Dodo Eggs

“C’mon Mr. T!  I promise you’ll like it.” 

It was a slow night at the pool.  Robert had brought his laptop despite rules prohibiting their presence.  Guards had been using them for probing the Internet and watching movies and now they were banned completely.  Nevertheless, there was Robert unzipping his sleek computer and resting it on a chair.  

I tried to put off his enthusiasm.  “Look Ben, I normally don’t care for action movies.  In fact, I’m not a fan of horror, romantic comedy, drama, asinine comedy, sci-fi, documentaries, bad animation, or paying sixteen dollars for two tickets.  I’m trying to tell you that I will not like this movie.”

“Ah, that’s where you’re wrong Mr. T.  This is a movie unlike anything you’ve seen before.  And even if you have seen something like it, they totally nail it!   

Despite the deadpan look on my face, Robert slipped in the colorful DVD.  In fantastic lettering it said, “The Fast and the Frivolous – Tokyo Spiff”

“Hey, what are you guys watching?”  Josh had come off the stand once the last patron left the pool.

Robert replied, “Mr. T and I are going to watch the second Fast and the Frivolous.”

“Really?  I love that movie.  It’s $#%@@ awesome.  Isn’t that the movie where they duel by buring their tires as they slide around streets?”

I groaned and tried to get comfortable on the edge of the desk.  The screen came up and like a pharmacist who forgot to reorder ED drugs, I knew I was in trouble. The plot I’ll mention later but here’s a quick peek at the characters…

The hero “went hard” the entire time.  That’s code for brooding, constipated angst being the appropriate expression for almost every scene.  Every now and then he would mix it up with skeptically, constipated amusement.  Look out Oscars!

The father was flawed but concerned.  He came through at the right time, which is too bad because the movie would have ended a lot sooner if he hadn’t come to the rescue.

A mentor finds the hero and teaches him to peeling out tires at the same rate as the antagonist.  By the way, girls really like it when you can peel out.  The cool guys have been on to this for years.  (That, and cartoon boys urinating on car emblems.)  Anyway, the mentor has plenty of time to show the hero the best way to peel out, which is a shame because the movie would have ended a lot sooner without him.

The villain’s main job was to look like he had the flu: lightly sweaty, look of absolute disgust, a mocking laugh when there’s nothing really that amusing.  (Attn Hollywood:  Stop making bad guys laugh!  Institute a moratorium now or I will destroy you.  Mmmuuuahahahahaaha!) 

The women were all Barbie dolls with non-speaking parts except for the hero’s love interest.  This woman was also the villain’s love interest!  They must have cast one thousand beautiful women as extras (they fill every scene) and yet the two main characters are fighting over the same one.  I guess I would too considering she was the only one who could talk.  (Wait a second…)

The movie was just over half over and we came to the big chase scene though downtown Tokyo.  One of the villain’s henchmen was chasing the hero, who was pursuing the villain, who was driving after the mentor.  There was a lot of tire peeling out.

I leaned over to Robert and Josh.  “Ok, I’m going to say the henchmen dies first and then the mentor dies heroically.  That sets up the final showdown between the hero and the villain.  Am I right?”

“Gee, I don’t know Mr.T.  You’ll just have to watch the movie to find out.”

I did and I was right on the money.  “Alright guys, I think I’m going go stick my head in the chlorinator.  The idea that people out there are making millions of dollars pandering something so remarkably unoriginal makes me want to end it all now.”

“See ya Mr. T!”      

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