Dodo Eggs

Santa Claus is a magical being with the ability to make Christmas wishes come true.  And yet, every depiction of Santa I’ve seen has him passing out wooden trains and candy canes.  Shouldn’t his bag be filled with personal electronics instead?

Santa, if you’re listening, NO MORE UNDERWEAR!  Your elves make it too tight!  It’s almost as if they were making it for themselves. 

Ahem, here’s my real list.
 
A hat like the Pope’s…No one takes me seriously about this but it’s time to face the facts.  The Pope has the coolest hats around.  They are tall, ornate, and expensive.  It makes me wonder if the Vatican’s gift shop would carry one. 

I’ve made cheap knockoffs using a priority mail envelope (which opens just wide enough to fit on my head) and some tape but it doesn’t seem to earn the same level of respect.  Chance of Matt ever getting one- one in a billion

A neon Red Wings Shoe sign…Some people adorn their game rooms or dens with neon beer signs.  Well that may define some people, but I prefer to associate myself with the world’s finest boot maker, Red Wing Shoes.

Not long ago, I was selecting another fine pair of leather boots.  I asked the salesman about the neon Red Wings Sign in the window.  He said he paid $750 dollars for it.  I’m willing to bet I will someday acquire one for less.  Chance of Matt ever getting one- one in a hundred

A mounted buffalo head (from the shoulder, with winter coat)… I have no good explanation for it but I would be considered a “bisonaphile.”  It’s a rare condition most often seen in those with strong natural ties to Dakota Territory.  My symptoms include looking at any representation of a buffalo like a young man does a pretty girl. 

My highbrow attitude and astute tastes are sacrificed if I see a buffalo represented in brass, ceramic, or concrete.  I assign an inordinate amount of virtue to an animal that eats prairie grass and walks on four hooves.  Chance of Matt ever getting one- one in a thousand.   If Mrs. Teply has anything to say about it- one in never.

A portrait of Calvin and Hobbes drawn by Bill Watterson…Calvin and Hobbes easily qualifies as one of the best comics to ever grace the funny pages.  It was well drawn, thoughtful, funny, and always worth the read.  Mr. Bill Watterson drew every strip himself giving the original work an intrinsic value.  Chance of Matt ever getting one- one in ten thousand

Make that probability ZERO.  With a little research, I discovered that Mr. Watterson has elected to ignore his fans.  This is disappointing but that doesn’t mean the pope wouldn’t be interested in hearing from me.     

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