Wishing Well Instructions
FROM:
The Offices of YOU WISH
0000 Wish Bone Way
Coast Line, Colorado 83$%2
TO:
Wishing Well Operators
All Fountains and Decorative Pools
Malls, Hotel Lobbies, and Parks Nationwide
SUBJECT:
Instructions for use of wishing wells
The pixies, fairies, elves, gnomes, and sprites here at You Wish’s corporate headquarters greets you.
Recent polling data had shown widespread customer dissatisfaction with the quality of wish granting from our many aquatic facilities. Although we do very well encouraging return business, our survey has found a general distrust in our product. This is unacceptable and at You Wish we plan to remedy the problem.
For many years, our focus has been on convenient locations. Our revolutionary conversion kits have magically turned almost every fountain in the United States into a wishing “well.” Our only real set back were the home wishing well kits where the patron fills a cup with water and tosses in coins. Unfortunately, the idea didn’t find market share.
Even though You Wish’s Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, and Tooth Fairy affiliates have done well, addressing the problem of customer dissatisfaction is pinnacle to our continued solvency. Please post the following guidelines at all locations were wishes are sold.
Coin Guide- If you throw a…
Penny- One of our pixies-in-training will address your wish when she finishes re-glittering her hair. Being good looking or lucky may help. Both are preexisting conditions.
Nickel- Your wish will be directed to the next available gnome. Due to unusually high intoxication rates for gnomes your wish may be somewhat delayed. (They do drink less than the leprechauns who we downsized.)
Dime- Credit card companies will offer you better terms and more available credit! They will even come to you! Go home and check your mail!
Quarter- Your wish will be negatively polarized by one of our wish engineers. For example…
- The snotty couple across the street will have an ugly child.
- The maniac who rode your bumper before passing you will get a ticket.
- The jerk at work will have a zit all day and won’t know.
Half Dollar- Dormant hair follicles will spring to life! Old or lost loves will ignite again! Whatever your heart’s dream is it’s yours! You carry half dollars, don’t you?
Dollar- You know you can still buy something with this right? What in the name of Santa’s jock are you doing throwing it in a fountain? You know the janitorial staff goes through this at night, right?
Foreign Coins- Don’t attempt this. Canadian coins will only earn a boring daydream and pesos couldn’t even give a tequila worm a hangover.
August 13th, 2008 at 7:40 am
I have several paper bills from Zimbabwe autographed by Robert Mugabe’s fourteenth concubine. If I toss them in the wishing well water, perhaps the gnomes can use them to light the fire on their distillery and brew some bathtub gin.
August 13th, 2008 at 7:41 am
Have you checked exchange rates lately? You’re probably better off keeping the Canadian coins and tossing the American ones in the wishing well.
August 13th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
You are, without a doubt, CRAZY! Love ya! You are the most fun guy I have ever worked with.
Keep Blogging!
Hugs!