Archive for August, 2008

Dear Santa…

by Matt Teply on Thursday, August 7th, 2008

Santa Claus is a magical being with the ability to make Christmas wishes come true.  And yet, every depiction of Santa I’ve seen has him passing out wooden trains and candy canes.  Shouldn’t his bag be filled with personal electronics instead?

Santa, if you’re listening, NO MORE UNDERWEAR!  Your elves make it too tight!  It’s almost as if they were making it for themselves. 

Ahem, here’s my real list.
 
A hat like the Pope’s…No one takes me seriously about this but it’s time to face the facts.  The Pope has the coolest hats around.  They are tall, ornate, and expensive.  It makes me wonder if the Vatican’s gift shop would carry one. 

I’ve made cheap knockoffs using a priority mail envelope (which opens just wide enough to fit on my head) and some tape but it doesn’t seem to earn the same level of respect.  Chance of Matt ever getting one- one in a billion

A neon Red Wings Shoe sign…Some people adorn their game rooms or dens with neon beer signs.  Well that may define some people, but I prefer to associate myself with the world’s finest boot maker, Red Wing Shoes.

Not long ago, I was selecting another fine pair of leather boots.  I asked the salesman about the neon Red Wings Sign in the window.  He said he paid $750 dollars for it.  I’m willing to bet I will someday acquire one for less.  Chance of Matt ever getting one- one in a hundred

A mounted buffalo head (from the shoulder, with winter coat)… I have no good explanation for it but I would be considered a “bisonaphile.”  It’s a rare condition most often seen in those with strong natural ties to Dakota Territory.  My symptoms include looking at any representation of a buffalo like a young man does a pretty girl. 

My highbrow attitude and astute tastes are sacrificed if I see a buffalo represented in brass, ceramic, or concrete.  I assign an inordinate amount of virtue to an animal that eats prairie grass and walks on four hooves.  Chance of Matt ever getting one- one in a thousand.   If Mrs. Teply has anything to say about it- one in never.

A portrait of Calvin and Hobbes drawn by Bill Watterson…Calvin and Hobbes easily qualifies as one of the best comics to ever grace the funny pages.  It was well drawn, thoughtful, funny, and always worth the read.  Mr. Bill Watterson drew every strip himself giving the original work an intrinsic value.  Chance of Matt ever getting one- one in ten thousand

Make that probability ZERO.  With a little research, I discovered that Mr. Watterson has elected to ignore his fans.  This is disappointing but that doesn’t mean the pope wouldn’t be interested in hearing from me.     

Staff Memo – Smoking Policy

by Matt Teply on Wednesday, August 6th, 2008

Strength and Happiness through Benefits!
Water fountains, first-aid kits, the jellybeans on Eugene’s desk, carpeted work zones, free smiles, and loads and loads of sarcasm!
This is DodoEggs.com!  Where the employee is not extinct!

Dear DodoEggs.com staff,

Its come to my attention that many of you smoke.  Look, I was one of the cool kids in school.  I know my share of things about the dark mistress.  Which end goes in the mouth and which should be lit is no mystery to me.  I even know where to buy them.

To that end, I am banning cigarettes in our Manhattan high rise. 

I know I’ve tried this policy before but this time I’ve been trained.  Telling me it’s a candy cigarette will not work anymore!  The glowing end is not a bit of dye! 

Last week I attempted accommodate our smokers by restructuring the company’s antiquated departmentalized structure and replacing it with the smoking and non-smoking divisions.  However, having our legal personnel scattered throughout the building with accounting, vice monitoring, marketing, human resources, and all the rest was not a sound business plan.  Now I really can’t find anyone in payroll!

In response, I am calling for a do over.  I had my fingers crossed when I typed up the last policy (thanks to Ursula for clearing up the typos) so I didn’t mean it.  I want everyone to return to his or her departments before you go to lunch.

Here’s my new plan… Cigarettes are not allowed.  Anyone caught smoking cigarettes will be taken out during their lunch break and not allowed to come back inside until they’ve smoked at least three more.  It will help cure your cravings and get it out of your system.  It’s harsh but you’ll never bounce up until you’ve hit the bottom.

As I was saying, compromise is the key to resolving any conflict. 

Cigars smell much better and look really cool.  I am hereby allowing cigar smoking anywhere my employees want.  If cigar smoke bothers you, we will have clean air stations located right outside every doorway.  Feel free to take in the boring air during your breaks.

Of course you could also fight smoke with more smoke!  Try burning incense!  That’s right.  Everyone can now burn incense at their desks but no fruity scented candles!  I will take the fire extinguisher to them!

In an unrelated development, our company’s fire insurance is burning a hole in our budget.  Because of this, your health insurance only covers broken bones on Fridays and will not cover anything for which you have a spare.  In other words, maladies involving your kidneys, lungs, and limbs are hereby not covered.

