Dodo Eggs

From the Desk of Norm dePlume
Winner, Large Duffle Bag – Bingo Night (June 24th, 1990)
Founder, Narcissistic Gavel –
Helping Lawyers with Low Self-Esteem since 1976

Dear Colleges,

We have reached the mid point in our look at the juvenile collegiate male (the grant money is half gone) and we have successfully collected data on the most important indicators of personal development…how the juvenile collegiate male spends his time.  We have quoted a reliable source to back up each submission of data. 

Note: I would have done a pie chart but I cannot locate my colored pencils.

27% Time at minimum wage job. -   Number of orders screwed up: 372  “The jerk that keeps breaking the ice cream machine thinks it’s funny to make a fist with catsup packets between his knuckles.  He hits the wall, the packets explode, and he screams.  It’s really distracting.  And he’s the manager.”  Zits, August 30th

44% Sleeping – Sheets washed once.  Not considered laundry because, “We don’t wear sheets right?  It’s like throwing your couch in the washing machine.  I’m not going to do that!”  Binko, November 14th

2% Hygiene – Finds extra coat of deodorant and hat more efficient use of time.  “Don’t tell anyone this but I’ve waited so long between showers that I’ve found lint in places other than my belly button.  Cool, huh?” Binko, September 3rd
   
1% Interactions with Eligible Females – Moderate to Extremely Underdeveloped   “Yea, I bumped into that Binko guy leaving class once.  I said, “Excuse me,” and he gave me this overly eager smile.  My little brother has a fish tank and Binko kind of smelled like that.  That’s all you wanted to know right?”  Kally, September 20th

16% Hobbies – Zits played computerized simulations, Binko strummed on a battered acoustic guitar.  “The tall one with the acne problem doesn’t bother any of the other guys but we had to throw the long haired freak’s amplifier off the roof of the dorm.  I mean the guy cannot play!  And he had the volume way too loud.  We told him pterodactyls flew off with it then dropped it.  I think he thought we were talking about bats or something.”  Rick, August 29th

5% Studying – Books were most notably used to create a short barricade separating Zits’ side of the room from Binko’s   “Look, I wanted to be left to my game and he wouldn’t leave me alone.  I took the books I bought for class and set them on the carpet open ends down.  The hardback covers made kind of a tepee.  It worked for a while anyway.”  Zits, October 6th

5% Miscellaneous – Eating, washing dishes, running errands, and being “on the can”  “The dirty dishes in their room were becoming a real problem.  I could hear the roaches in the wall singing, “Whistle while you work.”  We ended up stealing all their dishes and anonymously leaving paper plates and stuff like that.  When they’re both gone, the RA goes in there with a high-powered leaf blower and cleans it out.  As hazard pay he takes all the spare change he finds.”  Tom, December 2nd

More information to come,
Norm dePlume

• Male Studies – Letter 12, Page 1
• Male Studies (Letter 3)
• Male Studies (Letter 2)
• Male Studies Letter 13
• Male Studies – Letter 7