Dodo Eggs

I know we haven’t met yet but that doesn’t mean we can’t have a good father to daughter conversation.  We’ve got a long road ahead of us and having a strong dialogue with each other can only help. Of course, right now we can’t keep your mother from eavesdropping.

Kids learn better when things rhyme so I’ve composed a few verbal keepsakes for you.  

PLAYING PARENTS AGAINST EACH OTHER, CAUSES THE WRAITH OF BOTH FATHER AND MOTHER.  Please don’t expect me to side with you over your mother.  There is a ninety percent chance I will agree with her anyway and a ten percent chance I won’t care enough one way or another.  (Besides, bucking your mother carries risks.  I’m not a gambling man.) 

Kick your mother in the kidneys twice if you understand.

DAD HAS NO USE FOR A PRIMA DONNA, SO SAVE THE DRAMA FOR YOUR MAMA.  I live my life in as much of a drama vacuum as I possibly can and like your mother’s yellow squash casserole, I can only handle it in small doses.  If you approach me regarding the possibility your best friend is moving in on your boy, I will respond in one of three ways.  You get to choose.

A. You know what?  I think your brother Saul may have an interesting take on this thorny issue.  I think he’s upstairs playing video games with your out of work uncle.

B. Darling, let me tell you something.  When something becomes so infected it threatens the entire body, you have to amputate.  That’s what I would do here.  Amputate both the friend and the useless boy. 

C. I’ll give you ten dollars right now if you take this issue to your mother.

Sit on you mother’s bladder if you understand.

MY RULES OF SPEECH ARE VERY FIRM, YOU ARE TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT IF YOU SEE ME SQUIRM.  I want to know as much as I can about what’s going on in your heart and mind except for the things that I find uncomfortable.  The rules used to determine these subjects are a little ambiguous so I’m having a straight list prepared.  My highly paid team of research consultants is eyeing a release date of around late May 2034.   We’re having a hard time deciding whether to to go with three smaller volumes or the podium bending master tome.  Until then, if you broach a topic I don’t want to discuss just look for the pained expression on my face.

Head butt you mother’s liver if you got the message.

BOYS LIKE LOTTERY TICKETS ARE CHEAP AND ABUNDANT.  THEY SCRATCH AND ARE WORTHLESS, DISAPPOINTING, REDUNDANT.  Just so that you know…I will not look kindly on any of your boyfriends.  In fact, each one will start with a negative balance and I will be on a faultfinding mission the entire time.  I may seem polite on the outside and smile but that’s only a front. 

Each of your boyfriends has a very narrow chance of being the one who becomes a member of our family.  The rest have a small potential to do good and an almost unlimited ability to do harm.  I promise there will be no guns but your dreaming if you think I am really going to like any of them. 

Punch your mother’s pancreas if you understand.

Love, your father.

• Drama Mama
• Setting Your Drama
• Loving the Drama
• Loving the Drama – LAB
• More Dodo Love