Love your boss, 
ChiefDodo 

Choosing A Mate

by Matt Teply on Tuesday, August 5th, 2008

I was speaking with noted expert Norm dePlume this morning and during our conversation an interesting quarry was brought up. How important is height for a woman in determining a man’s attractiveness?

Women of the World…You are presented two men. Both are equally good looking with rugged features complimented perfectly with soft eyes and lips. A square jaw and proud shoulders are attributes they both share. Both have strong salary potential and keen wits that keep you smiling.

However, important differences remain. The first bachelor (We’ll call him Poindexter.) comes from a family that is almost completely free of inherited disease. In fact, they like to laugh that the only thing that can kill them is a bullet or a bad joke. Most die of old age around ninety with all their mental facilities intact. Cancer, diabetes, Alzheimer’s disease, and heart disease are basically nonexistent.

Oh yea, he’s two inches shorter than you.

The second bachelor (Known as Rothschild to his friends) has a much different family background. Most in his family are called to judgment by sixty-five. Each person is found with and eliminated by some genetically inherited susceptibility. No one with his last name escapes diabetes although he hasn’t shown up with it yet. He understands his situation and does his best to maintain his good health.

He’s also two inches taller than you.

I surveyed several of the young ladies at the pool. The results were mostly split with a good many opting out with the lame answers like, “I love the boyfriend I have now.” Or, “I wouldn’t date either.”

The answer to me was obvious. I would marry Poindexter. While I was looking for ladies to possibly court, I avoided several once I found out that their fathers had severe male pattern baldness. You read that correctly, I was so concerned about my future children that I wouldn’t date a girl if her father didn’t have most of his hair.

My mother must have dropped me on my bald, newborn head.

Readers can offer your input in the comments section or try our latest option…the vote.

Staff Memo – Coorporate Gym

by Matt Teply on Tuesday, August 5th, 2008

Before I begin I’d like to take full responsibility for the latest crate of corporate letterhead.  You can quit emailing me!  I know I mixed up the second D in DodoEggs.com and now the top of each sheet boldly proclaims….DoboEggs.com – The Bohemian Blog.  No one said anything about the new motto but EVERYONE commented on the simple typo.  Look, I’ve blamed the whole thing on Eugene and demoted him back to private.  My secretary is currently taking white out to all 256,000 sheets of letterhead so until she’s done…avoid writing any memos.

Ok, where was I?  Oh yea, the new corporate gymnasium in the basement. 

Many of you on the first three floors have been experiencing foul odors throughout the day.  I’ve also heard concerns about loud moaning, cursing, and heavy metal music.  Rest assured…this is not another New Age management technique.  I also want to dispel the rumor that it’s some sort of unproductive employee torture chamber.  If that was the case, I’d need a whole lot more office space than just the basement! 

No, no…the torture chamber is the employee lounge on the twelfth floor.  I’ve got the TVs permanently set to music videos from the early eighties, granola bar stocked vending machines, and informative laminated posters listing employee benefits. 

I visited about seventeen garage sales this weekend.  I got a great deal on a bow-flex, 2 solo-flexes, a used smoothie machine (that I didn’t bother cleaning), six butt-busters (injuries incurred on the butt-buster are NOT covered by the health plan), a treadmill that works if you jiggle the power cord just right, and an ENTIRE set of sand filled plastic weights!  The weights come in four fantastic colors to motivate you.

Note:  Eugene update the benefits posters in the employee lounge.

If you are lifting properly, screaming and yelling is not allowed.  As is standard gym etiquette, you may yell out and drop the 80 pound dumbbells only if you are using too much weight or are lifting improperly. 

When discussing how much weight you can move, feel free to add the “Theoretical Good Day Bonus.”  This isn’t really lying.  It’s where you boast about how strong you are by telling people a weight you might be able to move.  As a rule of thumb, it’s twenty pounds on the bench and forty pounds for any leg exercise.  Also deduct fifty pounds off anyone who uses a machine.  This means that if Eugene tells you he can bench 250 pounds this is what it means…

250 – 20 (Bragging) – 50 (Bo-flex Machine) – 50 (Screaming/Improper Form) – 30 (Dork Penalty) = 100 MAX

While I’m thinking about it, here are a few other items you should know before using the gym.  I’ve stretched aluminum foil over all the walls (shiny side out) instead of mirrors.  You probably won’t even notice.  My brother, the CEO of ChickenPoop.com, gave me his old stereo from college.  The volume is broke and so is the tuner.  Fortunately it’s stuck on the heavy metal station and the volume is blasting.  And lastly, there are no showers.  Strenuous use of showers has not been proven to increase muscle mass so you don’t need them. 

