Dodo Eggs

I sat in a darkened closet with my wife stretched out on an examination table.  She had to be more comfortable than I was.  My insides were knotted with anticipation.  Soon, the mystery over my second child’s gender would finally be solved.

“Why don’t you quit squirming?  I’m just as excited as you are and you don’t see me fidgeting so much.”

“You don’t understand.”  I began.  “Everyone for the last four months has been promising me that it would be a girl.  And I mean everyone!  If this child were a boy, it would amount to the biggest ‘I told you so’ in history.  We’re talking about mocking emails and strutting about with my chest stuck our far enough I could push a lawn mower with it.”

The narrow door finally opened.  The technician had arrived.  Before I could say anything she handed me a brochure with the details of the procedure.

It read, “Ultrasound is a completely safe way to monitor the growth of you child and check its development.  Here is a list of quick facts regarding the procedure:

1. Your unborn child will be bombarded by high frequency polka music.  Your child’s body will physically reject the sound and return it to the receptor.  This does not harm the baby but it may stimulate development of the parts of the brain responsible for forming opinions.

2.    The image on the monitor is purposely grainy and nearly indecipherable.  Studies have shown that new parents are disturbed by actual images of cross-sectioned babies.

3. The gender of your child is saved until the end of the examination to keep you entranced and looking desperately for any sign of a penis.  This usually provides the technician with a quiet working environment.

4.  This moment may be special to you but not to your technician.  She does this nearly a dozen times a day and considers your above average child just another widget strolling down the conveyor.  Please do not ask her to pose for pictures with you and your wife’s obtrusive belly.

5.  No, the monitor receives no cable channels or the Internet.  Please refrain from asking.  We know you’re missing your favorite show.  We are too.

I closed the brochure and stared into the grainy image as if it were some sort of crystal ball.  My thoughts ran amok.  “Did I see something there?  Was that what I think it was?  Did I just see the Virgin Mary?”

Finally, the tech froze the image.  “Ok, what you see here are the girl parts.  Congratulations, it looks like you’re having a girl.”

My head spun for a moment and my vision blurred.  When I could refocus, Mrs. Teply was looking at me from her reclined position.

“Are you ok?”

“Well, I’m confused.  Questions are piling up in my head.  What do I do with self-image concerns?  How do I react to the drama of he-said-she-said?   Will she be able to throw a football?  How will I get the blood out of the carpet when I rip the earring out of her boyfriend’s ear?”

Melissa smiled.  “Silly.  I’ve got cleaner that will take almost any stain out including blood.”

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