Male Studies – Letter 10
From the Desk of Norm dePlume
Lead Researcher and Author, “Colleges with the Hottest Girl’s Softball Teams” Published in Men’s Mind Magazine (October 2006 Issue)
Winner, Leopard’s Club Bingo Night (September 16th, 1984)
Dear Colleagues,
This is the second installment regarding testing the maternal effects on our test males Binko and Zits. Both males are between 18 and 22. This is an age we have designated as the “pupa” stage of the modern male development as they are stupendously maladjusted socially. To gather the necessary data, we have wired their college dorm with the best equipment we could afford from PeepingTomsWindow.com.
Our goal was simple: to speed the process where these males can couple thinking as well as acting. Until now, standard stimulus models (a siren goes off when their BO reaches 500,000 parts per million) and reward models (a six pack of cream soda is lowered into the room for a successful shower) have failed completely.
My team now hopes their mother’s token presence will generate adult, responsible behavior patterns. The full sized posters of alluring, desirable woman were all replaced with equally large pictures of their mothers.
Most depictions feature their mothers performing duties that would make Binko and Zits most comfortable. Mother Binko was featured on the telephone with a doctor’s business card calling in another plastic surgery and begging her son to date women with self-esteem problems. Mother Zits was coming home from the grocery store with bags full of ramen noodles and orange drink. Anther representation featured her in the ever attractive, over sized sweat pant and T-shirt promoting a monster truck show from 1998.
Specimen Zits arrived at the dorm room first. Like the inevitable tide, he reached over and activated his computer before scanning his environment. When he did notice the images of his mother plastered over his posters of Miss Western North Dakota, he became viably upset.
Zits reached up to take down his mother’s pictures and discovered my team of grad students had used the strongest of adhesives (It’s called Teflock and it was developed to keep plastic hula dancers securely anchored to dashboards). After five minutes of work, Zits stepped back and came to a different resolution.
He took a wide tipped black marker and drew artistic contributions to the pictures of Binko’s mom. This crude vandalism included long, straight underarm hair. Zits also drew curly chest hair along with, missing teeth, black eyes, moles in odd places, and a vulgar tattoo.
One of my team members in mission control leaned over and ominously said, “This isn’t going as planned. He was supposed to make his bed.”
Then Zits glanced at his watch and realized he was late for work. He grabbed his bag making a straight path for the door.
Specimen Binko then entered the room. At first, he laughed at the vandalized depictions of his mother. That is, until he realized it was his mom.
Binko studied the clean images of Zits’ mother before finally coming up with what he saw as a reasonable response. He took a pair of scissors and brought them up to a lock of his hair. His hand trembled as the blades began to close on the greasy locks.
At the last moment, he pulled the scissors way. He then removed his shirt and began trimming his back hair. Binko also took large samples of the hair growing from his chest.
A half hour later, Binko stepped away from his work. Wads of nearly dried glue still stuck to his hands. He had carefully glued hair to the images of Zit’s mother blessing her with a multi-textured beard. He also sculpted Zit’s real name using chest hair over the mother’s shoulders.
Zits returned and both males exchanged looks of outrage.
Having lost complete control of the experiment I issued the order to tranquilize our subjects. Drug laden darts flew from two secret observation holes hidden behind bottles of diswashing detergent. When both Binko and Zits were rendered unconscious, my team used hand held propane torches to remove the posters.
When Binko and Zits returned to consciousness two days later, they had lost memory of the event. Additionally, they had both soiled themselves creating an additionally awkward situation.
As all good scientists say… Oops.”
Norm dePlume
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:32 pm
ahh… what better way to mock ones mother than to draw handlebar mustashes and nasty pit hair….