Dodo Eggs

It’s four thirty in the afternoon and I’m sitting near my twenty-year-old brother.  His hands have had a grip on his videogame controller for almost fourteen hours.  Empty bags of animal crackers and beef jerky surround him.  He is unshaven, unwashed, and unappealing.

“Joe, it is presumable that at some point in your life you will get married.  That means that your future wife is out there right now getting her digital photo touched up for RussainWivesNow.com.  What do you suppose she would say if she could see you right now?”

“How should I know?  I don’t speak Russian.”

I gritted my teeth.  “What I’m saying is that you may not know your future wife right now but you could be earning money toward your first home together.”

Joe performed a complicated maneuver with his controller.  His thumbs zipped over the buttons in a blur while the remaining 98% of his body didn’t move.  “You know Matt, the way I see it, I’m way ahead of a lot of guys.”

“Please explain.”

“Well, a lot of guys out there are spending a ton of money on bad habits like drinking and smoking and all that other stuff.  Look at me.  I don’t do any of that stuff.  I just sit here playing my little game and when I wake up in the morning I won’t have a hangover.”

I gave my head a quick scratch.  “But you’re not accomplishing anything!  Money attracts pretty women!  Skills attract intelligent woman and you are gathering neither.”

He smiled at the screen.  “And charisma attracts them both.”

“Joe, I’m going downstairs and getting my digital camera right now.  I’m taking a picture of you in your natural state.  All I’ll need to do is show this to whatever pretty thing you bring around and you’ll go from prince charming to the toad.”

Joseph finally pressed the pause button.  “I don’t think you understand.  I’m what some people call ‘latent heat.’  Once I strike my match against a girl’s heart, there’s enough of me to burn a goooooood long time.”

“Do you know what a double-entendre is?  Are you being serious or sarcastic?”

He shrugged.  “You know what?  I think the elastic of my boxers has grafted into the skin around my waist.  Matt, would you mind going downstairs and getting me another root beer?  Thanks.”

I stood up and headed for the door.  “Just let me know when it’s my turn to play!  You’ve been hogging the game all day!”     

• Inside the GHC
• Candy Land
• The Chicken Story
• Accounting for Love
• The Mushroom Fable (Part 1)