Dodo Eggs

Some posts are dead at the same moment I write them.  I do everything I can to revive them: inject a little humor, rewrite them a hundred times, and tell myself that no one will actually read it.  And yet, some ideas just never see the light of cyberspace.

Here are fragments of a few posts that, well, never made it into the omelet.  This is the second installment of what I call Dodo Eggshells.  (The first is buried somewhere in the Dodo Eggs category.)

Eggshell #1-  Here’s what happens when I get carried away with an introduction.  Please take note of the nauseating amount of imagery and try to figure out where in the world I was going with this.  (Answer below)

 Step inside the cavernous volume of my skull and you discover yourself standing on the high mountains of my ego.  Jealousy grows a lush green beside the bright blooms of love and the shade of established patience.  The air is filled with brightly feathered exotic ideas and the plain plumage of pragmatism.  A wide ocean of memories surrounds everything below.

Answer:  I was going to describe why I don’t really go for activities with large crowds.

Eggshell #2-  How would you describe the feeling you get after eating a gargantuan pile of greasy fries and a hamburger with more calories than bears need for hibernation?  And what’s that sick feeling that overcomes your insides when you top it off with a bladder busting soda and tub of soft serve ice cream?

A short phrase I’ve been using for years is, “Gut Rot.”  It’s the perfect way to describe the guilt and nausea that comes only seconds after your last bite.

Eggshell #3- The cheapest brand of pet food you can buy is a delightfully titled, “Lucky Kitty.”  This seems strange to me considering that the feline in question has owners taking the absolute lowest road possible in meeting their pet’s needs. 

Perhaps we should have a cheaper brand available such as “Stray” brand pet products.

Eggshell #4- That special, potent humor you feel when something hits your funny bone just right is difficult to translate.  You may want to communicate why your laughing uncontrollably to others but it often isn’t possible.  Most of the time, they just stare at you and smile. 

I hit my answering machine and heard my brother’s voice boom from the quarter-sized speaker. 

“Congratulations Matthew Teeplee!  You have been selected by our committee to receive a FREE TEN THOUSAND PUNCHES TO THE FACE!  To receive your FREE TEN THOUSAND PUNCHES TO THE FACE, you must arrive at my offices no later than five o’clock this afternoon.  You will be serviced by one of our highly paid professionals who specialize in giving people just like you TEN THOUSAND PUNCHES TO THE FACE!  This is a limited time offer so contact me quickly to receive your FREE TEN THOUSAND PUNCHES TO THE FACE!  You want it and you know you need it… TEN THOUSAND PUNCHES TO THE FACE! 

Not once did he identify himself or tell me why he was calling.  I don’t know why it was funny but I laugh about it to this day.

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