Enjoy the Gym…
ChiefDodo (Your CEO)

Male Studies – Letter 9

by Matt Teply on Monday, August 4th, 2008

From the desk of Norm dePlume
Author, Writing Poetry With Terrets Syndrome
Lead Researcher, “Watermelon and Frequent Urination” –
 American Medical Club Newsletter (March 2003)

Dear Fellow Professionals,

Our efforts to mold our subject’s behavior have wholly failed.  Binko and Zits still exhibit undisciplined, antisocial, and unproductive tendencies.  Ergo, we were no closer to a cure for the human pupa stage between high school senior and college junior. We were almost ready to terminate the entire project. 

Now a recent breakthrough has been achieved just when we needed it most. 

One of the grad students summed up the plan this way, “What we need is someone specialized for each of our subjects.  We’ve been trying normal tactics that work on normal people but Binko, Zits, and their species are not normal!  We need someone who can communicate with them and motivate them!  Someone who’s first reaction isn’t dismissal.  What we need to do is call their mothers!”

We contacted those responsible for bringing Zits and Binko into our world.  However, these maternal craftsmen who painstakingly wrought babies, to boys, to painfully awkward sub-adults both told us, “No.”

They wanted nothing to do with their children.  Zits’s mother wasn’t even sure where he was going to college.  She told my grad assistant, “When I last saw him, he was in the video game isle debating the merits of moon powder and pushing little kids away from the demos.  I’ll never have grand-babies!”

The most interesting conversation came from Binko’s mom who was eager to talk about her son but not to meet with him.  “I did my best to set him up with nice girls and job. 

I mean his father runs a lumber company and offered to give him a job.  Anyway, once our son was told there was no such thing as splinter proof gloves and that hardware stores don’t stock tweezers, he huffed away. 

And he might find a girl if he would just cut that rat’s nest of his!  I mean, have you seen it?  He grew hair instead of height!  What a moron!”

Shocked as we were, we did not let it get into the way of our research.  We took photos of thier mothers off the Internet and enlarged them to poster size.  We covered depictions of much more attractive women.

We are expecting them to return to their dorm any time.

Until our grant money runs out,

Dr. Norm dePlume

 

 

 

 

A Measure of Frustration (4)

by Matt Teply on Saturday, August 2nd, 2008

To Roger, the steady sound of gravel rearranging itself under his boots was a comforting sound.  Besides a tractor somewhere to the North, it was the only thing to be heard. 

He was headed home from another game of cards with Gran Boykin and home was the last place he wanted to go. 

A stiff breeze brought a chill to Roger’s brow.  He looked up and saw boy about six years his junior riding his bike.  As soon as the young man was within earshot he shouted, “Hey, Oatmeal!”  His calls grew in volume as he approached.

Roger scowled, kicked one of the larger rocks and yelled back, “My name’s Granola!  How does that sound?!”
 
The boy brought his bike to a stop only three feet in front of Roger.  The small cloud of dust that had followed the boy drifted on past Kilwein’s legs. “I ain’t calling you granola.  Whatever that is.”

The younger boy wore a dirty white long sleeved shirt and overalls.  The overall’s pockets seemed filled to busting.  Roger liked to imagine they were filled with rubber bands and small pebbles.  He knew better.  It was probably boxes of small caliber ammunition. Once his siblings advanced to pellet weapons, they would use nothing else, even on each other.

“I came to tell you to bring back a couple cans of wee-wees from Gran’s place.  All we got is smoked sausage and that isn’t good with beans.”

He turned his is bike around and placed his left foot on the forward pedal.  “Oh yea, you weren’t around when we called the shower so you’re last tonight.”  With that, the boy rode off in another quick cloud of dust. 

Roger turned and began marching back to Gran’s.  There was no doubt about it.  His adaptive family was a jalopy with more problems than could reasonably be fixed. 

“Let’s see, there’s assigning value to poly-resin figurines, homemade cigarettes, dumping everyone’s savings into fireworks, a TV that is on whether people are watching it or not…”   

The sky’s shade had slid from dim yellow to a deep orange.  It changed the lime green stripes on his grandmother’s trailer to a turquoise color.  In the shadows under the porch, Kiser perceived movement from some of the nocturnal animals.  The steady glow of a television could be seen from the right window.

Roger knocked and went inside but the old woman never entered the kitchen.  “My show’s on!  What you want?”
 
“I’ve been sent back for a couple cans of those little sausages.  Ok?”

The voice from the other room took on an even higher pitch than usual.  “Ah, now you want my wee-wees!  None before, but now you’ve got to have’m.”

There was no impetus for further conversation.  Roger grabbed the cans and left.  On his way out, a large dog chased him back to the road.  It was one of Gran’s part-time “pets.”  The fanged monster didn’t quit chasing him until he was half way back to his home. 

