot.”

Miss Nomar:  So am I right to presume that your fridge at home is crowded with slouched plastic sacks all filled with soda?

Huff:  Well not completely.  I still have a box of baking soda open in the back to keep things fresh.

Miss Nomar:  What do you do with all these catheter bags?  Surly you can’t drink them all!

Huff:  As long as my pancreas is pumping that insulin, I’m good.  But I don’t expect that to last too much longer. 

Actually, I’ve been giving my extra bags to the needy neighborhood kids.  Sure the soda is flat and the bags filled with the yellow soda looks a little fishy but the to see the looks in their eyes…  (Wipes a tear)… (Turns head down).

Miss Nomar:  (Questioning glare) How do you give them to the underprivileged? 

Huff:  Well, I usually park on street corners near private schools.

Miss Nomar:  (Shocked expression crosses her face) You stand on street corners near schools and hand out plastic bags filled with soft drinks!  Haven’t you been…

Huff: (Interrupting)  Arrested…yea.  It’s happened a couple of times.

I’ll tell you one of the challenges I had to face during all this is having to use the bathroom all the time.  I mean that soda goes right through me!  Of course, that’s less of an issue now that I use some of the catheter bags the way they were intended to be used.  Pretty cool, huh?

Miss Nomar:  Mr. Huff, (pauses) you have a hard time meeting women don’t you?

Huff:  (Belches then shrugs)

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