Roger knew this wasn’t how it was supposed to be for him. An unrefined farm family had adopted him not long before he started third grade.  His life beforehand was a mixed up mash of foster care assignments.  His Lexa family changed his legal name to Roger Boykin.  All his report cards and record papers had him listed as a Boykin but it was a name he never accepted. 

Kiser grew to near adulthood knowing that the humans claiming to be his “kin” were birds of an unlike feather.  With a slight mock to his tone, he even referred to his adoptive parents as “the Father” and “the Mother.”  

The Father set the household’s misguided priorities.   To him, memorabilia of his favorite race car driver took precedence over groceries. 

“Look kids, lottery tickets aren’t worth the money anymore.  But in a few years these things will be worth thousands.” 

Before a check was written for the propane bill, the Father would purchase the latest patriotic T-shirt.  His most recent shirt eloquently shouted, “Welcome to America!  We’ll shoot you if we have to.” 

One tragic afternoon, Roger returned from school to find the police in the middle of a raid.  Their target was his brother Bubba’s tree house.  After a brief standoff, with Bubba firing several rounds from his pellet gun, the officers overran the tree bound structure, and captured two fully functional stills. 

The bright headlights from a distant car brought Roger’s frustrated thinking back in line with reality.  His unexpected errand had taken so long that evening had fully fallen.  His pace had quickened now that night’s chill had ended his pondering.  The yard light from his family’s homestead was just ahead.

Once inside he managed to salvage some supper.  The Mother had found a deal on apple juice and snack crackers at the grocery store.  Roger poured himself an unusually large glass and found a half-eaten sleeve of crackers.  He then found a corner to practice one of his only two real forms of entertainment, origami. 

Months ago, he found an old magazine on the Japanese art of folding paper.  It was lying in the cellar mixed in with all the tabloid rags his parents read.  It seemed like an enjoyable distraction and he took up the hobby with gusto.  Paper was easy to find and if his siblings destroyed his work, he found joy in making another.

********************

The heavy plates hit the table’s surface with low clunk.  Lena had finished the usual and started returning to the kitchen for their drinks. 

A feeble thanks was all Tim managed to say before he inspected the food.  Short strips of meat with a brown gravy and whole wheat noodles.  He poked the meat with his fork.  It did smell delicious.

“Son, are you going to start asking your meal questions, are you?”  Skechenko already had sauce on the right side of his mouth. 

“Uh, is this what I think it might be?”  Tim constructed the question as delicately as he could. 

“Try some of it and you tell me.”

“I’ll get to it in just a minute.”  Tim edged the plate a little to one side.  “Can we finish on how your longtime friend arrived in Dakota?  That’s what I’ve been waiting to hear about but for some reason we haven’t got there.”

Skechenko skewered the piece of meat closest to him.  He then pointed it at the other man.  “It gets back to that metaphysical thing!  Now listen this time.  Roger Kiser would have contently spent his life working the graveyard shift at Lexa’s one convenience store had he not become a pawn in Fate’s cruel proposition.  The places he lived and the company he kept weren’t the root cause of his strange lot, but symptom thereof!” 

Gravy was dripping from Skechenko’s fork onto the table and he didn’t seem to care.

Reality Television

by Matt Teply on Friday, August 1st, 2008

There is a story about a man named Isaac Newton and a falling apple.  An incidental occurrence altered his and eventually our understanding of how the universe functions.  For him and us, the most important lessons can be complete accidents.

For instance, I remember the first time I realized that what comes across the television screen has nothing to do with real life.  It involved the first rule of Hollywood, “Don’t put an ugly woman on TV.  Color television was made for attractive women only.”  (By extension, we have rule number 1b.  Any ugly male characters have an inexplicable ability to find attractive women who fall in love with them.”)

So where am I going with this…

Thanks to television I grew up believing that prostitutes were beautiful women in short, tight skirts standing along street corners waiting for men.  Call girls in courtroom dramas always looked pretty good.  Oh yea, and they were usually nice people too.

Then I saw a genuine prostitute on a news broadcast and I was shaken.  She was rail thin and haggard looking.  A face-lift would have gone a long way to making her look normal.  The woman’s image frightens me to this VERY DAY.  (Please, purge my seared brain tissue!  Pluck out my mind’s eye!)

This was my learning moment.  Our culture’s entertainment subscribes to precious little believability.  Anything with too much realism in it is tagged with a scarlet D for documentary.

Thusly, a healthy skepticism of movies, music, and television is a lesson every soft-brained 7th grader should learn.  Too bad their hung up taking social norms from gangsta rap.  Rap and its videos lack a certain, um, basis in reality. 

Beat from a synthesizer…

“My name is Freshy T and I’m here to say,
self-destruction is the way to play. 
Holding your gun sideways is really cool.
The cops say, ‘Good, you can’t shoot straight fool.’ 
Calling your girl hoe is very romantic. 
Using no articles is very gramantic.
I out.”